RESPONDING WITH THE BEST OF THEM
(Posted October 16, 2024)
There are so many ways I can improve the world, and today I will share one of my essential concepts. This one revolves around the art of communication, which I have humbly mastered....

WHEN THE MONEY  STARTS ROLLING IN
(Posted October 2, 2024)
So far, and I'm trying hard, there are only two positives I've determined about turning 70, which I accomplished a few months ago:..

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LIKE YOURSELF
(Posted September 11, 2024)
By my calculations, I am now in the 37th year of my lightning campaign to lose ten pounds. It was once five pounds, but like most wars, there has been an escalation.

PLEASE LET THE NIGHTMARE BE OVER
(Posted August 28, 2024)
I don't often write serious columns, but sometimes I can't control the urge. This is one of those times...

LOVE MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND
(Posted August 7, 2024)
I should have been a marriage counselor. I'm amazingly well versed in finding ways to enrich the marital experience...

SUMMERS AREN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE
(Posted July 24, 2024)
Funderblast Camp, Coastal Camp, Strawberry Camp, M&M Camp, Lagunitas Tennis Camp, Skylandia Camp, Performing Arts Camp...

THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE HAS WORK TO DO
(Posted July 10, 2024)
It was my brother-in-law calling last week. He had just exited a Waymo, the driverless taxis that are now available to anyone in San Francisco...

TOM BRADY SHOULD HAVE TALKED TO ME
(Posted June 26, 2024)
It's hard enough to say it, and even harder to see it in writing. But yes, I turned 70 last week...

HOLDING ON AS LONG AS I CAN
(Posted June 12, 2024)
I'm close, oh so close, to entering the modern era. I came within moments of deciding to cancel my print subscription to the San Francisco Chronicle....

NOT AN EASY DECISION TO MAKE
(Posted May 29, 2024)
When you're headed into the operating room for a complex procedure, it's probably not a good idea to have your surgeon mad at you. But that's the quandary I faced a few weeks ago when I had both of my knees replaced....

DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE, DOUBLE YOUR PAIN
(Posted May 29, 2024)
I haven't written a medical column in a while, so in the interests of all aging, crippled readers I went out and got a double knee replacement last Wednesday. And lived to write about it...

CHANGING THE GAME FOR THE BETTER
(Posted May 1, 2024)
This is a column about golf, but it's also a column about life and reducing your anxiety. For all you non-golfers out there, bear with me. It may not be as bad as you think....

TRULY ENJOYING THE LAST DANCE
(Posted April 10, 2024)
Spring has sprung, and with it comes the occasional wedding. A good friend's son is getting married next week, so it seemed like the opportune time to let my wife know that I will no longer dance with her...

WHEN THE WORLD PASSES YOU BY
(Posted March 27, 2024)
It's not easy being a dinosaur. It can be a little lonely, especially when you're on the verge of extinction...

ANOTHER FUN DAY IN THE SUN
(Posted March 13, 2024)
The older I get, the less I like crowds. But then again, I also try to follow that inspirational slogan about our aging bodies and minds: "Don't let the old man in."

WE CAN ONLY DO WHAT WE CAN
To avoid being morbid, I really try not to read obituaries. I generally just glance at the date the deceased was born, hoping it's earlier than mine, and move on. And, of course, I'll check the name to see if it's someone I knew....

SOMETIMES IT TURNS OUT JUST FINE
(Posted February 28, 2024)
Regular readers of this column might remember that I very reluctantly agreed to let my daughter, son-in-law and their two children move in with my wife and me while they did a major remodel of their home...

MY TEAM DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE
(January 24, 2024)
I've got issues. The good news is I'm not unlike millions of other Americans, male and female. I'm a certified sports fanatic...

OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF WILLPOWER
(Posted January 10, 2024)
After celebrating on New Year's Eve, and showing our newfound youth by staying up until 10:45 instead of our usual 10:00 bedtime, my wife and I woke up on New Year's day and made our customary resolutions....

ALL HAIL THE GREAT ORGANIZERS
(Posted December 20, 2023)
With the holidays in full swing, it's time to give thanks to those that make it happen. They're the unsung heroes who get us off the couch, out of the house, and into the world around us....

SHADOWS OF OUR FORMER SELVES
(Posted December 6, 2023)
Whether you're a sports fan or not, you're most likely familiar with Stephen Curry, the Golden State Warriors baby-faced superstar...

SOMETIMES YOU CAN COME HOME AGAIN
(Posted November 8, 2023)
My wife and I have been empty nesters for about 14 years now. I vividly remember when the last child left home for college. It was so traumatic...

EXPERTS DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS
(Posted October 25, 2023)
I may get a lot of grief over this bold statement, especially from women, but I've decided I'm just going to say it anyway...

THERE'S A REASON IT'S CALLED "FOREIGN"
(Posted October 11, 2023)
Not one to miss a current rage, I announced to my wife a few months ago that we were moving to Portugal....

YOUTH CAN SOMETIMES BE A DISADVANTAGE
(Posted September 27, 2023)
In the interest of having my readers all become financial wizards, I am going to offer some investment advice. Never, ever put your money in a company founded and run by someone under the age of 30...

THE FRIENDLY SKIES DON'T COME CHEAP
(Posted September 13, 2023)
I travel on airplanes a fair amount for both business and pleasure, probably 15-20 flights per year. And I'm beginning to understand that old saying, "If you don't fly first class, your children will."

BIG BROTHER WILL BE WATCHING YOU
(Posted August 30, 2023)
I'm in a quandary. I have found a way to end all crime in America, and I'm not particularly pleased about it....

LIKE THEY SAY, KEEP IT SIMPLE
(Posted August 30, 2023)
My wife came home the other day complaining about a stomach ache. She didn't appreciate my reaction. Instead of sympathy, I was just nodding my head in appreciation...

FIGHTING THE FIGHT WITH WORDS AND FINGERS
(Posted August 2, 2023)
Scene: A hotel ballroom. The annual meeting of The American Bicycle Coalition is taking place....

SEARCHING FOR THE PERFECT MATE
(Posted July 19, 2023)
As my little eyes opened a few mornings ago after a typical restless night's sleep, I watched my wife spring out of bed. No stretching, no yawning---just powering into the day...

INTERESTING WAY TO RUN A BUSINESS
(Posted July 5, 2023)
I'm so out of touch. I've been running a business for 45 years and it's actually been profitable. What an idiot...

TO SAY HELLO, OR NOT TO SAY HELLO
(Posted June 11, 2023)
I've been doing a lot of walking lately, mainly because it's good therapy for the successful back surgery I had three months ago. While that's a good thing, there's always a flip side---unfortunately, the walking is giving me social anxiety...

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL POLICE
(Posted June 7, 2023)
It's not often, but every once in a while I feel the need to get serious. This is one of those times. So I apologize in advance to readers looking for something light-hearted. You'll be sorely disappointed...

BEAUTY IS NEVER EASY TO FIND
(Posted May 24, 2023)
Challenges can be good for the soul. And my soul has taken a bit of a beating since my early 20's, when I first met my wife...

SLEEPING WITH A NEW FRIEND
(Posted May 10, 2023)
I'm sure it's coincidental and has nothing to do with age, but I've been writing quite a bit about medical problems lately. I promise to move on to other subjects in the future, assuming I'm still alive...

INCOMPETENCE CAN COME IN HANDY
(Posted April 26, 2023)
My oldest son and his wife, in their early 30's and pregnant with their first child, didn't think having a baby was enough of a disruption to their lives. So they went ahead and closed escrow last week on a house that is an absolute money pit...

THE WORST NURSE IN THE WORLD
(Posted April 26, 2023)
As many readers know, I had back surgery a few weeks ago to correct a long-standing pain in my right leg. The surgery seems to have been successful, but to no one's surprise, the recovery has been difficult.

THERE'S NO QUIT IN CHRONIC PAIN
(Posted March 29, 2023)
A good friend of mine's 87-year-old widowed father, who lives alone, called her very early on a Saturday morning recently...

TO REMODEL, OR NOT TO REMODEL
(Posted March 8, 2023)
I have lived in the same house for 35 years. The reason I haven't moved is because I love my house. Everything about it suits me just fine...

THE MOST IRRITATING MAN IN THE WORLD
(Posted February 21, 2023)
Everyone should have an alter ego. Clark Kent had Superman, Bruce Wayne had Batman, and I've got Dr. Dice....

ANOTHER GREAT MYSTERY OF LIFE
(Posted February 8, 2023)
I'm fortunate to live near San Francisco Bay, where I overlook a bird sanctuary. At certain times of the year, like the last few weeks, it's an aviary wonderland....

A LIST WE CAN ALL DISAGREE WITH
(Posted January 18, 2023)
For those of us who are in a more advanced stage of life, meaning old farts, it's common to complain about the technological advances of the past 30 years or so...

MAYBE A LITTLE FEAR ISN'T SO BAD
(Posted January 4, 2023)
"I've got a New Year's resolution," I eagerly said to my wife on New Year's Day."...
THE DINNER THAT CHANGED THE WORLD
(Posted December 21, 2022)
Movements can begin in very inopportune places. For example, my JUST SAY NO campaign began a few weeks ago in the sleepy little desert town of Borrego Springs, California....

NOTHING WRONG WITH QUESTIONING TRADITIONS
(Posted December 7, 2022)
It's that time of year again. Whether you're Christian, Hindu, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist or Atheist, you can't escape Christmas. Everywhere you go, it's in your face....

JOINING FORCES WITH THE ENEMY
(Posted November 23, 2022)
There's nothing wrong with a good rivalry. It gets the competitive juices flowing and brings some zip to our lives. That's why I'm a little worried my Cal/Stanford rivalry is in jeopardy....

LUCK CAN WORK BOTH WAYS
(Posted November 9, 2022)
"We're going to be rich!" my wife said when I came home one night last week...

IT'S TIME TO SHORTEN THE TIME
(Posted October 26, 2022)
Since Vladimir Putin seems to be considering blowing up the world, I thought it would be nice to get to know him a little better....

SHE GOES HERE, I GO THERE
(Posted October 12, 2022)
My wife is in southern Spain right now, visiting cathedrals in Seville, a mosque in Cordoba and the Alhambra Palaces in Grenada. I've never been so delighted to not be with her...

IT CAN BE FASHIONABLE TO BE UNFASHIONABLE
(Posted September 28, 2022)
 Look hard enough, and you can always find a bright side to every pandemic. For me, it was not having to dress up...

PATIENCE IS AN UNFORTUNATE VIRTUE
(Posted September 14, 2022)
My car was acting up. The dreaded "Check Engine" light went on and the dashboard said that something catastrophic was sure to happen in the next day or so...

FIND A MANTRA AND LOSE SOME WEIGHT
(Posted August 31, 2022)
I'm now in the 37th year of my lightning campaign to lose five pounds and I'm pleased to announce, after 37 years of failure, that I've made some adjustments...

SUFFERING ALWAYS LIKES SOME COMPANY
(Posted August 17, 2022)
My wife and I have had many battles over the years, but there's always room for one more. We have found it in fighting over who is suffering more from poor sleep habits...

MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR
(Posted August 3, 2022)
I'm very, very concerned. According to the latest polls, 50% of Americans believe that there will be a civil war in our country "within the next several years."

THEY SAY IT ALWAYS BOUNCES BACK
(Posted July 20, 2022)
I came home the other day and there it was, sitting on the kitchen counter, ominously waiting for me to open it. I had no intention of doing so...

IT'S A WHOLE NEW WORLD OUT THERE
(Posted July 6, 2022)
Our five-year old granddaughter graduated from Pre-K a couple of weeks ago. There was an adorable ceremony, where she and her 10 little classmates sang songs and then threw their graduation caps into the air...

DON'T ASK US HOW WE'RE DOING
(Posted June 22, 2022)
If you're under 60, you may not relate to this column quite as much as those over 60. But read on, because it will give you an idea what's in store for you...

GETTING THE MOST OUT OF LIFE
(Posted June 8, 2022)
An old friend of mine died a few weeks ago. And when I say old, I mean old. Ed Osgood was 103 when he passed peacefully in his sleep on May 18th...

GOLDILOCKS NEVER HAD THIS PROBLEM
(Posted May 25, 2022)
I woke up last Sunday morning and was told it's time to buy a new mattress....

SOME DRUGS WORK BETTER THAN OTHERS
(Posted May 11, 2022)
As I write this, I'm flying at 35,000 feet on my way from San Francisco to Nashville for a business trip. I'm sitting in the exit row, where I always try to sit. Extra legroom, and first out in a crash---unless someone pulls that guilt thing and makes me assist some others before bailing...

ANOTHER PROFESSION TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
(Posted April 27, 2022)
A few columns ago I took a pretty good potshot at attorneys. In the interest of fairness, I am now turning my attention to doctors. My poison pen is an equal opportunity slanderer...

ROOTING FOR THE TATTOOLESS
(Posted April 13, 2022)
The March Madness epic semifinal basketball matchup between Duke and North Carolina was about to start a week ago Saturday and I didn't have a favorite. Something needed to be done.

NEVER TOO LATE TO SCREW THINGS UP
(Posted March 30, 2022)
I'm not a huge fan of award shows. I cringe during the acceptance speeches, especially when the recipient starts thanking everyone from their two-year old daughter to their yoga teacher....

FINDING BETTER WAYS TO SPEND MONEY
(Posted March 16, 2022)
"Let's go to a Warriors basketball game at Chase Center," one of my son-in-laws exulted after a few drinks a couple of weeks ago at a family party. "Just the guys---and I'll organize everything."... 

THERE'S A REASON FOR LAWYER JOKES
(Posted March 2, 2022)
What's the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish? One is a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life...

LOSE A PASSION, FIND A PASSION
(Posted February 16, 2022)
I've sunk to a new low. I've taken up Pickleball. For those of you unfamiliar with Pickleball, it's the fastest growing sport in America. It's played on a court about a quarter the size of a tennis court, and it's perfect for old people. And I'm now certifiably old....

THE DIFFERENT WAYS TO PACK FOR A TRIP
(Posted February 16, 2022)
I apologize in advance if this column comes off as being a bit sexist. That's not my intention. Instead, I'm just pointing out that there's a difference between me and my wife, and she happens to be a woman and I happen to be a man. Simple as that....

THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF THE HOPPE SCALE
(Posted January 19, 2022)
Cue the evil music. You know, the deep, dark, pounding of the piano that foretells something very sinister about to happen. And then the voice---as evil as can be, with a dastardly laugh after he delivers the following word: "O......MICRON!!!"...

NOTHING WRONG WITH STAYING AT HOME
(Posted January 5, 2022)
Did you sit at home during the holidays? Did you long for the open road, envying others who were able to get away for a few days? Well, this story ought to erase any jealousies you might have...

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF YEAR
(Posted December 21, 2022)
It's not even Christmas yet (for those of us who celebrate it) but I'm already calling it the best Christmas ever....

LOSE YOUR SCRUPLES AND GET RICH QUICK
(Posted December 8, 2021)
In the interest of making all of my readers rich, I have come across a surefire way to make money in real estate, even if prices stabilize or decrease in the coming years....

A LITTLE BIT BETTER EACH YEAR
(Posted November 14, 2021)
  Scene: Thanksgiving Day, 2030, nine years from now. I'm sitting by the fireplace, warming my tired, decrepit old bones. Dinner is over, tummies are full, and the grandchildren gather around to soak up more wisdom from Grandpa before he croaks...

TWO DIFFERENT WAYS OF HIRING EMPLOYEES
(Posted November 10, 2021)
There's been a lot of discussion lately about the great labor shortage. I own restaurants and retail stores, and I can attest that hiring workers these days is indeed a challenge.

TAKING A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE
(Posted October 27, 2021)
Last Sunday felt like old times. I woke up to the sound of rain pelting our roof. Real rain, just like the old days. And it wasn't going to stop for a while...

FINDING HAPPINESS CAN BE TRICKY
(Posted October 13, 2021)
My wife and I went to a rollicking wedding last weekend in the wine country. The beautiful bride was 70 years old, and the dashing groom was 72....

IN DEFENSE OF SAN FRANCISCO
(Posted September 29, 2021)
Here's a shocker for you. Time Out Group, a worldwide media and entertainment company founded in 1968 and based in London, England, surveyed 27,000 global city dwellers and came out with its annual list of world's best cities to live in...

THE SECRET IS PICKING THE RIGHT WAR
(Posted September 15, 2021)
As I write this, I'm sitting on the deck of the lone house on a two-acre island in the Laurentians, 50 miles north of Montreal, a five-minute speedboat ride from shore....

IT WAS TIME TO COLOR MY WORLD
(Posted September 1, 2021)
My wife put down the morning Chronicle a couple of weeks ago and announced that my longtime disability was a thing of the past....

SOMETIMES IT'S BEST TO HAVE NO CHOICE
(Posted August 18, 2021)
I had a problem. The City of San Francisco, in its infinite wisdom, announced last week that all San Francisco restaurants can only serve vaccinated customers, effective August 20th....

"NEVER AGAIN" NEVER SOUNDED SO GOOD.
(Posted August 4, 2021)
I am here to report that there are advantages to getting old. While there are many disadvantages, such as impending death, I like to focus on the positives...

A LITTLE PARANOIA GOES A LONG WAY
(Posted July 21, 2021)
Always on the lookout for a little extra income, I slid my laptop over to my wife at the kitchen table the other day...

ANARCHY IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA
(Posted July 7, 2021)
In my never-ending search for an issue that almost all of us can agree on, whether you're right-wing or left-wing or center-wing, I am delighted to announce that I have found something....

THE HOPPE SCALE TRIUMPHANTLY RETURNS
(Posted June 23, 2021)
As some readers may remember, I wrote a column last summer introducing the Hoppe Scale, which measured an individual's fear factor related to COVID-19. The detailed scale went from 1.0 (clueless) to 5.0 (hopelessly paranoid)...

WHEN YOUR WORLD GOES TOPSY-TURVY
(Posted June 9, 2021)
Last week was an interesting one. I thought I was dying and my wife almost ran away with the paramedics who came to rescue me....

JUST DON'T CALL ME LATE FOR DINNER
(Posted May 26, 2021)
I've had a problem with names all my life. Now that I'm 66 years old, one would think I would have moved on from worrying about calling people by their first or last names...

THE MOST WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD
(Posted May 12, 2021)
I made some new friends last week. Emma, Karl, Debbie, Rohan, Abdou and Leticia and I are in love. Our friendship will last a lifetime, even though I'll never see them again...

LEARNING ABOUT THE FINANCIAL FUTURE
(Posted April 28, 2021)
My wife was paying bills at the kitchen table the other day when I walked in. It seemed as good a time as any to let her know I had come up with a lucrative investment...

FINDING THE RIGHT FRIENDS IS AN AGE-OLD PROBLEM
(Posted April 14, 2021)
Now that I'm 66 years old and an established senior citizen, it's vitally important to feel as young as possible. With that in mind, and with socializing once again being the norm, I've been thinking about which friends to get rid of, and which friends to keep...

ALTERING THE DICTIONARY ONE WORD AT A TIME
(Posted March 31, 2021)
The pandemic has changed all of us, and sometimes the changes are not so obvious. For instance, little things like the English language can be a problem. With that in mind, I'd like to report that I've discovered a word that I am learning to really dislike....

FIGURING OUT WHAT YOU'RE WORTH
(Posted March 17, 2021)
I came home the other night and immediately asked my wife the question that had been on my mind the entire day. "How much do you think I'm worth by the hour?"...

IT'S TIME TO LOWER THE VOLUME A BIT
(Posted March 3, 2021)
I've got plenty of people on the right mad at me with my anti-Trump columns, so it's only fair I get some people on the left mad at me as well. So here I go.

IT'S TIME TO LOWER THE VOLUME A BIT
(Posted February 24, 2021)
I was buying a Ford, not a Tesla or a Ferrari. So I felt pretty safe when I told the salesman I wanted all the bells and whistles available...

LIFE IS ONE BIG CALCULATED RISK
(Posted February 17, 2021)
I was on the couch last Saturday, not exactly miserable, but certainly not feeling 100%. A slight headache, and maybe a little chilled...

THREE SECRETS TO A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP
(Posted February 10, 2021)
As a certified member of the esteemed group, Worst Sleepers in the World, I feel particularly qualified to offer my three suggestions for a good night's sleep. I finally figured it out...

A SUCKER DOESN'T ALWAYS GET SUCKERED
(Posted February 3, 2021)
Someone has to jumpstart the economy, and it might as well be me. That's why I decided to buy a new car...

SOMETIMES YOU JUST GET LUCKY
(Posted January 27, 2021)
Life isn't fair. If there was ever any doubt, consider the fact that I got my COVID-19 vaccine last week, and so did my wife...

TURNING THOSE FROWNS UPSIDE DOWN
(Posted January 20, 2021)
I'm going to go out on a limb here. I am hereby announcing that we have hit rock bottom. The COVID surge and the events of January 6th at the Capitol dropped us to the proverbial floor...

IT'S TIME TO FADE INTO HISTORY
(Posted January 13, 2021)
One man. It's hard to believe that one man can do so much damage...

THE ARGUMENT TO END ALL ARGUMENTS
(Posted January 6, 2021)
My wife was driving, and I was in the passenger seat last week. That's an unusual scenario for us, but these are unusual times...

MOMMA SAID THERE WOULD BE YEARS LIKE THIS
(Posted December 30, 2020)
I've always loved the week between Christmas and New Year's. Everything slows to a crawl. Many businesses shut down, offices close, and people take time to hang out at home.

IT WILL ONLY BE A MEMORY SOMEDAY
(Posted December 23, 2020)
Scene: Christmas Day, 2030, ten years from now. Dinner is over and I am sitting by the fire, my heart and stomach full. Everyone has left except for two of my fourteen grandchildren (it's been a prolific decade). Little Tommy is nine, and Little Sophie is ten...

THE EARLY BIRD ALWAYS GETS THE WORM
(Posted December 16, 2020)
I was making a list at the kitchen table the other day, and checking it twice. It wasn't going to Santa, though, it was going to my doctor. My wife walked in just as I was finishing...

NOT ALL RESTRICTIONS ARE RESTRICTIVE
(Posted December 09, 2020)
This has been a difficult week in a difficult year. COVID fatigue is getting to all of us. The restrictions on our life are piling up once again, and everyone has an opinion as to which ones are reasonable, and which ones are not reasonable...

KNOWING THAT THE END IS NEAR
(Posted December 2, 2020)
It was about three years ago, when he was eight years old. I was on my usual walk with my German Shepherd granddog, Obie. He raced up a steep hill and came bounding down like he had done dozens of times before.

NOT ALWAYS BEST TO FOLLOW THE LEADER
(Posted November 25, 2020)
I try to stay away from political columns, I really do. But then something comes along that just plain riles me up, and I can't help myself...

A THANKSGIVING DINNER LIKE NO OTHER
(Posted November 18, 2020)
It was not an easy phone call to make, but someone had to do it. The health and welfare of my family was at stake. I also didn't want to go to jail...

AN ELECTION LIKE NO OTHER
(Posted October 28, 2020)
With the most important election of our lifetime less than one week away, I felt compelled to offer my thoughts, because that's what columnists get to do. For those that I offend, I suggest they write their own column. I'll promise to read it...

STANDING THE TEST OF TIME, OR NOT
(Posted October 21, 2020)
Back in April, when everything was shut down and the world was reeling even more than it is now, I gathered my four children and their spouses around me and announced I had a surefire way to cheer everyone up...

YOU'VE GOT TO PICK YOUR FIGHTS
(Posted October 14, 2020)
I've sunk to a new low in this global pandemic. I'm having a fight with a two year old...

HOW I SAVED THE RESTAURANT INDUSTRY
(Posted October 7, 2020)
I was looking for a thrill. I thought about climbing the Himalayas, or perhaps kayaking down a Class Five raging river, but in the end I decided to eat indoors in a San Francisco restaurant...

WHEN TIMES ARE TOUGH, GO BIG
(Posted September 30, 2020)
With fires raging, business plummeting, social interaction waning, and various other maladies affecting my psyche, there was only one thing I could do to bolster my outlook...

NOT THE BEST CAREER THESE DAYS
(Posted September 23, 2020)
For the life of me, I can't understand why anyone would want to be a police officer these days, especially in a large city like San Francisco...

TO MOVE, OR NOT TO MOVE
(Posted September 16, 2020)
I was coming home from work on Monday and had just heard a radio commercial on KCBS advertising a website called leavingbayarea.com. I walked in the door and announced to my wife that we were certified losers....

SOME THINGS JUST TAKE A LITTLE TIME
(Posted September 9, 2020)
Long time readers of this column might remember I wrote about a young man who is very close to our family who surprised all of us in 2016 by joining the army....

POLITICAL VICTORY IS BITTERSWEET
(Posted September 2, 2020)
I did it. Many said it couldn't be done, but I did it. After countless hours and days of political arguments and discussions, I managed to change someone's mind...

A LITTLE ATTITUDE CAN WORK WONDERS
(Posted August 26, 2020)
I was never a huge fan of the Monty Python movie comedies, but I've sure been thinking about one legendary scene lately...

GETTING BACK ON THE SOCIAL CIRCUIT
(Posted August 19, 2020)
Life is all about calculated risks, and my wife and I decided it was time to take one. Tired of hanging with each other, we took the plunge last Saturday and invited some friends over for an outside dinner....

SOMEONE ALWAYS HAS IT TOUGHER
(Posted August 12, 2020)
Is the pandemic getting you down? Are you struggling with social isolation, economic uncertainty and anxiety about dying from COVID-19?...

FINDING A NEW CAREER IS A GOOD BET
(Posted August 5, 2020)
It's not easy being a poster child, but since my business happens to be restaurants and retail stores in tourist areas, it's safe to say that I am the poster child for businesses adversely affected by this pesky pandemic thing....

HANGING OUT WITH  THE RIGHT PEOPLE
(Posted July 29, 2020)
With the surge of coronavirus cases in California, everyone's anxiety level has probably increased a bit, including mine. Consequently, I decided it was an opportune time to increase my safety standards...

WHAT'S LOGIC GOT  TO DO WITH IT?
(Posted July 22, 2020)
I perused the morning news reports yesterday and received the usual barrage of bad stuff. Rising COVID-19 cases throughout the country, hospitals reaching capacity, massive unemployment, Los Angeles mayor threatening to close all non-essential businesses, and much , much more...

DOGS AREN'T WHAT  THEY USED TO BE
(Posted July 15, 2020)
We have a serious problem in this country. Perhaps there are more vexing issues than the one I will be addressing today, but in the interest of discussing something, anything, other than current issues, I'm going with it...

THE SCALE TO BEAT  ALL SCALES
(Posted July 8, 2020)
I am delighted to announce that I have devised an instrument that will allow all of us to help navigate this global pandemic that has been such a disruption to our lives...

THERE'S A REASON  IT'S CALLED 'USED'
(Posted July 1, 2020)
"We're going to be rich!" I exclaimed to my wife as I scanned the lineup of furniture my sons and I had moved to the garage. "Cash will be pouring in soon."

SEARCHING FOR  THE BRIGHT SIDE
(Posted June 24, 2020)
We get two papers every morning, the San Francisco Chronicle and the Marin Independent Journal. On the mornings we’re at the breakfast table at the same time, my wife gets The Chronicle, and I grab the IJ. Then we start perusing....

TURNING A LEMON  INTO LEMONADE
(Posted June 17, 2020)
In a testament to love, perseverance and a no-global-pandemic-is-going-to-mess-up-my-life-spirit, my youngest son married the woman of his dreams last Saturday....

A TRIBUTE TO THE LEADER OF THE BAND
(Posted May 14, 2019)
I grew up around columns. As many readers know, my father, Arthur Hoppe, wrote a column for The Chronicle for almost 50 years. He was a political and social satirist, and along with Herb Caen, Charles McCabe, Stanton Delaplane and others, led a golden age of journalism in San Francisco.

TAKE THE TEST AND SEE HOW OLD YOU ARE (Posted April 30, 2019)
As I creep up to my 65th birthday in a couple of months, I can feel the ravages of age begin to take over my life. While some may say this is inevitable, I'd prefer to stay young forever...

BOY DOGS WILL  BE BOY DOGS
(Posted April 9, 2019)
Columnist's Note: I wrote this many, many years ago when my kids were young. It's about dogs, not people. Needless to say, there's a huge difference. The kingdom of dogs has their own issues. Anyway, it was never published, so I'm running it now....

BASEBALL AND CANADIANS  DON'T ALWAYS MIX
(Posted April 2, 2019)
Most people don't realize how difficult it is to be married to a Canadian, or for a Canadian to be married to me. Adapting to the culture of their newfound land can be uncomfortable and alienating....

NOTHING TO DO BUT WATCH AND OBSERVE
(Posted March 26, 2019)
My oldest daughter just gave birth to our second granddaughter, and it has prompted me to make several observations about the process, which is what columnists are supposed to do...

THE WEATHER DOESN'T BRING EVERYONE TOGETHER
(Posted March 19, 2019)
Spring has sprung. As I write this, the glorious sun is shining and it's a balmy 65 degrees outside. The cold and rainy days that have plagued us for months have finally become a distant memory...

IT'S ALL JUST ONE BIG PUZZLE
(Posted March 12, 2019)
I had to call my daughter, and I didn't have my iPhone with me. Like the relic I am, I had to use our landline, which meant I had to remember her phone number, because there was no speed dial....

ONCE A LIBERAL,  NOT ALWAYS A LIBERAL
(Posted March 5, 2019)
I've always been a fan of moderation. I've always thought of it as a virtue, and tried to teach my children that moderation is a key to leading a happy, healthy life...

THESE GENES HAVE  A STORY TO TELL
(Posted February 26, 2019)
What a lovely way to start the day. I walked into our kitchen about a month ago and was greeted by the sight of my wife spitting into a test tube...

IT'S NOT MUCH FUN  BEING A TARGET
(Posted February 19, 2019)
Want to feel young? Want to feel spry and healthy? Want to feel like you've got life by the horns and nothing can make you let go? Then don't watch the evening news on television...

PROMOTING ENGLISH ONE WORD AT A TIME
(Posted February 12, 2019)
I've been thinking about the English language lately, mainly because it's the only language I know. I've decided it needs a boost, so I've come up with a list of the 10 Most Beautiful Words...

A PHOBIA NOT TO  BE DISCUSSED IN PUBLIC
(Posted January 5, 2019)
I'm saddened to say that I have been diagnosed with Glossophobia. It joins a long list of afflictions that have befuddled me for most of my life, almost all of them self-induced....

LOOKING GOOD FOR  ALL THE WRONG PEOPLE
(Posted January 29, 2019)
With all the troubles going on in our country these days, it seemed time for a total fluff column. So here it is....

TURN OFF THE LIGHTS,  THE PARTY'S OVER
(Posted January 22, 2109)
The rain was pouring down and the wind was howling last Wednesday evening. I was safely weathering the storm in the comfortable confines of my house, watching the evening newscasters discuss the impending PG&E bankruptcy....

TO ROOT AGAINST YOUR COUNTRY, CHAPTER TWO
(Posted January 15, 2019)
As many readers know, my father wrote a column for The Chronicle for almost 50 years. While 95% of his columns were satirical and humorous, he would get serious from time to time, as do I...

FACEBOOK SPIES ARE  EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK
(Posted January 8, 2019)
I am a relative novice when it comes to social media. I don't have a Twitter account, I don't understand why you need hashtags, and I wouldn't know a Snapchat if it struck me in the face...

CHILDREN CAN SOMETIMES  COME IN HANDY
(Posted January 1, 2019)
I remember it vividly. It was about 34 years ago and I was lying on the couch watching a sporting event on television. My first child was about 2 1/2 years old, and she was buzzing around doing things 2 1/2 year olds do....

WISHING EVERYONE A VERY MERRY SOMETHING
(Posted December 25, 2018)
At the rate my children are reproducing, it won't be long before I have a stable of grandchildren who are actually old enough to walk and talk. And when we all gather to celebrate Christmas, like many families are doing today, it will go something like this:

IT CAN BE FUN  TO BE INVISIBLE
(Posted December 18, 2018)
I got attacked by a dermatologist last week. He seemed like a nice fellow, giving me friendly advice about wearing sunscreen, and then he shot me in the face with liquid nitrogen multiple times...

FINALLY, A SUREFIRE WAY  TO LOSE WEIGHT
(Posted December 11, 2018)
I'm proud to announce that I have just entered my 27th year of trying to lose five pounds. Not many fatties have the perseverance to keep trying to lose five pounds, and failing, for 27 consecutive years, but I do....

SHE LEFT THE WORLD  A BETTER PLACE
(Posted December 4, 2018)
The sweetest woman in the world is dying. As I write this, she's lying in her bed in a nursing home 45 miles north of Montreal. Her family, including my wife, is beside her, waiting for her to die...

HOLIDAYS BRING OUT  THE COMPETITION
(Posted November 27, 2018)
Thanksgiving was over. As I said to my wife as the final dishes were washed last Thursday evening, it was no time to relax. The battle continues....

WIN OR LOSE, IT'S  JUST A STUPID GAME
(Posted November 20, 2018)
I love to compete in sports. I grew up playing basketball, moved on to doubles tennis and golf when the body started breaking down, and look forward to competing in my sport of the future---bocce ball.

CHECKING YOUR INBOX IS NOT ALWAYS FUN
(Posted November 13, 2018)
I was checking emails on my iPhone at the breakfast table a couple of weeks ago and was delighted to announce to my wife that she had finally joined an exclusive club...

A PROPOSAL STANDS  THE TEST OF TIME
(Posted November  6, 2018)
If you're reading this, it means my 29 year old son proposed to his longtime girlfriend last weekend. If you're not reading this, it means he chickened out...

TAKING THE PRESIDENCY  TO ANOTHER LEVEL
(Posted October 30, 2018)
In case you haven't noticed, Donald Trump's national approval rating jumped to 44% in a recent Gallup poll, an all-time high....

CHARITABLE GIVING CAN  BE A STRUGGLE
(Posted October 22, 2018)
It was around 6:00 in the evening last Saturday and my wife and I were getting ready to go out. While she delicately slapped on some makeup and fiddled with her hair, I was busy pumping pushups and stretching....

AN INTERESTING START  TO PERUVIAN VACATION
(Posted October 16, 2018)
It's been awhile since I was in sixth grade and wrote an essay on "What I Did On My Vacation." So I figured it's about time I wrote another one, even though no one cared then, and probably no one cares now....

EDUCATION IS ALL  IN THE MIND
(Posted October 9, 2018)
The 5th graders in Ms. Baker's class at Grant Elementary, deep in the heart of Richmond, were listening intently to Mr. T, who was teaching them about mindfulness....

AGING WELL CAN  BE VERY REWARDING
(Posted October 2, 2018)
I have a good friend who is turning 70 this year. He is a prime physical specimen, looking and acting far younger than his years, so I would like to officially nominate him for induction into the Aging Hall Of Fame (AHOF)...

WHEN IN DOUBT, HIRE  THE COMFORT MASTER
(Posted September 25, 2018)
"I have a job for you," my wife said to me as I headed off to work Monday morning. "It won't take long."..

AN INSPIRATION  TO US ALL
(Posted September 18, 2018)
I have a very close relative who is one of my heroes. I think about what she's done, and my heart swells and my admiration grows each day.

THOSE IRRITATIONS  JUST KEEP ON COMING
(Posted September 11, 2018)
Regular readers of this column might remember my rant many months ago about driving irritations. I had about 122 lined up, but narrowed it down to two:..

YOU DON'T ALWAYS  GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR
(Posted September 4, 2018)
I set a new personal record last week. I put my sunglasses to rest after a whopping three years of use. It was an emotional retirement ceremony as I placed them gently into the rear seat pocket compartment of my car. May they rest in peace.

THE REASON IT'S  CALLED COMFORT FOOD
(Posted August 28, 2018)
My grandfather, who died about a million years ago, lived alone for the last few years of his life. I went to visit him shortly before he croaked at the ripe old age of 92....

TWO LANGUAGES ARE  A BRILLIANT WAY TO GO
(Posted August 21, 2018)
I remember it well. I was 20 years old, and I had met my soon-to-be wife while travelling in Greece. She was a French-Canadian from Quebec, and I was a gringo from California....

MORE ADVICE FROM  THE VENERABLE DR. C
(Posted August 21, 2018)
Editor's Note: It's time for yet another installment from our nationally syndicated (in his dreams) advice columnist, that Doctor of Communications himself, well known to his legion of mythical fans as simply Doctor C...

THIS TODDLER HAS  SOME WORK TO DO
(Posted August 7, 2018)
My daughter and son-in-law joined us last weekend for a family get-together in the mountains. Naturally, they brought along our first grandchild, a 14-month old girl....

THIS BRIDGE ONLY GOES ONE WAY
(Posted July 31, 2018)
My wife is aging before my eyes. Not physically, of course, but mentally. She's clearly concerned about the years taking a toll on her brain, because she's taken up bridge....

HAVING CHOICES IS NOT ALWAYS A PLUS
(Posted July 24, 2018)
I know this space gets nauseatingly nostalgic sometimes, so I apologize in advance for doing it again...

POLITICS AND CONSPIRACIES 
ARE AN AWFUL MIX
(Posted July 17, 2018)
It was the 4th of July, and I was at a traditional barbecue with some people, most of whom I knew, and a few I didn't. It was supposed to be festive, but because of politics it became depressive....

WHERE THE WORLD COMES  TO A WONDERFUL HALT
(Posted July 10, 2018)
The internet was down at our house and I couldn't figure out why. I had just finished reading a complicated story about sea level rise and global warming...

ORPHANS FIND FAMILIES WHEREVER THEY CAN
(Posted July 3, 2018)
Like many sport-loving Americans, I'm a little embarrassed about our country. We failed to qualify for the World Cup tournament of soccer, which happens every four years.

AGE IS NOTHING  BUT A LOUSY NUMBER 
(Posted June 26, 2018)
I had a birthday last week. It was no ordinary birthday, nor was it one of those decade birthdays that cause so much angst, like your 40th, 60th or 80th...

FINDING AN ENEMY  IS NOT ALWAYS EASY
(Posted June 19, 2018)
I was reading the morning paper last week and it seemed like an opportune time to tell my wife that we were finished. "Our relationship is over," I announced. "We are no longer friends, let alone lovers."...

LUCKY TO LIVE  WHERE WE LIVE
(Posted June 12, 2018)
I am a weather wimp. Born and raised in San Francisco, I have lived all my life in a moderate climate, not too hot, not too cold. And after spending a tortuous (for weather wimps) eight days in the deep South last week, I appreciate it more than ever...

BREAKING UP  IS HARD TO DO
(Posted June 5, 2018)
It's always devastating when a couple breaks up, and it's even more devastating when it's completely one-sided. Add the dimension of a third person, and it's a recipe for disaster...

IT'S A FACE I'LL  NEVER REMEMBER
(Posted May 29, 2018)
I am facially challenged. While some may think that pertains to my own face, it does not. My face may have challenges, but that's not what I'm talking about....

IN DEFENSE OF GOVERNMENT INTERFERENCE
(Posted May 22, 2018)
I was having a conversation with some conservative friends the other night about the homeless problem in San Francisco. Not surprisingly, they had the solution...

LESSONS ON HOW  TO BE A WINE SNOB (Posted May 15, 2018)
I hate wine tasting. I don't like drinking alcohol during the day, mainly because it doesn't give me anything to look forward to at night. And while I enjoy wine as much as anyone, I have no clue as to the reason why, and I really don't care....

THERE'S ALWAYS LESSONS  TO BE LEARNED (Posted May 8, 2018)
From the emails I receive, it seems what readers like most about this column is that it humorously reflects on the realities of life. With that in mind, I've got a doozy of a story to tell...

SURVIVING LIFE IN  THE FAST LANE
(Posted May 1, 2018)
I'm going to come right out and say it: I am not a sexist. I believe in equal pay for equal work, Title IX, whatever. I'm all for equal political, economic, social, cultural and personal rights for women...

FIND A FRIEND WHO'S OLDER THAN YOU (Posted April 24, 2018)
I visited an old friend at his nursing home the other day. He is 93 and nearing the end of his decorated, incredibly successful life. His eyes are tired, he doesn't hear well, and he shuffles around in a walker....

WHEN THE BAD GUYS COME TO TOWN
(Posted April 17, 2018)
It's always kind of fun to watch the good guys/bad guys go at it. And we've got a ripsnorter going at it right here on the streets and sidewalks of San Francisco...

LOVELY SOUNDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT (Posted April 10, 2018)
I was lying in bed a few nights ago and checked the clock. It was 3 a.m. and I was wide awake. Since I had already solved all the world's problems, I began thinking about what subject I could tackle for this week's column...

THIS DOCTOR HAS ALL THE ANSWERS
(Posted April 3, 2018)
Editor's Note: It's time for yet another installment from our esteemed advice columnist, that Doctor of Communications himself, known to his legion of fans as simply Doctor C...

RALLYING AROUND THE  PRESIDENT'S VIRTUES
(Posted March 26, 2018)
Some people love Donald Trump. Some people, especially around here, hate Donald Trump. Very few people are indifferent. He is definitely one of the most polarizing Presidents in history...

DREAMING THE DREAM  OF HOME OWNERSHIP
(Posted March 20, 2018)
I only have one grandchild, and she can't talk yet (or do much of anything), but if I had a couple in the vicinity of 12 years old, I expect we'd have the following conversation:..

TALENT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SINGING
(Posted March 13, 2018)
I came home around 9:45 the other night after a long solo trip in the car and announced to my wife that I had made a life-changing discovery...

IF IT'S SUNDAY, IT'S OBITUARY DAY
(Posted March 6, 2018)
There's nothing like a dissertation on death to get your Tuesday morning off to a cheery start. I'm happy to oblige...

"SILVER FOX" CONFRONTS DYEING DILEMMA
(Posted February 27, 2018)
To dye or not to dye. That is the question I posed to my wife as I brushed what is left of my hair the other morning. She was quick with her answer...

TRUE CHAMPIONS FIND A SPORT NO ONE PLAYS
(Posted February 20, 2018)
Two of my kids were over for dinner the other night and after their free meal was consumed we turned on the Winter Olympics. It seemed a good time to let them know I was very disappointed in how their lives turned out....

A TRIBUTE TO A WONDERFUL WOMAN (Posted February 13, 2018)
(Note to readers: I wrote this column three years ago when my mother died, before I started writing for The Chronicle. Since it was never published, I'm running it now, in memory of my mother and her remarkable attitude about life.)

ENJOYING NOT LIVING IN THE MOMENT
(Posted February 6, 2018)
My cell phone rang. I could see from the caller ID that it was my 27 year old son....

DOUBLE TROUBLE  IN THE BEDROOM
(Posted January 30, 2018)
My wife and I visited some friends last week for a quick two-night trip. When they graciously showed us to our room, we were not pleased...

EVERYONE'S GOT THEIR  OWN DRIVING IRRITATION
(Posted January 23, 2018)
I'm not sure how long I'll write this column---maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe years. I may quit, I may be fired, I may drop dead---who knows? But I'm not going out without listing my Top Driving Irritation. The world needs to know....

RELIGION AND SPORTS  CAN BE A STRANGE MIX
(Posted January 16, 2018)
At the risk of offending a huge segment of the population, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that God didn't really care who won the National Championship football game between Alabama and Georgia that was played last week...

NOT ALL PLACES ARE LIKE THE BAY AREA
(Posted January 9, 2018)
With the New Year upon us, it's time to turn our thoughts to charitable giving. So I'd like to suggest sending donations to help keep my country club golf course from closing down...

TO DRIVE, OR  NOT TO DRIVE
(Posted January 2, 2018)
We were gliding along Interstate 5 last week, heading down to San Diego for a short vacation. My wife was beside me in the passenger seat, eagerly criticizing my driving while staring at the barren scenery....

BABYSITTING CAN BE VERY LUCRATIVE
(Posted December 26, 2017)
My wife and I babysat our little six month old granddaughter last Saturday night. She was dropped off at 6 pm, and not picked up until 9 am the next morning. It was her first sleepover with us.

THE WORLD IS FULL  OF GOOD PEOPLE
(Posted December 19, 2017)
It's the holiday season, and like most people, I'm tired of all the bad news that dominates the airwaves and the newspapers each and every day. This is supposed to be the time to rejoice, so I'm going to give it a shot...

BIRTHDAYS REQUIRE  GOOD TIMING
(Posted December 12, 2017)
When I am King, one of my first acts will be to outlaw sexual intercourse during the month of March....

THERE'S JUST SOMETHING  ABOUT COFFEE
(Posted December 3, 2017)
Another one bites the dust. My 27 year old son just informed me that he has started to drink coffee for the first time in his life...

FIRST WE'VE GOT  TO CHANGE THE CULTURE
(Posted November 28, 2017)
A couple of weeks ago I started writing a column on gun control. Like every American, I was horrified by the latest mass shootings and set out to investigate how anyone could rationalize the sale and use of military-style assault weapons by private citizens.

SOME BOOKS AREN'T  MEANT TO BE SOLD
(Posted November 21, 2017)
I've been doing this column thing for a while now, and it may be time to accept one of those offers from publishers who are eager to compile the columns into a bestselling book. And I might, as soon as the first offer rolls in...

SOMETIMES YOU JUST  HAVE TO EAT
(Posted November 14, 2017)
My wife and I were on a road trip last weekend and it was time for lunch. As usual, that was a problem....

HOW TO HANDLE  LOUSY COMMUTES
(Posted November 7, 2017)
For all those who are upset and frustrated by the ridiculous traffic that has clogged Bay Area freeways for years (and is getting worse by the day), I have miraculously come up with a solution...

IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY  BEING A MAN
(Posted October 31, 2017)
I was in a bad mood, and had been for a couple of days. No reason. Business was fine, family was fine, health was fine. I was just in a bad mood and wanted to show the world, starting with my wife...

TRYING TO LAUGH  THROUGH THE TEARS
(Posted October 24, 2017)
I woke up a couple of Mondays ago, checked my phone, and there was the text message. My sister and brother-in-law were at Denny's 24 hour Restaurant, and needed a place to stay...

DO WE REALLY NEED  AN INVINCIBLE PRESIDENT?
(Posted October 17, 2017)
While the fires raged last week in the Wine Country and beyond, creating unimaginable devastation and suffering, another story shared the headlines that created a different kind of unimaginable scenario...

DATING IS FOR  THE YOUNG AT HEART
(Posted October 10, 2017)
I've always said the one thing you can't control is your children's love life. That doesn't mean I can't try, though...

A VOTE IN FAVOR  OF IMMIGRATION
(Posted October 3, 2017)
A good friend and business associate of mine came into my office last week, armed with videos and pictures of 1374 immigrants from 95 countries taking the oath to become a citizen of the United States of America... 

JUST TRYING TO DO  THE SMART THING 
(Posted September 26, 2017)
A good friend of mine thinks I'm an intellectual. He invited me to a philosophical seminar, "Living a Good Life," to be held at Cavallo Point in Sausalito November 10th.

A MARITAL  BEDTIME STORY
(Posted September19, 2017)
On most nights, my wife and I get ready for bed around the same time. We go through our routine, do a little reading, and then turn off the lights for a blissful night's sleep....

ASK A QUESTION,  GET AN ANSWER
(Posted September 12, 2017)
 Editor's Note: It's time for yet another installment from that noted advice columnist, the Doctor of Communications himself, aka Dr. C. While Dr. C usually expertly answers questions from readers...

TEACHING YOUR  KIDS THE BASICS
(Posted September 5, 2017)
We were on a family vacation in the mountains last week with all four of our grown children. As my 36 year old daughter climbed into a motorboat with me, she offered a cheerful comment....

JUST GIVE CONCERTS  A CHANCE
(Posted August 29, 2017)
I went to a concert a week ago Sunday. This was a big deal, because I don't go to concerts. I don't like concerts. Never have...

WHAT WOULD YOU DO  WITH ONE DAY TO LIVE?
(Posted August 22, 2017)
We were out to dinner the other night with some friends. The conversation was dragging a bit, so I decided to spice it up by asking a question...

A MAN AND HIS SOFA  WILL NEVER PART
(Posted August 15, 2017)
There is a difference between men and women. If there was any doubt, it was proven on the sales floor of a huge furniture warehouse a couple of weeks ago...

WANTED: A PRESIDENT  WITH DIGNITY
(Posted August 8, 2017)
In January, the week of the inauguration of Donald Trump as President, I wrote a serious column titled "Time for Other Voices to be Heard." I took a lot of heat from some readers, and I promised to revisit the issue sometime in the future...

KEEP FLOSSING UNTIL  YOUR TEETH FALL OUT
(Posted August 1, 2017)
I think about professions a lot. What's it like to be an attorney, a laborer, a contractor, an engineer, a proctologist, an actor, a porn star, a politician? Inquiring minds want to know...

HAIR TODAY,  GONE TOMORROW
(Posted July 25, 2017)
My hair stylist, if you can call her that, retired about a month ago. She had cut my hair for the last 30 years, and she was quite possibly the worst hair stylist that ever walked the Earth...

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE  TO GO YOUR OWN WAY
(Posted July 18, 2017)
We had a huge fight in the car the other day. As is often the case, it was over directions. I wanted to go one way, she wanted to go the other way. I'm sorry to say it got ugly...

BABIES NEED TO  GET A LIFE
(Posted July 11 2017)
"It's time to go," said my wife, excitedly, as she dragged me towards the door. "This is a big moment in our lives."...

FREEDOM COMES WITH  MANY CONSEQUENCES
(Posted July 4, 2017)
There's a really corny movie comedy that came out about 12 years ago called "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo." It was terrible, but it had a great opening scene where Deuce was swimming with his new bride in a secluded bay...

KIDS ARE KIDS,  NO MATTER WHAT
(Posted June 27, 2017)
I was in the heart of the Carmel Valley a couple of weeks ago, in an area called The Preserve. It is a private community of 300 homesites on a measly 22,000 acres...

MAKING A CASE  FOR GOING BAREFOOT
(Posted June 20, 2017)
Reason Number 4327 as to why I could never be a woman is shoes. I'm going to generalize here, and I fully realize there are millions and millions of exceptions, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say women like shoes and men don't...

THE NEW GENERATION  HAS WORK TO DO
(Posted June 13, 2017)
My father, who wrote a satirical daily column in The Chronicle for almost 50 years, mixed in a serious one every so often. "A New Beginning," which appeared on October 17, 1979, was one of those, and I remember it well. I found it in the archives, and read it again.

A SUREFIRE WAY TO  BECOME RICH
(Posted June 6, 2017)
It was late, and my eyes were drooping. I reached over to turn off the reading light above my side of the bed...

NO LOVE FOR  THE JINGLE FROM HELL
(Posted May 30, 2017)
I was driving, the radio was on, and my wife was in the passenger seat. Since we have wildly different tastes in music and can never agree on a music station, we were listening to KCBS, the all-news station.

EVERY SOLDIER NEEDS  A LITTLE TRAINING
(Posted May 23, 2017)
It's been almost a year since I wrote about a young man from Marin County, best friend to my two sons and marketing manager for my company, who surprised all of us by announcing he was joining the army...

GETTING OLD IS  NO WALK IN THE PARK
(Posted May 16, 2017)
I was taking my granddog, Obie, for a walk a couple of months ago, and I had the unpleasant experience of remembering that getting old is not for sissies...

HOW TO COMMUNICATE  IN A MODERN WORLD.
(Posted May 9, 2017)
There is a Miss Manners, a Dear Abby and a host of other advice columns. And now there is one more, at least for today. Meet the Doctor of Communications, aka Dr. C, who will answer all your etiquette questions related to email, texting and cell phone calling in this modern world....

A BATTLE FOR  THE AGES
(Posted May 2, 2017)
A new hairdo, a spray-on tan, a facial, working out almost every day---obviously, my wife was having an affair...

IN SEARCH OF  THE PERFECT PILLOW
(Posted April 25, 2017)
I got an email the other day from a reader who wasn't happy about the subjects of some recent columns. "Our country is a mess," she wrote, "and you're writing about plumbers and Easter egg hunts? Disgraceful."...

WHAT IF YOU OFFERED  A JOB AND NOBODY CAME?
(Posted April 18, 2017)
I know this isn't happening in every part of the country, but the Bay Area is booming. And I'm getting a little sick and tired of all this economic prosperity...

EASTER EGG HUNTS  CAN BE LUCRATIVE
(Posted April 11, 2017)
Easter Sunday is almost upon us, so it is time for some of us to think about Jesus Christ rising from the dead and, coincidentally, time to think about where to hide the eggs...

ALL WE NEED  IS A LITTLE VISION
(Posted April 4, 2017)
I am not happy with my parents, grandparents or my great grandparents. They really dropped the ball on health care, and I'm paying the price...

YOUTH IS IN THE  EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
(Posted March 28, 2017)
 The San Francisco Giants are deep into spring training in Scottsdale, Arizona, and there were two aging veterans attempting a comeback: Jimmy Rollins, a 38 year old former MVP of the National League....and me....

BUILDING A WALL IS  NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS
(Posted March 21, 2017)
                                 MEMO
To: The President of the United States
From: A concerned citizen
Date: March 21, 2017
Re: Walls
.

SHE'S NEW, SHE'S SEXY,  AND SHE'S A PROBLEM
(Posted March 14, 2017)
"I'm thinking about making a change," I said to my wife a few months ago. "Something sleeker, something racier, something newer."...

A LITTLE HONESTY  CAN GO A LONG WAY
(Posted March 7, 2017)
My wife flew to Montreal last week to visit her 93 year old mother. As I drove her to the airport, I decided to be honest with her, for the first time in 40 years. I was tired of being a fraud...

IN DEFENSE OF  A NOBLE PROFESSION
(Posted February 28, 2017)
The President of the United States, who is known as the leader of the free world, said the media are "the enemy of the people." It's hard to believe anyone could be so wrong. ..

GET YOURSELF A  RESCUE SPOUSE
(Posted February 21, 2017)
It was raining again, for the third day in a row. I was sitting at the breakfast table in our Marin County home, eating my banana and peanut butter, and my wife sat across from me as the rain incessantly pelted the roof...

TO ROOT AGAINST  YOUR CHILDREN
(Posted February 14, 2017)
Like most parents, I'm generally supportive of everything my children do in life, from watching them take their first step to hoping they choose the right partner. It's all about rooting for the home team...

AGE IS NOTHING  BUT A LOUSY NUMBER
(Posted February 7, 2017)
We all gathered around the fireplace the other night, with me sitting as erect as I could on the hearth. Everyone else was at my feet, staring up and waiting for my words of wisdom...

THE FUTURE IS JUST  AROUND THE CORNER
(Posted January 31, 2017)
There's nothing like starting your morning by hearing that you will soon be obsolete. That's what happened to me last week...

SEARCHING FOR THE  PERFECT IN-LAW
(Posted January 24, 2017)
The garbage disposal stopped working the other day, and the toilet was acting up. And all I could think about was how my daughter had let me down by marrying a surfer who happens to be in sales....

TIME FOR OTHER  VOICES TO BE HEARD
(Posted January 17, 2017)
With the inauguration of President-elect Donald Trump only three days away, I feel compelled to write about the state of our country, which is what is on everyone's mind these days...

TRUE LOVE HAS  NO BOUNDARIES
(Posted January 10, 2017)
I was in the airport bookstore a few weeks ago, browsing for a trashy novel, when my eyes flashed on an old love, staring at me from the cover. It was Joe Montana and the book was "Montana, the Biography of Football's Joe Cool."...

FALLING APART IN  ALL THE RIGHT PLACES
(Posted January 3, 2017)
I hate to brag, but I've got bicep tendonitis. Well, at least I did until my body literally started falling apart. Modern or ancient medicine played no role in my recovery. It was just the human body working its magic...

WHENEVER POSSIBLE,  TAKE THE SCENIC ROUTE
(Posted December 27, 2016)
Here's a holiday story which has nothing to do with Christmas, or New Year's, and only a bit about the season. It's just a reminder, at least to me, about slowing down and enjoying life...

PLUNGING HEADFIRST  INTO THE 21ST CENTURY
(Posted December 20, 2016)
If I had a grandchild, which I don't, as soon as the little whippersnapper could talk and use a computer, we would have probably had the following conversation at some point in the last 10 years...

'TIS THE SEASON  TO BE CRANKY
(Posted December 13, 2016)
My wife, who would not make a very good nurse, was rather unimpressed when I told her a few days ago that I had a disease...

SOMETIMES THE BUYER  NEEDS A LITTLE HELP
(Posted December 6, 2016)
This is kind of a sad story, the kind that might shake your faith in human nature. It's not about pain, or disease, or death, or anything on that level. It's just about money, the root of many evils in this world...

I'M JUICED UP AND  I'VE BEEN CLEANSED!
(Posted November 29, 2016)
As I write this, it's Thursday morning, Thanksgiving Day. In about seven hours, my family and a few friends will gather at my house, and I will eat and drink all I want...

SELF-DRIVING MY WAY  INTO THE FUTURE
(Posted November 22, 2016)
If I was 12 years old right now, I'd be really unhappy. Maybe it's just me, but when I was 12 years old, I distinctly remember being very worried that by the time I turned 16 and was eligible to finally have my driver's license and have the thrill of driving a car, all cars would be driverless.

DON'T BE IN A HURRY  TO PULL MY PLUG
(Posted November 15, 2016)
With the anxiety and depression of the election complete, my wife and I decided we needed some cheering up. So off we went last week to meet with an attorney to update what remnants of our meager estate we would like to leave to our impoverished children...

ABSENTEE BALLOTS WON'T  GET MY VOTE
(Posted November 7, 2016)
I always looked forward to Election Day. I'd drive to work, passing the American flags flying gallantly outside our community polling place, knowing I would stop on my way home to cast my crucial vote...

SAVING A LIFE  IS NOT THAT SIMPLE
(Posted November 1, 2016)
For about 40 years now, I've been meaning to take one of those CPR classes, just in case I came across some poor soul who needed me to save their life...

TEXTING IS NOT  AS EASY AS IT LOOKS
(Posted October 25, 2016)
My youngest son, who is in his mid-twenties, is on the prowl. After a five year relationship with his girlfriend came to a sudden halt a few months ago, he sulked for a few weeks and then hit the singles market with a vengeance...

ALL I WANT IS  A LITTLE MIRACLE
(Posted October 18, 2016)
"I've got a present for you," I said to my wife a few months ago. "What did you buy for yourself this time?" she asked as I led her into our home gym that was at one time a garage that was actually used...

FLYING IS DEFINITELY  FOR THE BIRDS
(Posted October 11, 2016)
My wife, who for some strange reason likes to fly, suggested last weekend we go see the movie "Sully," which is the story of US Air Flight 1549's plunge into the Hudson River in January of 2009.

DON'T LET FACTS  GET IN THE WAY
(Posted October 4, 2016)
I was having lunch the other day with a good friend of mine, and naturally the conversation turned to politics, as it always does these days...

LEGAL OR NOT,  IT'S ALL THE SAME
(Posted September 27, 2016)
I'm probably ruining my chances of becoming President of the United States, but I'm still going to come out and admit that I am a criminal. I have tried marijuana...

CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN,  UNFORTUNATELY
(Posted September 20, 2016)
 I got dressed for work the other day and secretly put on the spanking new dress shoes and glistening new dress shirt I had purchased all by myself the day before..

NO SUCH THING AS  AN UNKNOWN SOLDIER
(Posted September 13, 2016)
In this fractious, polarized election year, it would be nice to talk about something that everyone can agree on. Maybe this story can do the trick...

BEWARE OF WISE MEN  BEARING GIFTS
(Posted September 6, 2016)
There is no such thing as a free lunch. I am reminded of this old and wise saying every time my wife and I are invited to a dinner party, as we were the other evening...

LOVE CAN ALWAYS  USE A LITTLE SALAMI
(Posted August 30, 2016)
I don't fall in love easily, but I'm pretty sure this is the real thing. There have been others, and I stubbornly thought we had something going, but this is different. This is true love. 

WHAT'S RHYTHM  GOT TO DO WITH IT?
(Posted August 23, 2016)
I miss my mother. She died almost two years ago, and I miss her for a lot of reasons, but mostly because she thought I was a good dancer...

PLEASE DON'T  YELP THIS COLUMN
(Posted August 16, 2016)
As some readers of this column know, or can certainly surmise, I don't write for a living. If I did, I would not only be broke (once a week doesn't pay all the bills, unfortunately), but I would also be deep in therapy, learning how to become less sensitive to criticism.

LOOKING GOOD IS  CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION
(Posted August 9, 2016)
On January 1, 2016, as I entered my 27th consecutive year of trying to lose five pounds, I must admit I had lost both hope and interest. The pattern had become eerily consistent. I would go on a diet, lose three pounds, and then celebrate by eating like a pig until I had gained it back.

A LIFE THAT COULD  HAVE BEEN BETTER
(Posted August 2, 2016)
My best friend from high school and college died over a month ago and few people noticed. As far as I know, there was no memorial service, no funeral, no obituary, no nothing. How sad...

THE ONLY GOOD SONG  IS AN OLD SONG
(Posted July 26, 2016)
Not one to miss out on a hot new trend, I decided the other day to get an Ipod, or whatever it is they call it these days...

DOWN AND OUT  IN WASHINGTON D.C.
(Posted July 19, 2016)
Ahhh, summertime!!! A time for vacations, for relaxing from a long year of hard work. A time to stop the rat race and have fun. A time for a joyous celebration of life...

NO GOOD IDEA GOES UNPUNISHED
(Posted July 12, 2016)
My two sons, who are in their mid-twenties, came to me a few years ago and asked which industry they should focus on for their budding business careers... 

HUSBANDS CAN'T  KNOW EVERYTHING
(Posted July 5, 2016)
My wife and I were driving along, peacefully enjoying the pastoral scenery, when the song "Brown-Eyed Girl" came on the radio.

WHEN IN DOUBT,  CALL DOCTOR INTERNET
(Posted June 28, 2016)
I was in pain. I got out of my car a few weeks ago after a five hour drive, and could barely walk. My left calf had tightened up. I had no idea why.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE  TO CHANGE CAREERS
(Posted June 21, 2016)
My wife came home the other night and announced that she has decided to enter the job market. Or at least consider entering the job market...

HAPPINESS IS JUST A SHORTCUT AWAY
(Posted June 14, 2016)
When my kids were young, and I had all four of them in the car going somewhere or other, I distinctly remember when I would encounter a serious traffic jam on the freeway...

NOT EVERYONE IS  A SPORTS FAN
(Posted June 7, 2016)
My wife doesn't understand me. She thinks I'm shallow, demented, obsessive, compulsive, misguided and generally ridiculous...

TRUE LOVE DOESN'T  COME CHEAP
(Posted May 31, 2016)
My oldest daughter and her boyfriend came by not long ago and happily announced that they were engaged to be married...

A FISH STORY FOR LOSERS
(Posted May 24, 2016)
The alarm clock went off at the ungodly hour of 5:45 last Saturday morning. But I was already wide awake, eager to provide for my family...

MATCHMAKING IS NOT FOR WEENIES
(Posted May 17, 2016)
My wife had a couple of single female friends, both in their 50's, over for dinner the other night at our house in Mill Valley, and the conversation eventually turned to the sad state of their love life...

MY EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY
(Posted May 10, 2016)
My wife and I sat down at a nice table in a lovely restaurant the other night, and once again I heard those wonderful words that fill me with unabated glee...

I'M TIRED OF GETTING DUMPED
(Posted May 3, 2016)
Our 29 year old daughter was over for dinner the other night and she had that excited glow about her. That could only mean one thing...