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DON'T FIX IT IF
IT'S NOT BROKEN |
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Scene: Christmas evening, 2025, eight months from now.
I'm sitting by the fireplace with two of my grandchildren, 10-year-old
Little Sophie, and 12-year-old Little Tommy. They are not happy.
Little Tommy: This was the worst Christmas ever. I
didn't get anything I wanted.
Little Sophie: Yeah, all I wanted was the new Barbie
doll. It didn't seem like much to ask.
Me: Now, now, kids. You know we're in the middle of a
glorious trade war with China, and everything you like comes from there.
We have to make sacrifices. Play with your old one-arm doll, Sophie, just
like President Trump told you to. You don't need another one.
Little Tommy: Why are we in a trade war with China,
Grandpa?
Me: (tousling his hair) That's a good question, Little
Tommy. It's because we import $439 billion from China and we export only
$143 billion.
Little Sophie: So what?
Me: Well, President Trump says that's unfair and China
is taking advantage of us.
Little Tommy: I read that nothing is coming in anymore
and companies are going out of business and there's empty shelves and
longshoremen are out of work and prices are skyrocketing.
Me: You're a precocious little 12-year-old, aren't
you, Little Tommy? Well, it's all going to get better when everyone starts
building factories in America.
Little Sophie: When are they going to build a Barbie
factory, Grandpa?
Little Tommy: Don't be stupid, Sophie. No one is going
to build a Barbie factory. Warren Buffett said "We should do what we
do best and they should do what they do best. Trade should not be a
weapon."
Me: (shocked) Little Tommy, where are you learning all
this left-wing propaganda? We'll never make America great again with talk
like that!
Little Sophie: Why can't Warren Buffett be President?
He sounds pretty smart.
Me: President Trump is smart, too. He has a plan.
Little Tommy: My daddy says he doesn't have a plan. He says
President Trump is a stupid, idiotic, cruel, narcissistic bully.
Me: (chuckling) Oh, Little Tommy, your daddy has TDS,
or Trump Derangement Syndrome. It's fairly common these days.
Little Tommy: My daddy also always told me, "If
it's not broken, don't fix it." We always had toys to buy and
everything seemed fine. Now everything is a mess.
Me: Well, yes, but China is suffering even more than
we are. Their factories are all closing because of their lost business.
President Trump promised that would happen.
Little Sophie: (clutching her one-armed doll, which
she had fetched). Why does anyone have to suffer?
Me: Because we need to teach China a lesson so they
won't take advantage of us anymore. We're not even shipping them our
soybeans from our farmers.
Little Tommy: That's because they're fighting our 145%
tariff with a 125% tariff of their own so now we're stuck with the $12.6
billion in soybeans we exported to them in 2024.
Me: You need to stop reading so much, you little twit.
They'll buckle under once they run out of soybeans.
Little Tommy: I read that they're just buying their soybeans
from Brazil instead.
Little Sophie: (clutching a leg that just fell off her
old doll) Why can't I get my Barbie doll from Brazil?
Little Tommy: Because only China can make Barbie dolls
so inexpensively. That's what they do best.
Me: I don't know what to do with you kids. Neither one
of you seem to appreciate that we now have enough soybeans to feed tofu to
every citizen in this great country of ours for years to come. And someday
soon, I'm sure we'll have our very own Barbie factory.
Little Tommy: (smirking at his sister) Yeah, and you
can buy one for about $300 in seven years or so when someone is stupid
enough to build a factory.
Little Sophie: (starting to cry) I'm only ten years
old. Is it possible I have Trump Derangement Syndrome?
Little Tommy: I know I've got it. You don't have to be
all grown up to know a goofy idea when you see it. How about you,
Grandpa? Do you think you might have TDS?
Me: (handing him a plate of tofu) Shut up and eat your
soybeans, kid. |
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