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GOLDILOCKS NEVER
HAD THIS PROBLEM |
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I woke up last Sunday morning and was told it's time to buy a
new mattress.
"What's wrong with this one?" I asked. "It works for
me, and it cost a fortune when we bought it 15 years ago."
My wife quickly did the math. Apparently it was longer than 15
years ago. I'd rather not say how much longer. It's kind of embarrassing.
I wasn't about to give up, though. I quickly checked the
internet for the signs to replace a mattress:
1. Your mattress is sagging. (I'm sagging, but the mattress is
fine)
2. Your mattress makes a lot of noise. (Not so much these days)
3. Your mattress has a bad smell. (Even I would notice that)
4. Your mattress aggravates your allergies. (That's ridiculous)
5. You wake up in pain. (Got me there, but it's not the mattress'
fault)
6. You can't get comfortable. (I'm very comfortable while sleeping)
7. You sleep better on a different mattress. (There's no place like
home)
"We're 0 for 7 on mattress replacement reasons," I
announced. "Looks like the old girl has a few more years in
her."
"It also says you should replace your mattress every six or
seven years," my wife replied as she reported the findings from her
phone. "We're a couple of decades overdue."
Another battle lost. Off we went to the mattress store that very
afternoon.
Jared the salesman attacked us as soon as we walked in the door. He
led us right to the showroom, and we spent the next 20 minutes lying on
different mattresses, attempting to determine whether we liked soft,
medium or firm.
"I like them all," I announced after my seventh test.
"So I guess we should take the medium."
Like me, my wife also had no clue as to what felt best. We
did decide we didn't like the foam mattresses and preferred the coils.
That was something. Other than that, we just went the Goldilocks
route---not too hot, not too cold.
"Excellent choice!" exclaimed Jared, pointing to the
medium one we liked. "That's what I sleep on and I love it."
Suddenly, it seemed like he straightened up, exaggerating his
posture. Clearly, this bed worked wonders.
"Now let's look at the adjustable bases," he said,
walking ramrod straight to another section of the showroom.
Neither one of us knew adjustable bases existed for the home. We'd
seen them in hospitals, and we certainly weren't in a hurry to feel like
we were in a hospital.
Jared had other ideas. We laid down on another mattress which had
an adjustable base and Jared went to work with his remote control. He
tilted the back up for reading, tilted the legs up for blood flow, and
then turned on the massage element.
My wife and I looked at each other. Neither one of us could believe
we slept on box springs for the last 60+ years. This was pretty cool.
Jared could tell he was close to hooking us. He just needed the
closer. "If you get the Tempur-Ergo Smart Base model, it will detect
the sounds of snoring and automatically adjust the level of the head to
help open the airwaves."
"SOLD!!" my wife shouted.
I sensed trouble, especially when Jared told us we could get a
split base (two twin XL bases) where each side could be individually
adjusted.
"How quickly does it adjust?" I cautiously asked, looking
at my wife."Any chance I could be catapulted out of the bed?"
"It's pretty subtle," he responded. "You don't need
to worry---much."
I was worried. Jared walked away, telling us he would give us some
time to think about it. So we lay on the bed and fiddled with the remote
control, raising, lowering, and massaging.
We were indeed sold. Box springs were relics. We were moving on.
The only question was whether to get the split base or go with the all in
one model, where we could argue every night about whether to raise or
lower it when one was reading and the other was ready to sleep.
"We'll have to buy all new sheets if we get the split
model," my wife said, testing me.
I wasn't falling for it. "There's also that crack in the
middle where it splits," I answered. "Very uncomfortable when
you slide over."
"Or when you slide over," she continued, both of us
ignoring the fact that we'd always preferred the biggest bed we could
find, the California King. If there was a North American King, we'd get
it.
I looked at the price sheet. "The split model is $1000 more,
too."
Decision made. We were going for the all in one, togetherness
all the way. We made a pact that whoever wants the head lowered first gets
priority. No discussion, no arguing.
The bed arrives in a couple of weeks. We'll see how long that pact
lasts. I'm guessing three nights.
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