|
| |
|
CUT, CUT, AND THEN
CUT SOME MORE
|
|
I walked into my office at work the other morning, sledgehammer
in hand. I was going to bring a chainsaw, but figured I'd accidentally cut
off one of my extremities if my enthusiasm got out of hand.
"Everyone into the conference room!" I shouted down
the hall. "Heads are going to roll!"
I'm the founder and President of a company that owns
restaurants and retail stores throughout California. I've owned the company
for over 45 years, and I've decided it's time to eliminate waste, just like
the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) is doing.
"It's time all of you justified your existence," I
said once the office staff had piled into the room. I pointed to a lovely
young woman seated to my right. "I'll start with you, young lady."
She wasn't happy about being the first to be singled out, but
she replied, anyway. "Well, does it help that I'm your daughter?"
"Absolutely not!" I cried. "There is no room for
compassion when eliminating waste. DOGE cut all funding to starving children
in Africa, for example. Being part of the family is no excuse!"
"At least you're investigating the situation before making
blanket cuts," she said, avoiding trying to justify her existence.
"That makes more sense than what Musk is doing."
I slammed my sledgehammer into the ground, shaking the room.
"Wrong! I've already decided to blindly and indiscriminately cut our
Accounts Payable and Human Resource departments by 40%. We've wasted money
for too long!"
Hilda from Accounts Payable meekly raised her hand and I
reluctantly called on her. "I've worked here for 25 years," she
whimpered. "Does that count for anything?"
"Absolutely not!" I thundered. "If you're a
waste, you're a waste. I'm sure we'll survive without you."
"But bills won't get paid on time if we cut our AP staff
by 40%. We'll fall far behind."
Just like Elon, I couldn't care less. "They'll still get
paid---eventually. The only thing that matters is eliminating waste."
"What about HR?" asked Eugene, who liked to think of
himself as the employee's friend and protector. "If you cut 40% we
won't be able to respond to all the employee's questions and needs."
"The veterans of our great country won't get the support
they once had, either," I happily responded, noting the ruthless firing
of 80,000 people at the Department of Veterans Affairs. "But the
government will save money, and so will we when we cut our Human Resources
budget."
"Besides," I added. "With the current trend I'm
pretty sure labor laws will become virtually obsolete. We won't need HR
anymore. You'll be history."
There were no more questions. I simply channeled my inner Elon
and demanded everyone write a one-page treatise justifying their existence
and have it on my desk by the end of the day.
I noticed morale seemed low, so I humbly announced that I would
do the same. As a top executive, I felt it only fair to participate with the
minions.
Like Elon and Donald, I was convinced I was doing the right
thing. If there's one thing everyone agrees on, whether Democrat or
Republican or Independent, it's that eliminating waste is a good thing.
Millions of people losing their jobs, their
careers---unfortunate casualties. Children starving and dying from untreated
diseases in Africa because of cuts to USAID---sad but apparently necessary,
according to Elon and Donald. America's deteriorating reputation all over
the world---inevitable.
Gotta cut that waste. Cut first, ask questions later.
Eliminate all those exorbitant costs and government spending comes down,
along with all the wealthy people's taxes. What could be wrong with that
scenario?
So that's why I came storming into the office the other morning
with my sledgehammer. Blanket firings were all the rage, and I wanted in on
the party.
After everyone left the meeting, I sat down and wrote my
one-page treatise justifying my existence. I then placed it on my desk and
waited for the others to pour in.
I reviewed them all at the end of the day. Sure enough, I found
some waste and took immediate steps to eliminate it.
I just hope I can find another job at my age.
|
|
|
