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CHANGING THE GAME
FOR THE BETTER |
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This is a column about golf, but it's also a column about
life and reducing your anxiety. For all you non-golfers out there, bear
with me. It may not be as bad as you think.
In a nutshell, I intend to revolutionize the game of golf.
I've played the stupid game for many, many years, and it's time for a
change.
Basketball added the three-point line decades ago, and major
league baseball introduced the free runner on second base in extra innings
a few years ago. It's time for golf to step up a bit and enter the modern
era. Therefore, I humbly shall take credit for
introducing the three-foot rule to golf.
As even non-golfers know, the idea of the game is to get the
little ball into the hole with as few strokes as possible. This makes
sense and can even be fun every once in a while, especially when you hit a
majestic 180-yard iron onto the green, or you sink a 23-foot putt.
However, the game can be incredibly frustrating and
irritating, just like life. Duck hook a drive out of bounds, shank an
iron, chunk a chip, blade a sand shot---I can't help you with those
mistakes. You'll just have to accept, like I do, that you sometimes suck
at golf.
But miss a 2 1/2-foot putt? Any doofus could make that shot.
It doesn't take a lot of talent. Hand a putter to a six-year-old and
they'll drain it. No one should ever miss a 2 1/2-foot putt, unless
they're an anxiety ridden bundle of nerves, like I am sometimes.
Let me be clear. I make most of the short putts, maybe 95%.
But those 5% that I miss, especially in crucial situations where the
whopping sum of five dollars might be on the line, well---it basically
ruins my life.
As a result, I have lovingly come up with the three-foot
rule, where you measure the distance from the hole to your ball with your
feet. If, on the third step, your foot brushes any part of the ball, you
can happily kick it away and assume you made the putt. Anything within
three feet of the hole is automatically good. Because it should be.
Brilliant. No longer will a golfer stand over a knee-knocker,
knowing only a pathetic choker could miss such an easy putt. No longer
will there be any controversy over whether to "give" a putt or
not to your opponent.
Better yet, begging for a putt, which I have mastered, will
become obsolete. The bad news is it might hurt sales of my book, "The
Art of Begging," but that's okay. We'll all get our self-esteem back.
There will be no more "gimmes," only "takeys." The
three-foot rule will be set in stone.
If you have small feet, you can recruit the largest shoe size
in your foursome to do the honors. That's only fair, which is what I'm all
about.
Imagine how much more fun the stupid little game would be. No
more berating yourself for failing at something that is ridiculously easy.
No more feeling sorry for your opponent's weak brain when they miss a
two-footer. No more anxiety. Relax and enjoy life.
Miss a putt outside three feet and it's understandable.
Miss a putt inside three feet and you want to kill yourself. Who wants
that?
I realize golf purists will be outraged when my three-foot
rule becomes a worldwide phenomenon. They simply don't
understand the reasoning. Not only will it speed up the game, but it will
make it much more fun. Tough to argue with those reasons.
Most of my golfing partners have already happily adopted my
three-foot rule. There's no more drama, no more begging, and no more
anxiety. We're all happy, and even more so when someone in our foursome
has size 14 shoes.
It may take some time to convince the golf purists, though.
They will claim the three-foot rule is disparaging the grand old game.
They'll want to "putt everything out" or perhaps grudgingly
concede a three-INCH putt. They're clearly brain dead, with little
or no anxiety, which is a huge advantage when playing golf.
It may take some time, but they'll come around. If not,
they're going to be very lonely. |
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