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ANSWERING QUESTIONS
WITH A QUESTION |
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It's time for another installment of that fascinating
series,"Ask Mr. Manners," where Mr. Manners helps social retards
(yes, that word is now acceptable, at least for the next 3 1/2 years)
navigate the complexities of actually dealing with other people.
Dear Mr. Manners: I play a fair amount of golf, and
sometimes a friend brings along a buddy I've never met. By the end of our
4 1/2 hour round, I know everything about this guy---where he lives, what
he does, how many kids, where his kids live, what his kids do, and
sometimes even his politics. And after 4 1/2 hours, he knows nothing about
me BECAUSE HE NEVER ASKED A QUESTION! This happens to me a lot, and not
only on a golf course. Is it me?
Signed, Nick from wherever
Dear Nick from wherever: No, it's not you. These
people are more prevalent than you might think. In fact, they drive Mr.
Manners bonkers. They suffer from a condition called "Don'tgiveashitaphobia,"
commonly known as a fear of asking questions.
Naturally, it would seem reasonable to you and other social
stalwarts that if you ask a person where they live they would reciprocate
by asking you where you live. That makes sense to, by Mr. Manner's
estimate, 80% of the adult population. However, it's the remaining 20%,
many of whom are reading this column, who are clueless.
A few of them are narcissists, whose idea of a conversation
is talking about themselves for 20 minutes and then saying, "That's
enough about me---what do you think of me?" But those people are
rare, and usually busy in the political world. Most people with "Don'tgiveashitaphobia"
are actually good, solid citizens who simply don't understand the simple
rules of social interaction.
Mr. Manners is on a campaign to restore this basic social
trait to all people and therefore contribute an invaluable tool to all
humanity, and specifically to the 20% who have not yet figured it out.
And let Mr. Manners be clear. Mr. Manners understands that
some people are shy and perhaps nervous about initially asking questions
about you. They don't want to seem as if they're prying into your personal
life. Mr. Manners understands and appreciates their cluelessness.
It's this conversation that drives Mr. Manners crazy:
Mr. Manners: So where do you live?
Social retard: Philadelphia
(silence)
Mr. Manners: So what do you do for a living?
Social retard: (long, detailed answer, with 17 follow
up questions from Mr. Manners. Followed by:)
(silence)
Mr. Manners: ASK ME WHERE I LIVE AND WHAT I DO, YOU
IGNORANT TWIT!
Of course, Mr. Manners would never say something like that.
But Mr. Manners is thinking those thoughts as Mr. Manners continues to ask
questions to keep the conversation going.
A little reciprocity is all Mr. Manners is asking. It's not
that hard. Mr. Manners actually doesn't like talking about himself---Mr.
Manners just needs some help in keeping the conversation going. And it is
nice to think someone has at least a faint interest in Mr. Manners life.
So, Nick from wherever, please don't fret. You're not the
boring, uninteresting dweeb that these 20% make you feel like. Remember,
the 80% care, or at least pretend to care, where you live and what you do.
The 20% are just shy and clueless. Or perhaps they dislike
small talk and are more comfortable talking about more stimulating topics
than you.
For example, Mr. Manners fondly remembers an old friend who
passed away a few years ago. He was smart as a whip and loved philosophy.
And Mr. Manners loved him dearly, even though he seldom if ever asked a
personal question. He'd rather talk about Plato or politics.
It's too late to help him see the benefit of asking personal
questions, but the 20% still living are fair game.
Let's keep working on them, and maybe someday they'll figure
it out.
Perhaps this column will help some of them see the light. If
so, Mr. Manners will go to his grave knowing he saved a small slice of
humanity.
It's so, so simple. Ultimately, answer a question with a
question. Reciprocity is a beautiful thing. |
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