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THERE'S ALWAYS LESSONS
TO BE LEARNED
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From the emails I receive, it seems what readers like most
about this column is that it humorously reflects on the realities of life.
With that in mind, I've got a doozy of a story to tell.
Basically, it starts with my wife thinking she might be having
a heart attack and ends with me winning five dollars on the golf course. In
between, there are lessons to be learned.
The story begins a week ago Sunday, when my incredibly healthy,
vibrant, athletic, non-smoking, organic-eating wife had a severe pain in her
chest while reading the morning paper.
I'm a natural worrier, but I wasn't overly concerned, despite her
cries of anguish. "Heartburn," I deduced, despite having
absolutely no medical expertise. "You always get heartburn."
"This feels different," she said as the pain
persisted. "I need to lie down."
When it continued for another few minutes, I suggested calling
our next door neighbor, who is a retired doctor. My wife readily agreed,
which did make me worry---a little.
By the time our neighbor arrived, stethoscope in hand, the pain
was gone and my wife was 100% back to normal. The whole episode had lasted
about seven minutes.
"I'm sure it's nothing," the retired doctor said in
soothing tones, "but it's always smart to go to the hospital and get
evaluated."
That made sense, especially because we have medical insurance.
So after our neighbor left, my wife said she'd make an appointment for
sometime during the week. Then she left for a hike with a friend and I left
for a Sunday afternoon golf game.
I was in the car when my neighbor called. "Are you on the way to
the hospital?" she asked.
I told her my wife had gone for a hike with a friend, was feeling
fine, and would get checked out this week. Like any responsible doctor, she
wasn't buying it.
"She needs to go now," she insisted. "You should
drive her."
I called my wife and reported the news. And then, let it be
known, I offered to drive her. She graciously said she'd drive herself, and
insisted I go play golf. Well, maybe she didn't insist, but she definitely
didn't object.
So off I went, in one of the dumber spousal moves of all time.
By the time I got to the first tee, my wife had reported via text that her
EKG and X-ray was perfect and she was just awaiting the results of some
blood tests.
"Can you believe my focus?" I said to my friends as I
striped a drive right down the middle of the fairway. "All I can see
are wires protruding from my wife's body. Just being out here with you guys
is a profile in courage!"
As we got to the fourth hole, I courageously risked
banishment from this particular private course by pulling out my cell phone,
which is forbidden. Gallant husband that I am, nothing was going to stop me
from checking on my wife.
"Still there?" I texted.
"The blood test results won't come back for awhile,"
she replied. "I just have to wait here."
Damn. I thought for sure she'd be out of there already. Both of
us were still 99.9% certain she was fine, but I was feeling more guilty by
the moment for not being there, even though she wasn't asking.
On the seventh hole, I stood over a two foot par putt that none
of my playing partners wanted to concede to me, so I pulled the sympathy
card. "MY WIFE'S IN THE HOSPITAL FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE!" I cried.
"THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS GIVE ME THE PUTT!"
The heartless bastards still made me putt it. I don't really
want to talk about whether I made it or not. Let's just say my mind was
elsewhere.
On the 12th hole, I risked expulsion once again by actually
calling her on my cell phone. One of our daughters answered.
"She's still here," she said with a touch of sarcasm.
"And what's left of her loving family is here with her."
Damn. I had no idea it would take so long. I quickly decided to
withdraw my nomination for Husband of the Year. And I told my daughter I was
going to give her any winnings I made from bets on the golf course.
When I called again after the 18th hole, they were on their way
to dinner at a nice restaurant. All tests, as expected, came back normal. I
offered them the $5 I won, but was told I'd need it to buy my own dinner.
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