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EXPERTS DON'T HAVE
ALL THE ANSWERS
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I may get a lot of grief over this bold statement, especially
from women, but I've decided I'm just going to say it anyway.
I've become an expert at childbirth.
Hold your tongues, ladies. I completely realize I've never
actually given birth myself. For that matter, I've never even been pregnant.
But after witnessing my four children being born, and then welcoming my
sixth grandchild into the world last week, I'm calling myself an expert.
It wasn't always this way. Once upon a time, specifically when
my wife was in labor with our first child, my credentials weren't quite as
strong. So when she was screaming in agony while desperately pushing, she
didn't appreciate me telling her that I knew how she felt.
"It's just like when I hit the 18 mile mark in my first
(and only) marathon I ran last week," I told her as I wiped the sweat
from her brow.
I remember her reaction well. She looked like the demonic
character in "The Exorcist" as she said words seldom heard from
her lips: "F### You."
It wasn't one of our more romantic moments. And for the record,
I was kidding. And a bit clueless.
But now that I've been through nine more births, I get it. I
tell my sons that joking around in the delivery room doesn't always go well.
And I don't tell my daughters anything, mainly because I fear for my life.
It doesn't make me any less of an expert, though. After 10
births, I've learned quite a bit. Most of all, I've learned that Caesarean
births, or C-sections, deserve their place in the sun.
32% of all births in the United States are now delivered by
C-section. Worldwide, C-sections have jumped from 7% in 1990 to 21% today.
Brazil is tops with 56% of all births being Caesarian.
In my distinguished career of childbirth, I've seen it all. My
first daughter was delivered after an excruciating labor (see above) and my
second daughter was in a breeched position and we made an appointment for 9
a.m on a Monday for a C-section delivery. A few hours later (after check-in
and prep) and, presto, she was born. How civilized!!
Yet, despite the ease (for me, especially) of the procedure, I
am not naive enough to condone elective Caesarians. There are plenty of
risks, including excessive bleeding, infections and blood clots. Natural
childbirth is still the king.
Another area of my expertise, though, is in emergency
C-sections, which comprise 17% of all births in the United States. That's
where the natural birth isn't going well, and the doctor strongly suggests
the health of the baby or the mother would be better served with surgery.
Thank goodness for these procedures. I've had a couple of them
(calm down, ladies, I know it's not me) and I'm eternally grateful it can be
done. I'm not sure I could have handled it the other way.
That's what makes me an expert. I've seen natural birth,
elective C-sections, and emergency C-sections in my 10 deliveries. I've
struggled through agonizing labor, made convenient appointments for the
miracle to come into this world, and stressed when things aren't going well
and surgery is required.
And yes, I know how it feels. I told my sons if they want to
experience natural childbirth, open their mouth and stretch their upper lip
over their nose and their lower lip under their chin. That ought to do it.
As for Caesarians, I'll just equate it with my hip replacement
and back surgery. The only difference is that for me they put things in and
for women they take things out. Mild disparity.
Of course, many women, including my wife and daughters, will
tell me I am not an expert on childbirth and never will be. That's sexist.
Just because they went through pregnancy and actually delivered the baby
does not mean they have all the answers.
In the interest of not being murdered, however, I will admit
that mothers might be slightly more knowledgeable about the miracle of birth
than I am.
In fact, the more I think about it, I'll take it a step
further. I'm going to relinquish my expert status when it comes to
childbirth and transfer it to sports, where it rightfully belongs. That way
I can stay alive.
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