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TAKING MY BALL
AND GOING HOME
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I've been besieged by one or two readers to deliver a
commentary on last week's Presidential election. While I'm always hesitant
to write about politics, I do make exceptions. So here goes.
Like almost half the country, I was devastated by the
results. But I know how to lose with dignity. I accepted the outcome of what
I perceived as a free and fair election. The people spoke. Which leaves me
with only one honorable alternative.
Secession.
Now that may seem like sour grapes to some, but at least I'm
not claiming the election was rigged. Instead, I'm accepting the will of the
people. I'd just prefer not to be part of it.
I happen to live in California, and we all know the Golden
State voted overwhelmingly in favor of Kamala Harris over Donald Trump, 59%
to 38%. In addition, Oregon and Washington completed the Left Coast trifecta,
Oregon at 55% to 41% and Washington at 58% to 38%. A trouncing all around.
Consequently, it seems reasonable to suggest we quietly create
a spanking new country that will live in eternal peace with our eastern
neighbors. We can combine the states and call it Calorington, but that's
kind of boring. Since I am instituting this majestic movement, I'd like to
humbly suggest Hopadopolis.
Let me be clear. Unlike the Southern states that declared
secession in 1860, this movement will go nowhere if bloodshed is involved.
Hopadopolis will be a peaceful country. We are well aware we'd get the crap
beat out of us if it came to blows.
No, this movement is based on the fact that the once and future
President of the United States would like nothing better than to be rid of
us. New York also voted against him, but he's a New Yorker and an Easterner.
He'd be hard-pressed to let those states go. But California,
Oregon and Washington might as well be in outer space as far as he's
concerned.
Think of the benefits for his administration. Mass deportation?
One-fourth of the undocumented immigrants in this country live in
California. Scratch them off the list. Not only will it reduce the federal
effort, the wine, farm and restaurant industries of Hopadopolis will be
saved.
Instead of spending time coming up with ways to punish the Left
Coast, President Trump can work on building a wall along our border with
Arizona, Nevada and Idaho. And yes, we'll gladly pay for it.
What about the 38% of Californians that voted for him, you
might ask? Where will those 4,820,000 voters go? Simple. We'll create a
little enclave in Orange County, much like the little countries of Europe
like Andorra or Liechtenstein. Not sure if they'll all fit, but we'll give
it a try. They can have the Los Angeles Dodgers, too.
Of course, we'll need a leader for our new country. I'd
offer my services, but I tend to fall asleep in those boring policy
meetings, so I'm out. But we've got 7,382,000 non-Trump voters in
California, 1,155,000 in Oregon and 2,093,000 in Washington. We'll find
someone.
Imagine the joy and jubilation that will pervade in Hopadopolis.
We'll be the Switzerland of the Western Hemisphere, and we'll still be the
5th largest economy in the world. Add Oregon and Washington, and 4th place
could be just around the corner.
So no, I'm not bitter. As they say, when you're offered a
lemon, turn it into lemonade. And I wish nothing but the best for what will
remain of the United States of America. Hopadopolis will always be a staunch
ally of our Eastern neighbors. We get along with everyone.
So there you have it, dear readers. I don't pretend to
understand why the election turned out the way it did, and I suppose I never
will. But as noted, the people have made their choice and I dutifully accept
the results.
I'm just invoking that old playground axiom when you lose and
you're not happy about it---I'm taking my ball and going home to Hopadopolis.
Can't blame me for that.
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