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FIND A MANTRA
AND LOSE SOME WEIGHT
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I'm now in the 37th year of my lightning campaign to lose five
pounds and I'm pleased to announce, after 37 years of failure, that I've
made some adjustments.
I now need to lose 10 pounds.
This is a huge change, and will definitely prompt me, once and
for all, to lose those pesky pounds. I couldn't wait to tell my wife, who
would be thrilled to know that I finally had the resolve to get back to the
chiseled specimen she once knew.
"Do you know you've said that about 50 times over the
years," she replied when I told her I was determined to do it.
"I'll believe it when I see it."
"I mean it this time. I accidentally saw myself in the
mirror standing sideways and I was not happy about it. My campaign to
lose five pounds is over. Now it's 10 pounds or bust."
It was clear I was not going to get a lot of support from her.
37 years of failure will do that to people. But this time was different.
"I have a new mantra," I announced. "I plan on
saying it over and over every time I see food."
"And what might that be?" she asked, despite having
no interest in the answer.
"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels," I proudly
said.
"I have two questions," she responded. "One, how
would you know? And two, where did you hear that?"
"I was skinny for a long time in my 20's and it felt
great, certainly a lot better than seeing my belly in the mirror," I
said. "And the mantra comes from the British model Kate Moss, if you
really need to know."
She wasn't impressed. "Kate Moss was practically anorexic.
I'm not sure she's the right person to be giving weight advice."
She was right, as usual. Kate Moss took a lot of heat for
saying 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' when she said it in an
interview in 2009. Critics saw it as an endorsement of eating disorders. She
has since said that she regretted ever mentioning it.
But since I clearly don't have any eating disorders, other than
overeating, I was going with it. And I am certain it will be the impetus to
lose those 10 pounds that have found a very temporary home in my belly.
Last Thursday was my first night with my new mantra. I came
home and craved my usual beer and hors d'oeuvres, which is probably the main
reason I need to lose 10 pounds. I grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator
and drank it without anything to eat.
"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels," I said to
my wife when she shockingly noticed I wasn't having any appetizers before
dinner.
"What about the beer?"
"Have you ever heard of baby steps?" I replied.
"First I work on the food angle, then I'll move on to alcohol."
We finished a healthy dinner and then sat down to watch an
episode of something or other. This is when I usually have my milk and
cookies for dessert, which ends another day of overeating.
"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels," I said as I
came back from the kitchen with nothing in my hand. "This is
working beautifully."
I really wanted those cookies, but I now thought of food as
nothing but sustenance. I didn't need those cookies to sustain me through
the night. I wanted them because they tasted good, but not as good as skinny
feels.
My wife, who has never had to lose weight in her entire life,
was still skeptical. She had seen me go on hundreds of diets, only to see me
celebrate once I had lost a few pounds, thereby gaining them right back.
"Nice job," she said at the end of the night.
"Cut out the beer and you're on your way."
It's now five days since I began my new mantra. I haven't
weighed myself, but I'm pretty sure I've lost a couple of pounds. I would
like to thank Kate Moss for her inspirational message and also assure her
that I will never be anorexic.
I have, though, altered her mantra slightly. I now chant,
"Nothing, except beer, popcorn, cookies and bacon, especially bacon,
tastes better than skinny feels." Could be a problem.
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