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LIKE THEY SAY,
KEEP IT SIMPLE
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My wife came home the other day complaining about a stomach
ache. She didn't appreciate my reaction. Instead of sympathy, I was just
nodding my head in appreciation.
"It hurts," she said, holding her tummy. "You're
acting as though it's to be expected."
Exactly. After my recent hip replacement and subsequent back
surgery, I've naturally been thinking a lot about the human body. And after
doing some research, I've come to an inescapable conclusion---we have too
many body parts.
"Of course your tummy hurts from time to time, " I
patiently explained. "You have about 15 feet of small intestines and
five feet of large intestines in your little body. It's bound to get
irritated occasionally."
She wasn't impressed. But when I told her she had 60,000 miles
of blood vessels inside her body, well, she began to change her tune.
"60,000 miles!" she exclaimed. "Now that's
impressive."
"Yep," I continued. "Lay your little
capillaries, along with the larger arteries and veins, end to end and it
will reach more than twice the distance around the world. That's got to make
you feel like a big shot."
Her stomach ache was getting a little worse. As noted, that
wasn't surprising, considering there were 60,000 miles of blood vessels and
approximately 20 feet of intestines coursing through her body.
"Is there some reason you've been researching this
information," she asked.
"I'm glad you asked. Yes, I happened to be wondering why
my body was falling apart, and after my extensive research, it was pretty
clear. We're far too complicated."
I went on to explain that we had 206 bones in our body and over
600 muscles. Is it any wonder that a percentage of them would malfunction
over time?
"I replaced my right hip," I said, "and then
fused the lower vertebrae in my back. I'd be happy about the success, but
the problem is that I've still got about 203 bones left to replace. That's
not good."
She was still trying to figure out how 60,000 miles of anything could
be inside her body. But she paused long enough to ask what I was complaining
about.
"Evolution, that's what," I answered. "I don't
understand why our bodies haven't become more simplified in the last 10,000
years or so. Instead, they seem more complicated."
She seemed mildly interested, which was shocking, so I
continued. "Consider the appendix. It's a useless organ, with no
purpose at all. But it's still there, cluttering up our insides and
occasionally causing problems. Evolution should have eliminated it, along
with about 14 feet of intestines, 30,000 miles of blood vessels, maybe 100
bones and about 250 muscles."
She got up to leave the room, a sure sign that I was about out
of time. "Look at cars," I said, following her. "They've
simplified over time. Carburetors caused problems. Boom---gone. And you can
become a certified mechanic with only six months of training!"
"Compare that with the human body," I continued,
picking up my pace. "Did you know there are a whopping 135 medical
specialties for graduating doctors to pursue? And each one requires a
residency of between three and eight years. Way too complicated!"
She finally turned around. "Maybe in your next life you'll
come back as an amoeba. I think they have only one cell. That might make you
happy."
Interesting. I immediately went back to the other room and
Googled amoebas on my phone. While their life span is technically two days,
they are considered immortal because they divide and prosper indefinitely
before they die. Now we're talking.
My wife wandered in a few minutes later. "Amoebas don't
have it all bad, you know," I said. "They're considered immortal,
probably because they don't have 60,000 miles of blood vessels."
"Your knee is bothering you again, isn't it?"
As usual, she had pinpointed the reason for my whining. I'm
probably due for a knee replacement in the next few years, something an
amoeba never has to worry about.
If and when I get that done, it will leave me with only 202
bones to replace. Like I said, too many body parts.
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