|
| |
|
FIGHTING THE FIGHT
WITH WORDS AND FINGERS |
|
Scene: A hotel ballroom. The annual meeting of The American Bicycle
Coalition is taking place. A few thousand enthusiasts, all wearing
outrageously colorful spandex, are seated in the audience. The head table
consists of the President, Vice-President, Secretary and two honorees.
President: Before we discuss our legislative agenda, I'd like to
introduce our selections for Male and Female Jerk of the Year (wild
applause). Thank you for the hundreds of nominations that you sent in.
Many of you nominated yourself for various acts of rudeness. While we
understand your pride, those nominations didn't make the final cut.
Vice-President: I'd like to chime in here. We'd also like to thank
all of the nominees for letting motorists know they are thoughtless,
idiotic, pathetic examples of automobile drivers and shouldn't be allowed
to be on the road.
President: Yes, one day they will all realize that bicyclists never
make a mistake and that we do indeed own the road. Now let's move on to
our award winners. For Male Jerk of the Year, let's give a warm round of
applause to Fabio Jones.
(The crowd erupts as Fabio strolls to the podium to accept his trophy.)
Fabio: (Motioning for everyone to sit) Thank you, thank you.
I'm humbled by this award. I'd like to think I've made the roads safer for
all of us by my screaming, swearing and raising my middle finger with the
bicycle salute.
President: Fabio is indeed humble. What earned him the award was
when an 80 year old woman incredibly drove into the bike lane to make a
right turn. When she stopped at the intersection, Fabio pounded on her
hood and screamed obscenities at her. She won't be making that mistake
again.
Vice President: (chiming in again) And best yet, he was so enraged
he didn't even notice it was his mother.
(Fabio blushes as he returns to his seat amidst another standing
ovation)
President: For our Female Jerk of the Year, I'd like to present our
award to a woman who has the mouth of a sailor, the face of a hardened
Marine, and one of the biggest middle fingers you'll ever see on a
bicycle. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Matilda Brown.
(More wild applause, amidst calls of "You go, girl")
Matilda: F### THE CARS, AND THEIR DRIVERS!" (The crowd goes
nuts). Let me just say one thing. Anyone who opens their driver's side
door when parked and makes me swerve three feet out of my way DESERVES TO
DIE!!!
(Bedlam ensues. Shouts of "Save us, Matilda!" and "Two
Wheel Assassin" reverberate through the audience.)
President: Thank you, Matilda and Fabio, for all you do. We
need bicyclists like the two of you to let drivers know how vulnerable we
are when barreling down hills at 40 miles per hour. If we didn't scream at
them, they'd continue their dangerous behavior.
(A petite, middle-aged woman in the front row meekly raises her hand.
The President makes an exception and invites her to say something)
Petite woman: A lot of people think bicyclists are the
grumpiest, angriest people in the world. I'm a bicyclist, but I drive a
car, too. And I've made some mistakes when driving my car. I get very
upset when I get yelled at by a bicyclist. Couldn't we be more polite in
our criticism?
(Boos cascade throughout the ballroom, along with shouts of "Throw
the bum out!")
President: (calming the crowd) That's an interesting point, but
not a popular one. I think most of us agree that when our unprotected 20
pound bicycle goes up against a 4000 pound fortress of steel, we're at a
huge disadvantage. So we make up for it by screaming obscenities and
flipping drivers off.
(The blood-thirsty crowd goes wild again. Shouts of "Car drivers
suck," and "Let them choke on their fossil fuel" fill the
air.)
President: (raising his arm) Enough, enough. They'll learn we
own the road someday. We just have to keep fighting the fight. Now, let's
get on to our legislative session. Madame Secretary, what's first on our
agenda?
Secretary: There's a movement afoot to eliminate the bike lane on the
Richmond-San Rafael bridge in Northern California that is used by
approximately 45 bicyclists per day in favor of a third lane for the
18,000 automobiles that are stuck in a horrendous commute.
(Boos again erupt, along with cries of "They're out to get
us!")
President: Let's not waste time on something that will never
happen. Let's concentrate instead on our campaign for a bicycle lane on
Interstate 80 coast to coast. One lane is more than enough for the cars.
(The curtain drops as the crowd erupts again and garishly colorful
spandex tops are thrown into the air) |
|
|
