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WHEN THE MONEY
STARTS ROLLING IN
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So far, and I'm trying hard, there are only two positives I've
determined about turning 70, which I accomplished a few months ago:
1) I no longer feel as guilty about not going to work every
day, or sometimes every week. Instead of agonizing about not being
productive, I take solace in telling myself I'm 70 frigging years old and
deserve some time off. A lot of time off.
2) Social Security.
One begets the other. Like many people, I've worked all
my life, and paid generously into the Social Security coffers. I'd get my
periodic statement, and it would show my earnings throughout the years and
the benefits that would be waiting for me right before I croak.
That's the way it felt, anyway. It was always so far in the
future that I hardly gave it any attention. And then, SURPRISE! I turned 70
and it was time to reap my rewards.
While it's true you can receive benefits anytime after age 62,
it's best to wait until the age of 70 to receive the maximum. I was raring
to go.
"You're lucky you're married to such an old fart," I
told my wife after I submitted my application when I turned 70 in June.
"You're going to be rich."
She was still in her loser 60's and wasn't getting anything.
But she brightened when I explained that she would receive my full benefits
even if I were to drop dead.
"No reduction?" she exclaimed, rubbing her greedy
little hands. "That will help ease the pain of your passing."
I wasn't offended, since it worked both ways. I'd just have to
hold off from dying for a couple of years until she reached the historic
milestone and I could share in her bounty. That's how marriages work.
I sent in my application in June and eagerly waited for the
first check to pour in. Which it didn't.
I checked my account at www.ssa.gov and it said my application
was under review. This could take up to 30 days.
"What are they looking for?" I cried to my wife as
July rolled into August and nothing came in. "They sent me statements
for 50 years and NOW they're checking??!!"
"The wheels of government are not known for speed,"
she replied. "Maybe they smell a rat."
"I paid the system big bucks! I WANT MY MONEY!"
Finally, at the end of August, I checked the website and it
reluctantly said I was approved, 70 days after I submitted my application.
But I took solace when they noted my first payment would include all months
from my birthday in June. We're talking BONANZA!
I patiently waited for that big, fat, first check to arrive in
the mail. When it didn't, I checked the website and my account again.
Apparently, it was a direct deposit into my bank account.
That was fine, except I didn't remember them asking or me
giving them any bank information. It apparently was deposited to someone's
account on September 11th, just not mine. I made someone very happy.
"Good news and bad news," I told my wife when I found
out. "The money was sent, but not to us."
I don't know how, but they apparently got the right bank, and
who knows what account. I'm in the process of straightening it out, and I
have little doubt I will. The government never makes mistakes. I should get
someone on a phone line by December.
Meanwhile, while I scramble to find the past deposit, future
payments will go straight into my account. My wife and I started thinking
about all the things we could buy and the places we could go with the added
income.
That's when I found out Social Security benefits are
taxable.
"I CALL BULLSHIT!" I cried when an accountant friend
told me the news. "How can you tax retirement benefits that you paid
for in the first place?"
"If you file a joint return and your income is more than
$44,000, 85% of your benefits are taxable," he replied. "The
good news for some people is that if you have no other income besides Social
Security you won't pay any tax."
Interesting. And even more news. Social Security benefits are
only taxed at the federal level. No state taxes are due. Yet.
Oh, well. 100% of nothing is nothing. When you turn 70, you
take what you can get.
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