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LOVE MAKES THE
WORLD GO ROUND
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I should have been a marriage counselor. I'm amazingly well
versed in finding ways to enrich the marital experience.
For instance, I stormed into the kitchen a few months ago and
announced to my wife that she would henceforth be required to tell me that
she loved me at least once a day.
"That's nice," she replied. "May I ask if
there's a reason behind your request?"
"Yes, you may. It's because I'm a shallow, insecure little
baby who needs constant reassurance that I'm actually loved."
"That makes sense," she said as she sipped her
morning coffee. "I'll give it a shot. I love you."
That's not what I had in mind, and I told her so. It had to be
spontaneous and genuine, or it didn't count. She promised to work on it.
There are two types of lovers in the world. There's the
romantic, mushy, enthusiastic, giddy, kissy, cuddly type and there's the
more reserved, stoic, cerebral, sullen, logical type. Personally, I prefer
the latter, which is why I married my wife. She is just like me.
The difference is, as noted, I can be an insecure wimp
sometimes, and she is not. While I occasionally need reassurance, she does
not. Hence my new plan to have her tell me she loves me at least once a day.
It lasted about a week and it was glorious. But then a day
passed when she forgot, and then a week passed when I forgot that she
forgot. A change needed to be made. It was too one-sided.
"Okay, since you have recently failed miserably at telling
me you love me every day, we're changing it up," I said to her one
morning a couple of weeks ago. "Even though it's not as important to
you, I now also have to say 'I love you' to you once a day."
"Okay, I love you," she said, barely looking up.
"I'm done for the day. Your turn."
I let out a big sigh. This wasn't going to be that easy. I
decided we needed a set of unflappable Rules of Engagement. I would work on
it and get back to her.
I presented the rules to her that evening, as follows:
1. You must say, "I love you." "Love you" and
especially "Love ya" doesn't count. Full sentences are required.
2. Saying it in bed either in the morning or at night is a
disqualification. That's too easy.
3. Once one person says "I love you" the other person must
wait at least 30 minutes before reciprocating. That gives the loser time to
forget.
4. Texting "I love you" is allowed, but only once a week.
5. Saying "I love you" on the phone is allowed only when
one party is out of town. And since there's Caller ID, answering the phone
with an "I love you" before anyone has spoken is forbidden.
6. The "I love you" cannot be perfunctory. A touch of
warmth is required. Rejections are final. No arguing.
7. Finally, if the "I love you" is preceded with a
compliment, extra points are awarded. That won't happen often.
"Why do you get to make all the rules?" she said
after perusing the requirements I wrote. "I don't remember making you
King."
"It's because it was my idea and I'm the needy member of
this partnership," I replied, giving her a big hug. "And by the
way, I love you."
She started to reciprocate, but quickly realized she had to
wait 30 minutes. She was catching on fast.
It's been a couple of weeks now and I'm happy to report that my
experiment is a rousing success. By creating a competition where there's a
race to say "I love you" before the other partner has a chance
means it's unlikely there will be forfeitures. My wife doesn't like to lose.
As a result, I'm feeling thoroughly secure. Once a day is more
than enough to satiate my pathetic need to be loved. And my wife doesn't
seem to mind the two-way street, either.
I'm also delighted to announce that my idea is not proprietary.
Marriage counselors are welcome to use my Rules of Engagement in their
practice. It is my honor to be able to help improve marriages around the
world.
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