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LOVE EVERYONE,
EXCEPT CANADIANS |
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I've marked my calendar. My beloved San Francisco Giants will
be playing the Toronto Blue Jays in Toronto on Saturday, July 19th in
Toronto. I need to be there so I can boo the Canadian national anthem.
So what if my wife is Canadian and her family is still there?
So what if Canada has always been our greatest friend and ally? So what if
our President is unhinged? This is war, baby, and I have to protect
and defend my American interests.
I will admit I never expected to despise Canadians. They're
pretty nice people, evidenced by the fact that I married one of them. I
visited every year, impressed by the beauty of the country, the warmth of
their people and their national health insurance.
But until they become our 51st state, Canada is apparently
now my enemy. Our President has imposed ridiculous tariffs on Canadian
imports, and those ungrateful northern neighbors had the audacity to
retaliate by imposing tariffs on our goods.
How dare they? Just because we are making every effort to
ruin their economy, they seem hell-bent on ruining ours. Let the games
begin.
My first call was to my brother-in-law, who lives in Quebec
and who I was once friendly with. "Hello, you jerk," I said when
he answered. "May you go bankrupt and starving. I'm sure being
homeless in a Canadian winter will serve you well."
"Nice to hear from you, you American pig," he
replied. "Your President is an idiot and a disgrace. May you suffer
irreparable harm thanks to his starting this trade war."
"No worries," I answered in an attempt to be more
conciliatory. "All will be forgiven when you become our 51st state.
You won't even need a passport to come visit me."
It wasn't working. Apparently, Canadians aren't too excited
about joining the United States. In fact, he said he'd rather die, which
might be a slight escalation of our trade war if you read between the
lines.
My next call was to my other brother-in-law in Quebec, who
was married to an American from Oregon. Surely, he would be more
interested in working things out, especially considering his wife was one
of us.
"She hates everything American right now, in particular
your President," he said when I asked if his wife was eager to come
back into the fold. "She'd rather die than become a citizen of the
51st state."
Sounded like a pattern. It looked like both of us were hell
bent on destroying the other. Our friendship was a distant memory, thanks
to our President's very strange policies.
Naturally, this caused me some concern, since I was married
to the enemy. While my wife had become an American citizen many years ago,
her blood still ran right through her Canadian roots. I sensed trouble.
Sure enough, after I cautiously broached the subject of the
trade war with our former friends, she actually took the side of our new
enemy. I was appalled.
"How can you possibly disagree with our President's
attempts to eliminate jobs and increase inflation," I asked,
incredulous. "Don't you realize he has a secret plan to make America
great again?"
She wasn't buying it. She actually seemed more concerned that
we were not only ruining our economy, but Canada's, too. How shallow. How
un-American.
I decided that somewhere along the road she must have been
turned, just like many are making the same accusations of our President
and Russia. My wife was clearly an agent of those rotten Canadians.
I could "out" her, or I could play along. I decided
on the latter. In fact, I decided I would continue our annual visit to my
in-law's beautiful lake house in northern Quebec. I will glean information
from our enemy, just like my wife is doing from us.
Of course, I'm assuming the borders will still be open and
neither my Canadian in-laws nor us are destitute. And that's a big
assumption, considering the preposterous and idiotic executive orders that
come out of Washington every day.
Oops. With statements like that, maybe I won't be such a
valuable spy after all. But at least I'll still be married.
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