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Lifestyle |
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TAKING MY BALL AND GOING HOME
I've been besieged by one or two
readers to deliver a commentary on last week's Presidential election.
While I'm always hesitant to write about politics, I do make
exceptions. So here goes.
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A SYSTEM THAT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT
Relax, Trumpers. This is not a
hit piece on the guy who might be our next President. That's old news.
This is a hit piece on the system that may or may not make that
happen....
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RESPONDING WITH THE BEST OF THEM
There are so many ways I can
improve the world, and today I will share one of my essential
concepts. This one revolves around the art of communication, which I
have humbly mastered...
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WHEN THE MONEY STARTS ROLLING IN
So far, and I'm trying hard,
there are only two positives I've determined about turning 70, which I
accomplished a few months ago...
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SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LIKE YOURSELF
By my calculations, I am now in the
37th year of my lightning campaign to lose ten pounds. It was once
five pounds, but like most wars, there has been an escalation...
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PLEASE LET THE NIGHTMARE BE OVER
I don't often write serious columns,
but sometimes I can't control the urge. This is one of those times...
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LOVE MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND
I should have been a marriage counselor.
I'm amazingly well versed in finding ways to enrich the marital
experience...
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SUMMERS AREN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE
Funderblast Camp, Coastal Camp, Strawberry
Camp, M&M Camp, Lagunitas Tennis Camp, Skylandia Camp, Performing
Arts Camp...
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THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE HAS WORK TO DO
It was my brother-in-law calling last
week. He had just exited a Waymo, the driverless taxis that are now
available to anyone in San Francisco....
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TOM BRADY SHOULD HAVE TALKED TO ME
It's hard enough to say it, and even
harder to see it in writing. But yes, I turned 70 last week.
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HOLDING ON AS LONG AS I CAN
I'm close, oh so close, to entering
the modern era. I came within moments of deciding to cancel my print
subscription to the San Francisco Chronicle....
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NOT AN EASY DECISION TO MAKE
When you're headed into the
operating room for a complex procedure, it's probably not a good idea
to have your surgeon mad at you. But that's the quandary I faced a few
weeks ago when I had both of my knees replaced...
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DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE, DOUBLE YOUR PAIN
I haven't written a medical column in a
while, so in the interests of all aging, crippled readers I went out
and got a double knee replacement last Wednesday. And lived to write
about it....
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CHANGING THE GAME FOR THE BETTER
This is a column about golf, but it's also
a column about life and reducing your anxiety. For all you non-golfers
out there, bear with me. It may not be as bad as you think...
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TRULY ENJOYING THE LAST DANCE
Spring has sprung, and with it comes
the occasional wedding. A good friend's son is getting married next
week, so it seemed like the opportune time to let my wife know that I
will no longer dance with her...
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WHEN THE WORLD PASSES YOU BY
It's not easy being a dinosaur. It can
be a little lonely, especially when you're on the verge of
extinction...
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ANOTHER FUN DAY IN THE SUN
The older I get, the less I
like crowds. But then again, I also try to follow that inspirational
slogan about our aging bodies and minds: "Don't let the old man
in."...
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WE CAN ONLY DO WHAT WE CAN
To avoid being morbid, I really try
not to read obituaries. I generally just glance at the date the
deceased was born, hoping it's earlier than mine, and move on. And, of
course, I'll check the name to see if it's someone I knew...
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SOMETIMES IT TURNS OUT JUST FINE
Regular readers of this column might
remember that I very reluctantly agreed to let my daughter, son-in-law
and their two children move in with my wife and me while they did a
major remodel of their home....
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MY TEAM DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE
I've got issues. The good news is I'm
not unlike millions of other Americans, male and female. I'm a
certified sports fanatic....
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OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF WILLPOWER
After celebrating on New Year's Eve,
and showing our newfound youth by staying up until 10:45 instead of
our usual 10:00 bedtime, my wife and I woke up on New Year's day and
made our customary resolutions...
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ALL HAIL THE GREAT ORGANIZERS
With the holidays in full swing, it's
time to give thanks to those that make it happen. They're the unsung
heroes who get us off the couch, out of the house, and into the world
around us...
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SHADOWS OF OUR FORMER SELVES
Whether you're a sports fan or
not, you're most likely familiar with Stephen Curry, the Golden State
Warriors baby-faced superstar...
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SOMETIMES YOU CAN COME HOME AGAIN
My wife and I have been empty nesters
for about 14 years now. I vividly remember when the last child left
home for college. It was so traumatic...
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EXPERTS DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS
I may get a lot of grief over this
bold statement, especially from women, but I've decided I'm just going
to say it anyway...
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THERE'S A REASON IT'S CALLED "FOREIGN"
Not one to miss a current rage, I
announced to my wife a few months ago that we were moving to Portugal.
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YOUTH CAN SOMETIMES BE A DISADVANTAGE
In the interest of having my
readers all become financial wizards, I am going to offer some
investment advice. Never, ever put your money in a company founded and
run by someone under the age of 30...
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THE FRIENDLY SKIES DON'T COME CHEAP
I travel on airplanes a fair amount
for both business and pleasure, probably 15-20 flights per year. And
I'm beginning to understand that old saying, "If you don't fly
first class, your children will."...
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BIG BROTHER WILL BE WATCHING YOU
I'm in a quandary. I have
found a way to end all crime in America, and I'm not particularly
pleased about it....
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LIKE THEY SAY, KEEP IT SIMPLE
My wife came home the other day
complaining about a stomach ache. She didn't appreciate my reaction.
Instead of sympathy, I was just nodding my head in appreciation....
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FIGHTING THE FIGHT WITH WORDS AND FINGERS
Scene: A
hotel ballroom. The annual meeting of The American Bicycle Coalition
is taking place. A few thousand enthusiasts, all wearing outrageously
colorful spandex, are seated in the audience. The head table consists
of the President, Vice-President, Secretary and two honorees...
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SEARCHING FOR THE PERFECT MATE
As my little eyes opened a few
mornings ago after a typical restless night's sleep, I watched my wife
spring out of bed. No stretching, no yawning---just powering into the
day...
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INTERESTING WAY TO RUN A BUSINESS
I'm so out of touch. I've been
running a business for 45 years and it's actually been profitable.
What an idiot...
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TO SAY HELLO, OR NOT TO SAY HELLO
I've been doing a lot of walking lately,
mainly because it's good therapy for the successful back surgery I had
three months ago. While that's a good thing, there's always a flip
side---unfortunately, the walking is giving me social anxiety...
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SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL POLICE
It's not often, but every once in a while
I feel the need to get serious. This is one of those times. So I
apologize in advance to readers looking for something light-hearted.
You'll be sorely disappointed...
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BEAUTY IS NEVER EASY TO FIND
Challenges can be good for the soul.
And my soul has taken a bit of a beating since my early 20's, when I
first met my wife...
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SLEEPING WITH A NEW FRIEND
I'm sure it's coincidental and has
nothing to do with age, but I've been writing quite a bit about
medical problems lately. I promise to move on to other subjects in the
future, assuming I'm still alive...
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INCOMPETENCE CAN COME IN HANDY
My oldest son and his wife, in
their early 30's and pregnant with their first child, didn't think
having a baby was enough of a disruption to their lives. So they went
ahead and closed escrow last week on a house that is an absolute money
pit....
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THE WORST NURSE IN THE WORLD
As many readers know, I had back surgery a
few weeks ago to correct a long-standing pain in my right leg. The
surgery seems to have been successful, but to no one's surprise, the
recovery has been difficult...
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THERE'S NO QUIT IN CHRONIC PAIN
A good friend of mine's
87-year-old widowed father, who lives alone, called her very early on
a Saturday morning recently...
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TO REMODEL, OR NOT TO REMODEL
I have lived in the same house for 35
years. The reason I haven't moved is because I love my house.
Everything about it suits me just fine. We did an extensive remodel in
1997, only 26 years ago. Everything turned out fine, and I couldn't be
more comfortable or happy....
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THE MOST IRRITATING MAN IN THE WORLD
Everyone should have an alter
ego. Clark Kent had Superman, Bruce Wayne had Batman, and I've got Dr.
Dice...
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ANOTHER GREAT MYSTERY OF LIFE
I'm fortunate to live near San Francisco
Bay, where I overlook a bird sanctuary. At certain times of the year,
like the last few weeks, it's an aviary wonderland....
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A LIST WE CAN ALL DISAGREE WITH
For those of us who are in a more
advanced stage of life, meaning old farts, it's common to complain
about the technological advances of the past 30 years or so...
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MAYBE A LITTLE FEAR ISN'T SO BAD
"I've got a New Year's
resolution," I eagerly said to my wife on New Year's
Day."...
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THE DINNER THAT CHANGED THE WORLD
Movements can begin in very
inopportune places. For example, my JUST SAY NO campaign began a few
weeks ago in the sleepy little desert town of Borrego Springs,
California...
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NOTHING WRONG WITH QUESTIONING TRADITIONS
It's that time of year again.
Whether you're Christian, Hindu, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist or Atheist,
you can't escape Christmas. Everywhere you go, it's in your face....
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JOINING FORCES WITH THE ENEMY
There's nothing wrong with a
good rivalry. It gets the competitive juices flowing and brings some
zip to our lives. That's why I'm a little worried my Cal/Stanford
rivalry is in jeopardy...
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LUCK CAN WORK BOTH WAYS
"We're going to be rich!" my
wife said when I came home one night last week....
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IT'S TIME TO SHORTEN THE TIME
Since Vladimir Putin seems to be
considering blowing up the world, I thought it would be nice to get to
know him a little better.
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SHE GOES HERE, I GO THERE
My wife is in southern Spain right
now, visiting cathedrals in Seville, a mosque in Cordoba and the
Alhambra Palaces in Grenada. I've never been so delighted to not be
with her...
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IT CAN BE FASHIONABLE TO BE UNFASHIONABLE
Look hard enough, and you can always
find a bright side to every pandemic. For me, it was not having to
dress up....
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PATIENCE IS AN UNFORTUNATE VIRTUE
My car was acting up. The dreaded
"Check Engine" light went on and the dashboard said that
something catastrophic was sure to happen in the next day or so. Since
I was still under the 36,000 mile warranty, I called the Ford dealer
service department....
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FIND A MANTRA AND LOSE SOME WEIGHT
I'm now in the 37th year of my
lightning campaign to lose five pounds and I'm pleased to announce,
after 37 years of failure, that I've made some adjustments....
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SUFFERING ALWAYS LIKES SOME COMPANY
My wife and I have had many battles
over the years, but there's always room for one more. We have found it
in fighting over who is suffering more from poor sleep habits....
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MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR
I'm very, very concerned. According to
the latest polls, 50% of Americans believe that there will be a civil
war in our country "within the next several years."
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THEY SAY IT ALWAYS BOUNCES BACK
I came home the other day and there it
was, sitting on the kitchen counter, ominously waiting for me to open
it. I had no intention of doing so....
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IT'S A WHOLE NEW WORLD OUT THERE
Our five-year old granddaughter
graduated from Pre-K a couple of weeks ago. There was an adorable
ceremony, where she and her 10 little classmates sang songs and then
threw their graduation caps into the air...
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DON'T ASK US HOW WE'RE DOING
If you're under 60, you may not relate
to this column quite as much as those over 60. But read on, because it
will give you an idea what's in store for you...
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GETTING THE MOST OUT OF LIFE
An old friend of mine died a few weeks
ago. And when I say old, I mean old. Ed Osgood was 103 when he passed
peacefully in his sleep on May 18th....
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GOLDILOCKS NEVER HAD THIS PROBLEM
I woke up last Sunday morning and
was told it's time to buy a new mattress...
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SOME DRUGS WORK BETTER THAN OTHERS
As I write this, I'm flying
at 35,000 feet on my way from San Francisco to Nashville for a
business trip. I'm sitting in the exit row, where I always try to sit.
Extra legroom, and first out in a crash---unless someone pulls that
guilt thing and makes me assist some others before bailing...
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ANOTHER PROFESSION TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
A few columns ago I took a pretty
good potshot at attorneys. In the interest of fairness, I am now
turning my attention to doctors. My poison pen is an equal opportunity
slanderer...
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ROOTING FOR THE TATTOOLESS
The March Madness epic semifinal
basketball matchup between Duke and North Carolina was about to start
a week ago Saturday and I didn't have a favorite. Something needed to
be done...
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NEVER TOO LATE TO SCREW THINGS UP
I'm not a huge fan of award
shows. I cringe during the acceptance speeches, especially when the
recipient starts thanking everyone from their two-year old daughter to
their yoga teacher....
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FINDING BETTER WAYS TO SPEND MONEY
"Let's go to a Warriors
basketball game at Chase Center," one of my son-in-laws exulted
after a few drinks a couple of weeks ago at a family party. "Just
the guys---and I'll organize everything."...
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THERE'S A REASON FOR LAWYER JOKES
What's the difference between a lawyer
and a jellyfish? One is a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a
form of sea life....
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LOSE A PASSION, FIND A PASSION
I've sunk to a new low. I've taken up
Pickleball...
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THE DIFFERENT WAYS TO PACK FOR A TRIP
I apologize in advance if this column
comes off as being a bit sexist. That's not my intention. Instead, I'm
just pointing out that there's a difference between me and my wife,
and she happens to be a woman and I happen to be a man. Simple as
that...
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THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF THE HOPPE SCALE
Cue the evil music. You know, the deep,
dark, pounding of the piano that foretells something very sinister
about to happen. And then the voice---as evil as can be, with a
dastardly laugh after he delivers the following word:..
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NOTHING WRONG WITH STAYING AT HOME
Did you sit at home during the
holidays? Did you long for the open road, envying others who were able
to get away for a few days? Well, this story ought to erase any
jealousies you might have....
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IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF YEAR
It's not even Christmas yet
(for those of us who celebrate it) but I'm already calling it the best
Christmas ever...
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LOSE YOUR SCRUPLES AND GET RICH QUICK
In the interest of making all of
my readers rich, I have come across a surefire way to make money in
real estate, even if prices stabilize or decrease in the coming
years...
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A LITTLE BIT BETTER EACH YEAR
Scene:
Thanksgiving Day, 2030, nine years from now. I'm sitting by the
fireplace, warming my tired, decrepit old bones. Dinner is over,
tummies are full, and the grandchildren gather around to soak up more
wisdom from Grandpa before he croaks...
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TWO DIFFERENT WAYS OF HIRING EMPLOYEES
There's been a lot of discussion
lately about the great labor shortage. I own restaurants and retail
stores, and I can attest that hiring workers these days is indeed a
challenge....
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TAKING A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE
Last Sunday felt like old times. I
woke up to the sound of rain pelting our roof. Real rain, just like
the old days. And it wasn't going to stop for a while...
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FINDING HAPPINESS CAN BE TRICKY
My wife and I went to a
rollicking wedding last weekend in the wine country. The beautiful
bride was 70 years old, and the dashing groom was 72....
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IN DEFENSE OF SAN FRANCISCO
Here's a shocker for you. Time Out
Group, a worldwide media and entertainment company founded in 1968 and
based in London, England, surveyed 27,000 global city dwellers and
came out with its annual list of world's best cities to live in....
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THE SECRET IS PICKING THE RIGHT WAR
As I write this, I'm sitting
on the deck of the lone house on a two-acre island in the Laurentians,
50 miles north of Montreal, a five-minute speedboat ride from shore.
The lake is called Lac de Seize Iles (Lake of Sixteen Islands) and my
wife's brother and sister-in-law happen to own one of the 16...
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IT WAS TIME TO COLOR MY WORLD
My wife put down the morning Chronicle
a couple of weeks ago and announced that my longtime disability was a
thing of the past....
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SOMETIMES IT'S BEST TO HAVE NO CHOICE
I had a problem. The City of San
Francisco, in its infinite wisdom, announced last week that all San
Francisco restaurants can only serve vaccinated customers, effective
August 20th...
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"NEVER AGAIN" NEVER SOUNDED SO GOOD
I am here to report that there
are advantages to getting old...
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A LITTLE PARANOIA GOES A LONG WAY
Always on the lookout for a little extra
income, I slid my laptop over to my wife at the kitchen table the
other day...
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ANARCHY IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA
In my never-ending search for an
issue that almost all of us can agree on, whether you're right-wing or
left-wing or center-wing, I am delighted to announce that I have found
something...
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THE HOPPE SCALE TRIUMPHANTLY RETURNS
As some readers may remember, I
wrote a column last summer introducing the Hoppe Scale, which measured
an individual's fear factor related to COVID-19. The detailed scale
went from 1.0 (clueless) to 5.0 (hopelessly paranoid)....
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WHEN YOUR WORLD GOES TOPSY-TURVY
Last week was an interesting one. I
thought I was dying and my wife almost ran away with the paramedics
who came to rescue me...
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JUST DON'T CALL ME LATE FOR DINNER
I've had a problem with names all my
life. Now that I'm 66 years old, one would think I would have moved on
from worrying about calling people by their first or last names...
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THE MOST WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD
I made some new friends last week. Emma,
Karl, Debbie, Rohan, Abdou and Leticia and I are in love. Our
friendship will last a lifetime, even though I'll never see them
again...
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LEARNING ABOUT THE FINANCIAL FUTURE
My wife was paying bills at the kitchen
table the other day when I walked in. It seemed as good a time as any
to let her know I had come up with a lucrative investment...
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FINDING THE RIGHT FRIENDS IS AN AGE-OLD PROBLEM
Now that I'm 66 years old and an established
senior citizen, it's vitally important to feel as young as possible.
With that in mind, and with socializing once again being the norm,
I've been thinking about which friends to get rid of, and which
friends to keep...
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ALTERING THE DICTIONARY ONE WORD AT A TIME
The pandemic has changed all of us, and
sometimes the changes are not so obvious. For instance, little things
like the English language can be a problem. With that in mind, I'd
like to report that I've discovered a word that I am learning to
really dislike...
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FIGURING OUT WHAT YOU'RE WORTH
I came home the other night and
immediately asked my wife the question that had been on my mind the
entire day. "How much do you think I'm worth by the hour?"
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IT'S TIME TO LOWER THE VOLUME A BIT
I've got plenty of
people on the right mad at me with my anti-Trump columns, so it's only
fair I get some people on the left mad at me as well. So here I go...
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TECHNOLOGY ISN'T ALWAYS THE ANSWER
I was buying a Ford, not a Tesla
or a Ferrari. So I felt pretty safe when I told the salesman I wanted
all the bells and whistles available...
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LIFE IS ONE BIG CALCULATED RISK
I was on the couch last
Saturday, not exactly miserable, but certainly not feeling 100%. A
slight headache, and maybe a little chilled...
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THREE SECRETS TO A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP
As a certified member of the esteemed
group, Worst Sleepers in the World, I feel particularly qualified to
offer my three suggestions for a good night's sleep. I finally figured
it out...
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A SUCKER DOESN'T ALWAYS GET SUCKERED
Someone has to jumpstart the
economy, and it might as well be me. That's why I decided to buy a new
car...
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SOMETIMES YOU JUST GET LUCKY
Life isn't fair. If there was
ever any doubt, consider the fact that I got my COVID-19 vaccine last
week, and so did my wife...
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TURNING THOSE FROWNS UPSIDE DOWN
I'm going to go out on a limb
here. I am hereby announcing that we have hit rock bottom. The COVID
surge and the events of January 6th at the Capitol dropped us to the
proverbial floor...
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IT'S TIME TO FADE INTO HISTORY
One man. It's hard to believe that
one man can do so much damage...
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THE ARGUMENT TO END ALL ARGUMENTS
My wife was driving, and I was
in the passenger seat last week. That's an unusual scenario for us,
but these are unusual times...
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MOMMA SAID THERE WOULD BE YEARS LIKE THIS
I've always loved the week between
Christmas and New Year's. Everything slows to a crawl. Many businesses
shut down, offices close, and people take time to hang out at home...
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IT WILL ONLY BE A MEMORY SOMEDAY
Scene: Christmas Day, 2030, ten
years from now. Dinner is over and I am sitting by the fire, my heart
and stomach full. Everyone has left except for two of my fourteen
grandchildren (it's been a prolific decade). Little Tommy is nine, and
Little Sophie is ten...
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THE EARLY BIRD ALWAYS GETS THE WORM
I was making a list at the kitchen table
the other day, and checking it twice. It wasn't going to Santa,
though, it was going to my doctor. My wife walked in just as I was
finishing...
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NOT ALL RESTRICTIONS ARE RESTRICTIVE
This has been a difficult week in a
difficult year. COVID fatigue is getting to all of us. The
restrictions on our life are piling up once again, and everyone has an
opinion as to which ones are reasonable, and which ones are not
reasonable...
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KNOWING THAT THE END IS NEAR
It was about three years ago, when
he was eight years old. I was on my usual walk with my German Shepherd
granddog, Obie...
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NOT ALWAYS BEST TO FOLLOW THE LEADER
I try to stay away from political
columns, I really do. But then something comes along that just plain
riles me up, and I can't help myself. This is one of those times...
- A THANKSGIVING DINNER LIKE NO OTHER
It was not an easy phone call
to make, but someone had to do it. The health and welfare of my family
was at stake. I also didn't want to go to jail...
- AN ELECTION LIKE NO OTHER
With the most important election
of our lifetime less than one week away, I felt compelled to offer my
thoughts, because that's what columnists get to do. For those that I
offend, I suggest they write their own column. I'll promise to read
it...
- STANDING THE TEST OF TIME, OR NOT
Back in April, when everything was
shut down and the world was reeling even more than it is now, I
gathered my four children and their spouses around me and announced I
had a surefire way to cheer everyone up...
- YOU'VE GOT TO PICK YOUR FIGHTS
I've sunk to a new low in this global
pandemic. I'm having a fight with a two year old....
- HOW I SAVED THE RESTAURANT INDUSTRY
I was looking for a thrill. I
thought about climbing the Himalayas, or perhaps kayaking down a Class
Five raging river, but in the end I decided to eat indoors in a San
Francisco restaurant....
- WHEN TIMES ARE TOUGH, GO BIG
With fires raging, business
plummeting, social interaction waning, and various other maladies
affecting my psyche, there was only one thing I could do to bolster my
outlook....
- NOT THE BEST CAREER THESE DAYS
For the life of me, I can't understand
why anyone would want to be a police officer these days, especially in
a large city like San Francisco...
- TO MOVE, OR NOT TO MOVE
I was coming home from work on
Monday and had just heard a radio commercial on KCBS advertising a
website called leavingbayarea.com. I walked in the door and announced
to my wife that we were certified losers...
- SOME THINGS JUST TAKE A LITTLE TIME
Long time readers of this column
might remember I wrote about a young man who is very close to our
family who surprised all of us in 2016 by joining the army. I promised
to give an update every so often, and now seems as good a time as
any....
- POLITICAL VICTORY IS BITTERSWEET
I did it. Many said it couldn't be
done, but I did it. After countless hours and days of political
arguments and discussions, I managed to change someone's mind...
- A LITTLE ATTITUDE CAN WORK WONDERS
I was never a huge fan of the Monty
Python movie comedies, but I've sure been thinking about one legendary
scene lately. In fact, I thought about it again Monday morning when I
woke up to an orange glow in the smoke-encrusted sky, which I sadly
realized was the sun....
- GETTING BACK ON THE SOCIAL CIRCUIT
Life is all about calculated
risks, and my wife and I decided it was time to take one. Tired of
hanging with each other, we took the plunge last Saturday and invited
some friends over for an outside dinner...
- SOMEONE ALWAYS HAS IT TOUGHER
Is the pandemic getting you down? Are
you struggling with social isolation, economic uncertainty and anxiety
about dying from COVID-19?...
- FINDING A NEW CAREER IS A GOOD BET
It's not easy being a poster
child, but since my business happens to be restaurants and retail
stores in tourist areas, it's safe to say that I am the poster child
for businesses adversely affected by this pesky pandemic thing...
- HANGING OUT WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE
With the surge of coronavirus cases
in California, everyone's anxiety level has probably increased a bit,
including mine. Consequently, I decided it was an opportune time to
increase my safety standards...
- WHAT'S LOGIC GOT TO DO WITH IT?
I perused the morning news reports
yesterday and received the usual barrage of bad stuff. Rising COVID-19
cases throughout the country, hospitals reaching capacity, massive
unemployment, Los Angeles mayor threatening to close all non-essential
businesses, and much , much more...
- DOGS AREN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE
We have a serious problem in this
country. Perhaps there are more vexing issues than the one I will be
addressing today, but in the interest of discussing something,
anything, other than current issues, I'm going with it.
- THE SCALE TO BEAT ALL SCALES
I am delighted to announce that I have
devised an instrument that will allow all of us to help navigate this
global pandemic that has been such a disruption to our lives...
- THERE'S A REASON IT'S CALLED 'USED'
"We're going to be rich!" I
exclaimed to my wife as I scanned the lineup of furniture my sons and
I had moved to the garage. "Cash will be pouring in
soon."...
- SEARCHING FOR THE BRIGHT SIDE
We get two papers every morning, the
San Francisco Chronicle and the Marin Independent Journal. On the
mornings we’re at the breakfast table at the same time, my wife gets
The Chronicle, and I grab the IJ. Then we start perusing....
- TURNING A LEMON INTO LEMONADE
In a testament to love, perseverance and a
no-global-pandemic-is-going-to-mess-up-my-life-spirit, my youngest son
married the woman of his dreams last Saturday....
- A TRIBUTE TO THE LEADER OF THE BAND
I grew up around columns. As many readers
know, my father, Arthur Hoppe, wrote a column for The Chronicle for
almost 50 years. He was a political and social satirist, and along
with Herb Caen, Charles McCabe, Stanton Delaplane and others, led a
golden age of journalism in San Francisco....
- TAKE THE TEST AND SEE HOW OLD YOU ARE
As I creep up to my 65th birthday in a
couple of months, I can feel the ravages of age begin to take over my
life. While some may say this is inevitable, I'd prefer to stay young
forever....
- BOY DOGS WILL BE BOY DOGS
Columnist's Note: I wrote this many,
many years ago when my kids were young. It's about dogs, not people.
Needless to say, there's a huge difference. The kingdom of dogs has
their own issues. Anyway, it was never published, so I'm running it
now...
- BASEBALL AND CANADIANS DON'T ALWAYS MIX
Most people don't realize how difficult
it is to be married to a Canadian, or for a Canadian to be married to
me. Adapting to the culture of their newfound land can be
uncomfortable and alienating...
- NOTHING TO DO BUT WATCH AND OBSERVE
My oldest daughter just gave
birth to our second granddaughter, and it has prompted me to make
several observations about the process, which is what columnists are
supposed to do...
- THE WEATHER DOESN'T BRING EVERYONE TOGETHER
Spring has sprung. As I write this, the
glorious sun is shining and it's a balmy 65 degrees outside. The cold
and rainy days that have plagued us for months have finally become a
distant memory....
- IT'S ALL JUST ONE BIG PUZZLE
I had to call my daughter, and I
didn't have my iPhone with me. Like the relic I am, I had to use our
landline, which meant I had to remember her phone number, because
there was no speed dial...
- ONCE A LIBERAL, NOT ALWAYS A LIBERAL
I've always been a fan of moderation.
I've always thought of it as a virtue, and tried to teach my children
that moderation is a key to leading a happy, healthy life....
- THESE GENES HAVE A STORY TO TELL
What a lovely way to start the day. I walked
into our kitchen about a month ago and was greeted by the sight of my
wife spitting into a test tube...
- IT'S NOT MUCH FUN BEING A TARGET
Want to feel young? Want to feel
spry and healthy? Want to feel like you've got life by the horns and
nothing can make you let go? Then don't watch the evening news on
television....
- PROMOTING ENGLISH ONE WORD AT A TIME
I've been thinking about the English
language lately, mainly because it's the only language I know. I've
decided it needs a boost, so I've come up with a list of the 10 Most
Beautiful Words...
- A PHOBIA NOT TO BE DISCUSSED IN PUBLIC
I'm saddened to say that I have
been diagnosed with Glossophobia. It joins a long list of afflictions
that have befuddled me for most of my life, almost all of them
self-induced....
- LOOKING GOOD FOR ALL THE WRONG PEOPLE
With all the troubles going on in our
country these days, it seemed time for a total fluff column. So here
it is...
- TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, THE PARTY'S OVER
The rain was pouring down and the wind was
howling last Wednesday evening. I was safely weathering the storm in
the comfortable confines of my house, watching the evening newscasters
discuss the impending PG&E bankruptcy....
- TO ROOT AGAINST YOUR COUNTRY, CHAPTER TWO
As many readers know, my father wrote a
column for The Chronicle for almost 50 years. While 95% of his columns
were satirical and humorous, he would get serious from time to time,
as do I....
- FACEBOOK SPIES ARE EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK
I am a relative novice when
it comes to social media. I don't have a Twitter account, I don't
understand why you need hashtags, and I wouldn't know a Snapchat if it
struck me in the face....
- CHILDREN CAN SOMETIMES COME IN HANDY
I remember it vividly. It was about 34
years ago and I was lying on the couch watching a sporting event on
television. My first child was about 2 1/2 years old, and she was
buzzing around doing things 2 1/2 year olds do.
- WISHING EVERYONE A VERY MERRY SOMETHING
At the rate my children are
reproducing, it won't be long before I have a stable of grandchildren
who are actually old enough to walk and talk. And when we all gather
to celebrate Christmas, like many families are doing today, it will go
something like this:...
- IT CAN BE FUN TO BE INVISIBLE
I got attacked by a dermatologist last
week. He seemed like a nice fellow, giving me friendly advice about
wearing sunscreen, and then he shot me in the face with liquid
nitrogen multiple times...
- FINALLY, A SUREFIRE WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT
I'm proud to announce that I have just
entered my 27th year of trying to lose five pounds. Not many fatties
have the perseverance to keep trying to lose five pounds, and failing,
for 27 consecutive years, but I do...
- SHE LEFT THE WORK A BETTER PLACE
The sweetest woman in the world is dying.
As I write this, she's lying in her bed in a nursing home 45 miles
north of Montreal. Her family, including my wife, is beside her,
waiting for her to die...
- HOLIDAYS BRING OUT THE COMPETITION
Thanksgiving was over. As I said to my
wife as the final dishes were washed last Thursday evening, it was no
time to relax. The battle continues....
- WIN OR LOSE, IT'S JUST A STUPID GAME
I love to compete in sports. I grew
up playing basketball, moved on to doubles tennis and golf when the
body started breaking down, and look forward to competing in my sport
of the future---bocce ball...
- CHECKING YOUR INBOX IS NOT ALWAYS FUN
I was checking emails on my iPhone at
the breakfast table a couple of weeks ago and was delighted to
announce to my wife that she had finally joined an exclusive club....
- A PROPOSAL STANDS THE TEST OF TIME
If you're reading this, it means my 29
year old son proposed to his longtime girlfriend last weekend. If
you're not reading this, it means he chickened out....
- TAKING THE PRESIDENCY TO ANOTHER LEVEL
In case you haven't noticed,
Donald Trump's national approval rating jumped to 44% in a recent
Gallup poll, an all-time high. While this news may cause jubilation
for some and others to become apoplectic, it also warrants an
explanation, and I'm happy to oblige....
- CHARITABLE GIVING CAN BE A STRUGGLE
It was around 6:00 in the evening last
Saturday and my wife and I were getting ready to go out. While she
delicately slapped on some makeup and fiddled with her hair, I was
busy pumping pushups and stretching....
- EDUCATION IS ALL IN THE MIND
The 5th graders in Ms. Baker's
class at Grant Elementary, deep in the heart of Richmond, were
listening intently to Mr. T, who was teaching them about
mindfulness...
- AGING WELL CAN BE VERY REWARDING
I have a good friend who is turning 70 this
year. He is a prime physical specimen, looking and acting far younger
than his years, so I would like to officially nominate him for
induction into the Aging Hall Of Fame...
- WHEN IN DOUBT, HIRE THE COMFORT MASTER
"I have a job for you," my wife
said to me as I headed off to work Monday morning. "It won't take
long."
- AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL
I have a very close relative who is
one of my heroes. I think about what she's done, and my heart swells
and my admiration grows each day....
- THOSE IRRITATIONS JUST KEEP ON COMING
Regular readers of this
column might remember my rant many months ago about driving
irritations. I had about 122 lined up, but narrowed it down to two:...
- YOU DON'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR
I set a new personal record last
week. I put my sunglasses to rest after a whopping three years of use.
It was an emotional retirement ceremony as I placed them gently into
the rear seat pocket compartment of my car. May they rest in peace....
- THE REASON IT'S CALLED COMFORT FOOD
My grandfather, who died about a
million years ago, lived alone for the last few years of his life. I
went to visit him shortly before he croaked at the ripe old age of 92.
- TWO LANGUAGES ARE A BRILLIANT WAY TO GO
I remember it well. I was 20 years
old, and I had met my soon-to-be wife while travelling in Greece. She
was a French-Canadian from Quebec, and I was a gringo from
California...
- MORE ADVICE FROM THE VENERABLE DR. C
Editor's Note: It's time for yet
another installment from our nationally syndicated (in his dreams)
advice columnist, that Doctor of Communications himself, well known to
his legion of mythical fans as simply Doctor C....
- THIS TODDLER HAS SOME WORK TO DO
My daughter and son-in-law joined us
last weekend for a family get-together in the mountains. Naturally,
they brought along our first grandchild, a 14-month old girl...
- THIS BRIDGE ONLY GOES ONE WAY
My wife is aging before my eyes. Not
physically, of course, but mentally. She's clearly concerned about the
years taking a toll on her brain, because she's taken up bridge...
- HAVING CHOICES IS NOT ALWAYS A PLUS
I know this space gets
nauseatingly nostalgic sometimes, so I apologize in advance for doing
it again. I'll just come right out and say it---I miss Flipper.
- WHERE THE WORLD COMES TO A WONDERFUL HALT
The internet was down at our
house and I couldn't figure out why. I had just finished reading a
complicated story about sea level rise and global warming. My cell
phone kept inexplicably butt-dialing friends, who were getting
irritated, as was I.
- ORPHANS FIND FAMILIES WHEREVER THEY CAN
Like many sport-loving Americans,
I'm a little embarrassed about our country. We failed to qualify for
the World Cup tournament of soccer, which happens every four years...
- AGE IS NOTHING BUT A LOUSY NUMBER
I had a birthday last week. It was no
ordinary birthday, nor was it one of those decade birthdays that cause
so much angst, like your 40th, 60th or 80th...
- FINDING AN ENEMY IS NOT ALWAYS EASY
I was reading the morning paper last
week and it seemed like an opportune time to tell my wife that we were
finished. "Our relationship is over," I announced. "We
are no longer friends, let alone lovers."
- BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
It's always devastating when a couple
breaks up, and it's even more devastating when it's completely
one-sided. Add the dimension of a third person, and it's a recipe for
disaster....
- IT'S A FACE I'LL NEVER REMEMBER
I am facially challenged. While some
may think that pertains to my own face, it does not. My face may have
challenges, but that's not what I'm talking about....
- IN DEFENSE OF GOVERNMENT INTERFERENCE
I was having a conversation with some
conservative friends the other night about the homeless problem in San
Francisco. Not surprisingly, they had the solution...
- LESSONS ON HOW TO BE A WINE SNOB
I hate wine tasting. I don't like
drinking alcohol during the day, mainly because it doesn't give me
anything to look forward to at night. And while I enjoy wine as much
as anyone, I have no clue as to the reason why, and I really don't
care...
- THERE'S ALWAYS LESSONS TO BE LEARNED
From the emails I receive, it seems
what readers like most about this column is that it humorously
reflects on the realities of life. With that in mind, I've got a doozy
of a story to tell....
- SURVIVING LIFE IN THE FAST LANE
I'm going to come right out and
say it: I am not a sexist. I believe in equal pay for equal work,
Title IX, whatever. I'm all for equal political, economic, social,
cultural and personal rights for women...
- FIND A FRIEND WHO'S OLDER THAN YOU
I visited an old friend at his
nursing home the other day. He is 93 and nearing the end of his
decorated, incredibly successful life. His eyes are tired, he doesn't
hear well, and he shuffles around in a walker...
- WHEN THE BAD GUYS COME TO TOWN
It's always kind of fun to watch
the good guys/bad guys go at it. And we've got a ripsnorter going at
it right here on the streets and sidewalks of San Francisco....
- LOVELY SOUNDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
I was lying in bed a few nights ago
and checked the clock. It was 3 a.m. and I was wide awake. Since I had
already solved all the world's problems, I began thinking about what
subject I could tackle for this week's column....
- THIS DOCTOR HAS ALL THE ANSWERS
Editor's Note:
It's time for yet another installment from our esteemed advice
columnist, that Doctor of Communications himself, known to his legion
of fans as simply Doctor C....
- RALLYING AROUND THE PRESIDENT'S VIRTUES
Some people love Donald Trump.
Some people, especially around here, hate Donald Trump. Very few
people are indifferent. He is definitely one of the most polarizing
Presidents in history...
- DREAMING THE DREAM OF HOME OWNERSHIP
I only have one grandchild, and
she can't talk yet (or do much of anything), but if I had a couple in
the vicinity of 12 years old, I expect we'd have the following
conversation:...
- TALENT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SINGING
I came home around 9:45 the other night
after a long solo trip in the car and announced to my wife that I had
made a life-changing discovery....
- IF IT'S SUNDAY, IT'S OBITUARY DAY
There's nothing like a dissertation
on death to get your Tuesday morning off to a cheery start. I'm happy
to oblige...
- "SILVER FOX" CONFRONTS DYEING DILEMMA
To dye or not to dye. That is the
question I posed to my wife as I brushed what is left of my hair the
other morning. She was quick with her answer....
- TRUE CHAMPIONS FIND A SPORT NO ONE PLAYS
Two of my kids were over for dinner
the other night and after their free meal was consumed we turned on
the Winter Olympics. It seemed a good time to let them know I was very
disappointed in how their lives turned out...
- A TRIBUTE TO A WONDERFUL WOMAN
I hear it all the time. People
telling me they don't want to live to an age where they are a shadow
of their former selves. If they aren't in relatively full charge of
their physical abilities, they'd prefer not to be there at all.
- ENJOYING NOT LIVING IN THE MOMENT
My cell phone rang. I could see
from the caller ID that it was my 27 year old son...
- DOUBLE TROUBLE IN THE BEDROOM
My wife and I visited some
friends last week for a quick two-night trip. When they graciously
showed us to our room, we were not pleased....
- EVERYONE'S GOT THEIR OWN DRIVING IRRITATION
I'm not sure how long I'll
write this column---maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe years. I may
quit, I may be fired, I may drop dead---who knows? But I'm not going
out without listing my Top Driving Irritation. The world needs to
know....
- RELIGION AND SPORTS CAN BE A STRANGE MIX
At the risk of offending a huge segment
of the population, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that God
didn't really care who won the National Championship football game
between Alabama and Georgia that was played last week....
- NOT ALL PLACES ARE LIKE THE BAY AREA
With the New Year upon us, it's time to
turn our thoughts to charitable giving. So I'd like to suggest sending
donations to help keep my country club golf course from closing
down...
- TO DRIVE, OR NOT TO DRIVE
We were gliding along Interstate
5 last week, heading down to San Diego for a short vacation. My wife
was beside me in the passenger seat, eagerly criticizing my driving
while staring at the barren scenery...
- BABYSITTING CAN BE VERY LUCRATIVE
My wife and I babysat our little six
month old granddaughter last Saturday night. She was dropped off at 6
pm, and not picked up until 9 am the next morning. It was her first
sleepover with us...
- THE WORLD IS FULL OF GOOD PEOPLE
It's the holiday season, and like most
people, I'm tired of all the bad news that dominates the airwaves and
the newspapers each and every day. This is supposed to be the time to
rejoice, so I'm going to give it a shot....
- BIRTHDAYS REQUIRE GOOD TIMING
When I am King, one of my first acts
will be to outlaw sexual intercourse during the month of March...
- THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT COFFEE
Another one bites the dust. My 27 year
old son just informed me that he has started to drink coffee for the
first time in his life...
- FIRST WE'VE GOT TO CHANGE THE CULTURE
A couple of weeks ago I started
writing a column on gun control. Like every American, I was horrified
by the latest mass shootings and set out to investigate how anyone
could rationalize the sale and use of military-style assault weapons
by private citizens....
- SOME BOOKS AREN'T MEANT TO BE SOLD
I've been doing this column thing for a
while now, and it may be time to accept one of those offers from
publishers who are eager to compile the columns into a bestselling
book. And I might, as soon as the first offer rolls in...
- SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO EAT
My wife and I were on a road
trip last weekend and it was time for lunch. As usual, that was a
problem...
- HOW TO HANDLE LOUSY COMMUTES
For all those who are upset and
frustrated by the ridiculous traffic that has clogged Bay Area
freeways for years (and is getting worse by the day), I have
miraculously come up with a solution...
- IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY BEING A MAN
I was in a bad mood, and had been for
a couple of days. No reason. Business was fine, family was fine,
health was fine. I was just in a bad mood and wanted to show the
world, starting with my wife.
- TRYING TO LAUGH THROUGH THE TEARS
I woke up a couple of Mondays ago,
checked my phone, and there was the text message. My sister and
brother-in-law were at Denny's 24 hour Restaurant, and needed a place
to stay...
- DO WE REALLY NEED AN INVINCIBLE PRESIDENT?
While the fires raged last week in
the Wine Country and beyond, creating unimaginable devastation and
suffering, another story shared the headlines that created a different
kind of unimaginable scenario...
- DATING IS FOR THE YOUNG AT HEART
I've always said the one thing you can't
control is your children's love life. That doesn't mean I can't try,
though....
- A VOTE IN FAVOR OF IMMIGRATION
A good friend and business
associate of mine came into my office last week, armed with videos and
pictures of 1374 immigrants from 95 countries taking the oath to
become a citizen of the United States of America...
- JUST TRYING TO DO THE SMART THING
A good friend of mine thinks
I'm an intellectual. He invited me to a philosophical seminar,
"Living a Good Life," to be held at Cavallo Point in
Sausalito November 10th...
- A MARITAL BEDTIME STORY
On most nights, my wife and I get ready
for bed around the same time. We go through our routine, do a little
reading, and then turn off the lights for a blissful night's sleep.
Sounds good, but living with someone is never always that easy. It's
all about timing....
- ASK A QUESTION, GET AN ANSWER
Editor's Note: It's time for yet
another installment from that noted advice columnist, the Doctor of
Communications himself, aka Dr. C. While Dr. C usually expertly
answers questions from readers ...
- TEACHING YOUR KIDS THE BASICS
We were on a family vacation in
the mountains last week with all four of our grown children. As my 36
year old daughter climbed into a motorboat with me, she offered a
cheerful comment...
- JUST GIVE CONCERTS A CHANCE
I went to a concert a week ago Sunday.
This was a big deal, because I don't go to concerts. I don't like
concerts. Never have...
- WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH ONE DAY TO LIVE?
We were out to dinner the other
night with some friends. The conversation was dragging a bit, so I
decided to spice it up by asking a question....
- A MAN AND HIS SOFA WILL NEVER PART
There is a difference between men
and women. If there was any doubt, it was proven on the sales floor of
a huge furniture warehouse a couple of weeks ago...
- WANTED: A PRESIDENT WITH DIGNITY
In January, the week of the
inauguration of Donald Trump as President, I wrote a serious column
titled "Time for Other Voices to be Heard." I took a lot of
heat from some readers, and I promised to revisit the issue sometime
in the future...
- KEEP FLOSSING UNTIL YOUR TEETH FALL OUT
I think about professions a lot. What's
it like to be an attorney, a laborer, a contractor, an engineer, a
proctologist, an actor, a porn star, a politician? Inquiring minds
want to know....
- HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW
My hair stylist, if you can call
her that, retired about a month ago. She had cut my hair for the last
30 years, and she was quite possibly the worst hair stylist that ever
walked the Earth...
- SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO GO YOUR OWN WAY
We had a huge fight in the car the other
day. As is often the case, it was over directions. I wanted to go one
way, she wanted to go the other way. I'm sorry to say it got ugly...
- BABIES NEED TO GET A LIFE
"It's time to
go," said my wife, excitedly, as she dragged me towards the door.
"This is a big moment in our lives."...
- FREEDOM COMES WITH MANY CONSEQUENCES
There's a really corny movie
comedy that came out about 12 years ago called "Deuce Bigalow:
European Gigolo." It was terrible, but it had a great opening
scene where Deuce was swimming with his new bride in a secluded
bay....
- KIDS ARE KIDS, NO MATTER WHAT
I was in the heart of the Carmel
Valley a couple of weeks ago, in an area called The Preserve. It is a
private community of 300 homesites on a measly 22,000 acres...
- MAKING A CASE FOR GOING BAREFOOT
Reason Number 4327 as to why I could
never be a woman is shoes. I'm going to generalize here, and I fully
realize there are millions and millions of exceptions, but I'm going
to go out on a limb and say women like shoes and men don't...
- THE NEW GENERATION HAS WORK TO DO
My father, who wrote a satirical
daily column in The Chronicle for almost 50 years, mixed in a serious
one every so often. "A New Beginning," which appeared on
October 17, 1979, was one of those, and I remember it well. I found it
in the archives, and read it again.
- A SUREFIRE WAY TO BECOME RICH
It was late, and my eyes were
drooping. I reached over to turn off the reading light above my side
of the bed...
- NO LOVE FOR THE JINGLE FROM HELL
I was driving, the radio was on, and
my wife was in the passenger seat. Since we have wildly different
tastes in music and can never agree on a music station, we were
listening to KCBS, the all-news station...
- EVERY SOLDIER NEEDS A LITTLE TRAINING
It's been almost a year since I wrote
about a young man from Marin County, best friend to my two sons and
marketing manager for my company, who surprised all of us by
announcing he was joining the army...
- GETTING OLD IS NO WALK IN THE PARK
I was taking my granddog, Obie, for
a walk a couple of months ago, and I had the unpleasant experience of
remembering that getting old is not for sissies...
- HOW TO COMMUNICATE IN A MODERN WORLD
There is a Miss Manners, a Dear Abby and
a host of other advice columns. And now there is one more, at least
for today. Meet the Doctor of Communications, aka Dr. C, who will
answer all your etiquette questions related to email, texting and cell
phone calling in this modern world...
- A BATTLE FOR THE AGES
A new hairdo, a spray-on tan, a facial,
working out almost every day---obviously, my wife was having an
affair....
- IN SEARCH OF THE PERFECT PILLOW
I got an email the other day from a
reader who wasn't happy about the subjects of some recent columns.
"Our country is a mess," she wrote, "and you're writing
about plumbers and Easter egg hunts? Disgraceful."
- EASTER EGG HUNTS CAN BE LUCRATIVE
Easter Sunday is almost upon us, so
it is time for some of us to think about Jesus Christ rising from the dead and,
coincidentally, time to think about where to hide the eggs...
- ALL WE NEED IS A LITTLE VISION
I am not happy with my parents,
grandparents or my great grandparents. They really dropped the ball on
health care, and I'm paying the price...
- YOUTH IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
The San Francisco Giants are deep
into spring training in Scottsdale, Arizona, and there were two aging
veterans attempting a comeback: Jimmy Rollins, a 38 year old former
MVP of the National League....and me...
- BUILDING A WALL IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS
MEMO
To: The President of the United States
From: A concerned citizen
Date: March 21, 2017
Re: Walls
Please excuse the personal tone of this
memo, but it seems appropriate because we have so much in common.
Well, maybe not that much, but at least one thing: We both want to
build a wall....
- SHE'S NEW, SHE'S SEXY, AND SHE'S A PROBLEM
"I'm thinking about making a
change," I said to my wife a few months ago. "Something
sleeker, something racier, something newer."...
- A LITTLE HONESTY CAN GO A LONG WAY
My wife flew to Montreal last week
to visit her 93 year old mother. As I drove her to the airport, I
decided to be honest with her, for the first time in 40 years. I was
tired of being a fraud...
- IN DEFENSE OF A NOBLE PROFESSION
The President of the United States,
who is known as the leader of the free world, said the media are
"the enemy of the people." It's hard to believe anyone could
be so wrong...
- GET YOURSELF A RESCUE SPOUSE
It was raining again, for the third day
in a row. I was sitting at the breakfast table in our Marin County
home, eating my banana and peanut butter, and my wife sat across from
me as the rain incessantly pelted the roof...
- TO ROOT AGAINST YOUR CHILDREN
Like most parents, I'm generally
supportive of everything my children do in life, from watching them
take their first step to hoping they choose the right partner. It's
all about rooting for the home team...
- AGE IS NOTHING BUT A LOUSY NUMBER
We all gathered around the fireplace
the other night, with me sitting as erect as I could on the hearth.
Everyone else was at my feet, staring up and waiting for my words of
wisdom....
- SEARCHING FOR THE PERFECT IN-LAW
The garbage disposal stopped working the
other day, and the toilet was acting up. And all I could think about
was how my daughter had let me down by marrying a surfer who happens
to be in sales...
- TIME FOR OTHER VOICES TO BE HEARD
With the inauguration of
President-elect Donald Trump only three days away, I feel compelled to
write about the state of our country, which is what is on everyone's
mind these days...
- TRUE LOVE HAS NO BOUNDARIES
I was in the airport bookstore a few
weeks ago, browsing for a trashy novel, when my eyes flashed on an old
love, staring at me from the cover. It was Joe Montana and the book
was "Montana, the Biography of Football's Joe Cool."...
- FALLING APART IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES
I hate to brag, but I've got bicep
tendonitis. Well, at least I did until my body literally started
falling apart. Modern or ancient medicine played no role in my
recovery. It was just the human body working its magic....
- WHENEVER POSSIBLE, TAKE THE SCENIC ROUTE
Here's a holiday story which
has nothing to do with Christmas, or New Year's, and only a bit about
the season. It's just a reminder, at least to me, about slowing down
and enjoying life...
- PLUNGING HEADFIRST INTO THE 21ST CENTURY
If I had a grandchild, which I don't, as
soon as the little whippersnapper could talk and use a computer, we
would have probably had the following conversation at some point in
the last 10 years...
- 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE CRANKY
My wife, who would not make a very good
nurse, was rather unimpressed when I told her a few days ago that I
had a disease...
- SOMETIMES THE BUYER NEEDS A LITTLE HELP
This is kind of a sad story, the kind
that might shake your faith in human nature. It's not about pain, or
disease, or death, or anything on that level. It's just about money,
the root of many evils in this world...
- I'M JUICED UP AND I'VE BEEN CLEANSED!
As I write this, it's Thursday morning,
Thanksgiving Day. In about seven hours, my family and a few friends
will gather at my house, and I will eat and drink all I want...
- SELF-DRIVING MY WAY INTO THE FUTURE
If I was 12 years old right now, I'd
be really unhappy. Maybe it's just me, but when I was 12 years old, I
distinctly remember being very worried that by the time I turned 16
and was eligible to finally have my driver's license and have the
thrill of driving a car, all cars would be driverless....
- DON'T BE IN A HURRY TO PULL MY PLUG
With the anxiety and depression
of the election complete, my wife and I decided we needed some
cheering up. So off we went last week to meet with an attorney...
- ABSENTEE BALLOTS WON'T GET MY VOTE
I always looked forward to Election
Day. I'd drive to work, passing the American flags flying gallantly
outside our community polling place, knowing I would stop on my way
home to cast my crucial vote...
- SAVING A LIFE IS NOT THAT SIMPLE
For about 40 years now, I've been meaning to
take one of those CPR classes, just in case I came across some poor
soul who needed me to save their life...
- TEXTING IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS
My youngest son, who is in his
mid-twenties, is on the prowl. After a five year relationship with his
girlfriend came to a sudden halt a few months ago, he sulked for a few
weeks and then hit the singles market with a vengeance...
- ALL I WANT IS A LITTLE MIRACLE
"I've got a present for
you," I said to my wife a few months ago. "What did you buy
for yourself this time?" she asked as I led her into our home gym
that was at one time a garage that was actually used...
- FLYING IS DEFINITELY FOR THE BIRDS
My wife, who for some strange reason
likes to fly, suggested last weekend we go see the movie
"Sully," which is the story of US Air Flight 1549's plunge
into the Hudson River in January of 2009...
- DON'T LET FACTS GET IN THE WAY
I was having lunch the
other day with a good friend of mine, and naturally the conversation
turned to politics, as it always does these days...
- LEGAL OR NOT, IT'S ALL THE SAME
I'm probably ruining my chances of
becoming President of the United States, but I'm still going to come
out and admit that I am a criminal. I have tried marijuana...
- CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN, UNFORTUNATELY
I got dressed for work the other day
and secretly put on the spanking new dress shoes and glistening new
dress shirt I had purchased all by myself the day before. I then
walked into the kitchen and paraded in front of my wife...
- NO SUCH THING AS AN UNKNOWN SOLDIER
In this fractious, polarized election
year, it would be nice to talk about something that everyone can agree
on. Maybe this story can do the trick...
- BEWARE OF WISE MEN BEARING GIFTS
There is no such thing as a free lunch. I
am reminded of this old and wise saying every time my wife and I are
invited to a dinner party, as we were the other evening.
- LOVE CAN ALWAYS USE A LITTLE SALAMI
I don't fall in love easily, but I'm pretty
sure this is the real thing. There have been others, and I stubbornly
thought we had something going, but this is different. This is true
love...
- WHAT'S RHYTHM GOT TO DO WITH IT?
I miss my mother. She died almost two
years ago, and I miss her for a lot of reasons, but mostly because she
thought I was a good dancer...
- LOOKING GOOD IS CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION
On January 1, 2016, as I
entered my 27th consecutive year of trying to lose five pounds, I must
admit I had lost both hope and interest. The pattern had become eerily
consistent. I would go on a diet, lose three pounds, and then
celebrate by eating like a pig until I had gained it back....
- A LIFE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER
My best friend from high school and
college died over a month ago and few people noticed. As far as I
know, there was no memorial service, no funeral, no obituary, no
nothing. How sad...
- THE ONLY GOOD SONG IS AN OLD SONG
Not one to miss out on a hot new trend,
I decided the other day to get an Ipod, or whatever it is they call it
these days.
- NO GOOD IDEA GOES UNPUNISHED
My two sons, who are in their
mid-twenties, came to me a few years ago and asked which industry they
should focus on for their budding business careers.
- HUSBANDS CAN'T KNOW EVERYTHING
My wife and I were driving along,
peacefully enjoying the pastoral scenery, when the song
"Brown-Eyed Girl" came on the radio...
- WHEN IN DOUBT, CALL DOCTOR INTERNET
I was in pain. I got out of my car
a few weeks ago after a five hour drive, and could barely walk. My
left calf had tightened up. I had no idea why.
- HAPPINESS IS JUST A SHORTCUT AWAY
When my kids were young, and I had
all four of them in the car going somewhere or other, I distinctly
remember when I would encounter a serious traffic jam on the
freeway...
- NOT EVERYONE IS A SPORTS FAN
My wife doesn't understand me. She
thinks I'm shallow, demented, obsessive, compulsive, misguided and
generally ridiculous...
- TRUE LOVE DOESN'T COME CHEAP
My oldest daughter and her boyfriend
came by not long ago and happily announced that they were engaged to
be married...
- A FISH STORY FOR LOSERS
The alarm clock went off at the ungodly hour of 5:45 last Saturday
morning. But I was already wide awake, eager to provide for my
family...
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