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IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY
BEING A MAN
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I was in a bad mood, and had been for a couple of days. No
reason. Business was fine, family was fine, health was fine. I was just in a
bad mood and wanted to show the world, starting with my wife.
It took her three days to notice, but she finally realized my
one-word responses and sullen attitude were a bit out of the ordinary.
"What's the matter?" she asked. "Something
wrong?"
"Everything's fine," I replied, squaring my manly
shoulders. "I'm just having my period."
Like most women, she didn't take kindly to me attacking their
territory, but I didn't care. I tell it like it is, and I had no other
reason to be in a bad mood.
"Hey, I've got hormones, too," I said as she tried to
wave me off. "And let me tell you---they're raging right now."
"Men don't get periods," she replied. "I don't
know where you get these ideas."
"Well, I've got news for you, little lady," I huffed.
"For your information, I'VE GOT ….IMS!!!!"
She actually looked at me with curiosity, which I took as a
victory. "What the hell is IMS?"
"Irritable Male Syndrome," I confidently answered.
"I read all about it in Cosmopolitan."
I could have predicted her response. "First of all, what
are you doing reading Cosmopolitan? And secondly, you're out of your
mind."
"Yes, I am a little out of my mind, but that's because I
happen to have IMS right now. I Googled male periods and the Cosmopolitan
article about IMS was right in my face. Anyway, I chart these things. You'll
be happy to know I don't get it every month. More like every 10 weeks."
I actually don't chart it, but when you have IMS you don't
really care about exaggerating. It just seems like every 10 weeks, so
I went with it.
"What about menopause?" she asked, looking for ways
to diffuse my condition. "Shouldn't you be too old to be getting your
period?"
I wasn't deterred. In fact, I was encouraged. "Maybe that
explains the hot flashes I've been getting lately. Do you think there's some
light at the end of the tunnel for my IMS episodes?"
She actually patted me on the shoulder. "That's why they
call it The Golden Years."
My mood actually brightened with the news. I could actually see
a time, far in the future, when my hormones would no longer fluctuate
wildly, and I could blame a bad mood on something that actually happened in
my life.
The discussion ended, though, and we went to bed without her
being convinced I was having my period. So when I woke up with night sweats,
I let her know.
"Oh, my God," she said sleepily. "It's just hot
in here. Open a window."
She just didn't get it. Women never do. Irritated, I got up the
next morning and went right to the computer and printed out the Cosmopolitan
article about Irritable Male Syndrome.
She skimmed it while eating breakfast, but she couldn't miss
the part I circled. It asked the question "What should you do when he's
male PMS-ing?"
She read the answer aloud. "Talk to your man if his moodiness becomes
an issue. If you think your guy is on his 'period' or experiencing some IMS,
cut him some slack."
I nodded from across the table as she read. Maybe now that
Cosmopolitan had investigated the issue, she would understand what I was
going through.
Or maybe not. Apparently, Cosmopolitan is a step below The New
England Journal of Medicine when it comes to diagnosing bodily health.
"OK, I'll cut you some slack," she said. "I will
admit that you are in a bad mood for no reason whatsoever, and that your
testosterone level must have dropped considerably."
I didn't like her tone. "What do you mean by that?" I
asked, worried where this was going. "I'm talking about my mood, not my
manhood."
"You said your hormones were off, and I'm agreeing,"
she answered, tossing the article to the side. "I'm cutting you some
slack and being sympathetic. You poor boy. Your testosterone must be at an
all time low."
Smart woman. Very smart woman. My unexplained bad mood went
away, never to be discussed again.
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