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TAKE THE TEST AND
SEE HOW OLD YOU ARE |
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As I creep up to my 65th birthday in a couple of months, I
can feel the ravages of age begin to take over my life. While some may say
this is inevitable, I'd prefer to stay young forever.
Unfortunately, the signs are everywhere that staying young is
not in the cards. To prove my point, I have come up with the Top Ten
Indicators That You're Becoming An Old Fart.
You're welcome.
Go ahead and see how you score by noting how many of the Top
Ten apply to you. I scored a perfect 10, which means I'm pretty much dead.
But then again, I made up the list, so there may be other indications out
there that don't apply to me. I'd love to hear about them.
Without further ado, here are the Top Ten Indicators That
You're Becoming An Old Fart:
Number 10: You don't get upset when the AARP solicitations
come in the mail.
Remember when you turned 50 and they had the gall to send
their membership applications and discounts to you? It was appalling---you
weren't retired, and you certainly weren't old. But now it makes some
sense, and that's not good.
Number 9: You come home at night, take off your coat....and put on
a sweater.
I was never cold before, and sometimes I'm not even cold now.
But I still often add a sweater, just in case I get cold. It's comforting
and disturbing.
Number 8: You just finished breakfast, and you immediately
start thinking about what you're going to have for lunch.
How sad is that? Meals are quickly becoming the highlight of
a day. I've always liked to eat, but never like this. Lunch trumps
breakfast, dinner trumps lunch. The day just keeps getting better and
better.
Number 7: You can't understand why people might think Joe
Biden is too old to run for President.
Or let's put it another way---you don't want to understand.
Number 6: You check the dates of birth on the obituaries
in the paper, making sure most of them were born before you.
I never did that until the last couple of years, and I cringe
every time I do it. But I do it, and a good day is when everyone who died
is older than me, which is the way it should be.
Number 5: You take pride in your ignorance of most forms
of social media.
Twitter and hashtags, Instagram, Pinterest, whatever---that's
for the young-uns. Email and maybe a little Facebook is enough for us old
codgers.
Number 4: Your level of care for your appearance drops about
30%.
You still care, just not as much. Shave every other day, wear
polos instead of dress shirts, and never wear uncomfortable shoes, no
matter how good they look. Sweatpants can make an occasional appearance,
too.
Number 3: For some inexplicable reason, little things suddenly
need to be organized.
I can still be a slob, but I'm now obsessed with my shampoo, soap,
hand-held mirror and razor being in the exact same configuration in the
shower. Makes zero sense, other than making me feel old.
Number 2: You have nothing else to do, but when you're offered
free tickets to a Warriors game, you decline.
Traffic getting to the game, $40 parking, walk to the arena, lines
to get in, $9 hot dogs, $12 beer, herding cattle to get out, traffic going
home---used to be an adventure, now I'd rather watch on television. (Note:
Courtside playoff seats are an exception, in case anyone's got any.)
That leaves only Number 1, which was what prompted me to
think about the rest of these indicators. I noticed it not long ago, when
I was at the grocery store to buy bananas and two cans of dog food. Let me
preface it by noting that I'm in decent shape. I swim, ride a bike and
play tennis and golf. No matter. Old Farts do not discriminate.
So here it is:
Number 1: You're only getting three items at a supermarket, but
you eschew the hand basket and grab a shopping cart, for the simple reason
that you can lean on it while walking through the store.
Yes, I do that, sadly, and that's why I scored a perfect 10
on this test.
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