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THE SCALE TO BEAT
ALL SCALES
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I am delighted to announce that I have devised an instrument
that will allow all of us to help navigate this global pandemic that has
been such a disruption to our lives.
I thought about being humble, but that didn't stop Charles
Richter when he invented the Richter Scale, or Daniel Fahrenheit when he
invented temperature. Therefore, at the risk of universal ridicule, I am
unveiling the Hoppe (that's Hoppe, not Happy) Scale.
The Hoppe Scale is designed to determine the Comfort Level (or
some may call it the Fear Factor) of every human being on this planet when
considering the possibilities of contracting COVID-19. I will explain the
benefits of my system in due time, but first it is necessary to pinpoint
everyone's Comfort Level.
So here it is. Please remember that like the Richter Scale, my
scale allows variations. For example, you can be a 1.1, or a 2.3, or a 3.7
or a 4.9. And it is entirely non-judgmental. Everyone has their reasons for
feeling the way they do, and the Hoppe Scale looks the other way. This is
science. Sort of.
LEVEL FIVE: The ultimate hermit. Hasn't left the house
since March 16th and probably won't be seen until 2022. Deliveries are to
the doorstep, and either left there for two days for the virus to dissipate,
or thoroughly sanitized before entering the house. Love their friends and
family members, but consider them all disease-ridden Super Spreaders.
LEVEL FOUR: Leaves the house occasionally, but only for
walks and trips to the grocery store. Scowls at people walking the wrong way
in grocery store aisles. Sometimes wears a mask while driving alone. Might
attend a small social gathering, but will bring their own food and drink.
Hands are usually dry and scaly from washing.
LEVEL THREE: Anything outdoors that allows social
distancing is okay. Wears a mask most of the time outdoors when others are
around, and always indoors (when in public). Will socialize with friends and
family, but feels a little reckless and vulnerable after it's over. Reads
carefully every article that condones their actions. Skims and cringes at
every article that doesn't. Doesn't expect to catch the virus, and is pretty
sure they'll be fine if they do.
LEVEL TWO: Will reluctantly wear a mask indoors, but
seldom wears it outdoors. Thinks most of the rules are ridiculous. Calls
COVID-19 a "stinkin' flu." Will socialize with anyone, as long as
they're not coughing or sneezing in their face. Pretty sure they have
antibodies that will protect them. If not, their immaculate immune system
will do the trick.
LEVEL ONE: Totally invincible. Thinks the crisis is
completely overblown. Has no fear. Would attend a COVID-19 party, where the
first one to catch the virus wins. Thinks the virus came from drinking
Corona beer. Masks are for weenies. Wears one only when forced to, and
voices their displeasure, quite often rudely.
That's about it for the Hoppe Scale. It may sound simple, but
at least an hour's thought went into it. And once everyone has determined
their level, the benefits are endless.
Imagine this scenario:
Daughter: Mom, would you like to join us for my birthday next
weekend?
Mother: You know I'm a 4.2 on the Hoppe Scale. Could you
remind me of your level?
Daughter: I'm up to a 3.5, but your son-in-law is
hanging firm at a 2.7, I'm afraid. But we're inviting a couple of 3.9's,
also. What do you think?
Mother: If I was a 3.5, I'd consider it. But being a 4.2, I'm
sorry to say I'm out. And so is your father, since he lives with me. Happy
Birthday, dear.
Or how about dating sites:
I'm 36, tall, athletic, and like to go on long walks and
enjoy nature. Most importantly, I'm a 4.3 on the Hoppe Scale. Looking for
anyone 3.7 or higher. I don't really care about anything else.
Or this:
Friend #1: Dude, what do you say I pick you up in my car and
we cruise down to the beach and pick up some babes.
Friend #2: Sounds good to me. You still a 1.3 on the Hoppe
Scale?
Friend #1: Hell, yeah! You?
Friend#2: Just dropped to a 1.2, baby!! LET'S GOOOOOO!!!
No longer will there be uncertainty in life. Ask everyone their
level, and get an answer. Then decide if you want anything to do with them.
Unlike the Richter Scale, the name of the Hoppe Scale may not
last. But the concept will, at least until we get through this mess.
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