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MAYBE A LITTLE FEAR
ISN'T SO BAD
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"I've got a New Year's resolution," I eagerly said to
my wife on New Year's Day."
"Let me guess," she replied. "You're finally
going to lose the five pounds you've been trying to lose for 35 years."
"That's one of them. But I've got another resolution that
I'm determined to keep. I've decided I'm not going to be scared of you
anymore."
That got a reaction. "Since when have you been scared of
me? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."
"I did an informal poll of family and friends," I
said. "75% of men admit they're scared of their wives. I'm now joining
the 25%."
She wasn't buying it, although it was pretty clear she wanted
to. The idea of her big, strong man being scared of her wasn't entirely
disappointing.
I decided to fill her in on my reasoning. "It all stems
from the 'Happy Wife, Happy Life' mantra that came around in the 70's,"
I explained. "Men were terrified of making their wife unhappy and
therefore ruining their life as well."
My explanation wasn't making her happy, but that was okay. She
didn't scare me anymore.
"You are a relic," she said, trying unsuccessfully to
dismiss me. "Happy Wife, Happy Life is one of the most sexist,
demeaning, misogynistic slogans you could possibly use. Things have
changed."
"Exactly my point!" I cried. "I'm agreeing with
you! My happiness is every bit as important as yours!"
I let her know what I'd learned. In the 70's researchers had
observed the communication between couples and determined that women's
behavior and happiness was more indicative of the health of the
relationship, leading to men being scared to upset them.
We just didn't always show it. We'd hide our fears and
vulnerabilities because we were always taught real men don't get scared. And
real men certainly don't admit it.
Well, I just did. But now that I've become a man of the 21st
century, I'm changing my tune. No longer will I live in fear of upsetting
her. Happy Wife, Happy Life is ancient history.
If there was any doubt, a University of Alberta study put it to
rest. A 2022 analysis of more than 50,000 relationships showed that men's
and women's happiness levels were equally strong predictors of their own and
their partner's short and long-term happiness.
"They had to hear from 50,000 couples before they could
figure that out?" my wife said after I announced the findings. "I
could have saved them the trouble."
"It does seem kind of obvious," I answered. "I
guess they couldn't just come out and say 'Happy Wife, Happy Life' was
bogus. They had to have some kind of study to refer to."
My wife was silent for a few moments. Because I'm so in tune
with her feelings, I knew she was thinking.
"I know you have your New Year's resolution to not be
scared of me anymore, but I think I should be honest. I kind of liked
hearing that you were scared of me."
"Too bad," I replied in my manliest voice. "My
happiness is equally important to yours. I no longer will live in fear of
upsetting you. I'll always try to make you happy, but I won't be scared to
fail."
I could tell she was getting less happy by the moment, but it
didn't scare me. We were equal partners. All would be good in the end.
Suddenly, she brightened slightly. "Okay, then I won't be
scared of upsetting you, either."
"Are you suggesting you're scared of me, too?"
"Maybe a little," she replied. "I want you to be
happy, too, and I don't want to be the reason you wouldn't be."
This was interesting. I could see why she got a little jolt
knowing I was scared of her. I felt the same. I guess it meant she cared.
Then it dawned on me. Maybe being a little scared of your
partner isn't such a bad thing after all. Maybe it was a sign of something
more. As long as it worked both ways.
We talked about it a little more and came to an agreement. As
usual, my New Year's resolution was kaput. That night, as we climbed into
bed, we kissed goodnight and uttered our new term of endearment.
"I'm scared of you."
"I'm scared of you, too."
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