TALENT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SINGING
(Posted March 13, 2018)
I came home around 9:45 the
other night after a long solo trip in the car and announced to my wife
that I had made a life-changing discovery...
IF IT'S SUNDAY, IT'S OBITUARY DAY
(Posted March 6, 2018)
like a dissertation on death to get your Tuesday morning off to a cheery
start. I'm happy to oblige...
"SILVER FOX" CONFRONTS DYEING DILEMMA
(Posted February 27, 2018)
To dye or not
to dye. That is the question I posed to my wife as I brushed what is left
of my hair the other morning. She was quick with her answer...
TRUE CHAMPIONS FIND A SPORT NO ONE PLAYS
(Posted February 20, 2018)
Two of my kids
were over for dinner the other night and after their free meal was
consumed we turned on the Winter Olympics. It seemed a good time to let
them know I was very disappointed in how their lives turned out....
A TRIBUTE TO A WONDERFUL WOMAN (Posted
February 13, 2018)
(Note to readers: I
wrote this column three years ago when my mother died, before I started
writing for The Chronicle. Since it was never published, I'm running it
now, in memory of my mother and her remarkable attitude about life.)
ENJOYING NOT LIVING IN THE MOMENT
(Posted February 6, 2018)
My cell phone rang. I could
see from the caller ID that it was my 27 year old son....
DOUBLE TROUBLE IN THE BEDROOM
(Posted January 30, 2018)
My wife and
I visited some friends last week for a quick two-night trip. When they
graciously showed us to our room, we were not pleased...
EVERYONE'S GOT THEIR OWN DRIVING IRRITATION
(Posted January 23, 2018)
sure how long I'll write this column---maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe
years. I may quit, I may be fired, I may drop dead---who knows? But I'm
not going out without listing my Top Driving Irritation. The world needs
RELIGION AND SPORTS CAN BE A STRANGE MIX
(Posted January 16, 2018)
At the risk of
offending a huge segment of the population, I'm going to go out on a limb
and say that God didn't really care who won the National Championship
football game between Alabama and Georgia that was played last week...
NOT ALL PLACES ARE LIKE THE BAY AREA
(Posted January 9, 2018)
With the New Year
upon us, it's time to turn our thoughts to charitable giving. So I'd like
to suggest sending donations to help keep my country club golf course from
TO DRIVE, OR NOT TO DRIVE
(Posted January 2, 2018)
gliding along Interstate 5 last week, heading down to San Diego for a
short vacation. My wife was beside me in the passenger seat, eagerly
criticizing my driving while staring at the barren scenery....
BABYSITTING CAN BE VERY LUCRATIVE
(Posted December 26, 2017)
My wife and I
babysat our little six month old granddaughter last Saturday night. She
was dropped off at 6 pm, and not picked up until 9 am the next morning. It
was her first sleepover with us.
THE WORLD IS FULL OF GOOD PEOPLE
(Posted December 19, 2017)
It's the holiday
season, and like most people, I'm tired of all the bad news that dominates
the airwaves and the newspapers each and every day. This is supposed to be
the time to rejoice, so I'm going to give it a shot...
BIRTHDAYS REQUIRE GOOD TIMING
(Posted December 12, 2017)
When I am King,
one of my first acts will be to outlaw sexual intercourse during the month
THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT COFFEE
(Posted December 3, 2017)
Another one bites
the dust. My 27 year old son just informed me that he has started to drink
coffee for the first time in his life...
FIRST WE'VE GOT TO CHANGE THE CULTURE
(Posted November 28, 2017)
A couple of
weeks ago I started writing a column on gun control. Like every American,
I was horrified by the latest mass shootings and set out to investigate
how anyone could rationalize the sale and use of military-style assault
weapons by private citizens.
SOME BOOKS AREN'T MEANT TO BE SOLD
(Posted November 21, 2017)
I've been doing this
column thing for a while now, and it may be time to accept one of those
offers from publishers who are eager to compile the columns into a
bestselling book. And I might, as soon as the first offer rolls in...
SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO EAT
(Posted November 14, 2017)
My wife and I
were on a road trip last weekend and it was time for lunch. As usual, that
was a problem....
HOW TO HANDLE LOUSY COMMUTES
(Posted November 7, 2017)
For all those who
are upset and frustrated by the ridiculous traffic that has clogged Bay
Area freeways for years (and is getting worse by the day), I have
miraculously come up with a solution...
IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY BEING A MAN
(Posted October 31, 2017)
I was in a bad
mood, and had been for a couple of days. No reason. Business was fine,
family was fine, health was fine. I was just in a bad mood and wanted to
show the world, starting with my wife...
TRYING TO LAUGH THROUGH THE TEARS
(Posted October 24, 2017)
I woke up a couple of
Mondays ago, checked my phone, and there was the text message. My sister
and brother-in-law were at Denny's 24 hour Restaurant, and needed a place
DO WE REALLY NEED AN INVINCIBLE PRESIDENT?
(Posted October 17, 2017)
While the fires
raged last week in the Wine Country and beyond, creating unimaginable
devastation and suffering, another story shared the headlines that created
a different kind of unimaginable scenario...
DATING IS FOR THE YOUNG AT HEART
(Posted October 10, 2017)
I've always said
the one thing you can't control is your children's love life. That doesn't
mean I can't try, though...
A VOTE IN FAVOR OF IMMIGRATION
(Posted October 3, 2017)
A good friend
and business associate of mine came into my office last week, armed with
videos and pictures of 1374 immigrants from 95 countries taking the oath
to become a citizen of the United States of America...
JUST TRYING TO DO THE SMART THING
(Posted September 26, 2017)
friend of mine thinks I'm an intellectual. He invited me to a
philosophical seminar, "Living a Good Life," to be held at
Cavallo Point in Sausalito November 10th.
A MARITAL BEDTIME STORY
(Posted September19, 2017)
nights, my wife and I get ready for bed around the same time. We go
through our routine, do a little reading, and then turn off the lights for
a blissful night's sleep....
ASK A QUESTION, GET AN ANSWER
(Posted September 12, 2017)
Note: It's time for yet another installment from that noted advice
columnist, the Doctor of Communications himself, aka Dr. C. While Dr. C
usually expertly answers questions from readers...
TEACHING YOUR KIDS THE BASICS
(Posted September 5, 2017)
We were on a
family vacation in the mountains last week with all four of our grown
children. As my 36 year old daughter climbed into a motorboat with me, she
offered a cheerful comment....
JUST GIVE CONCERTS A CHANCE
(Posted August 29, 2017)
I went to a
concert a week ago Sunday. This was a big deal, because I don't go to
concerts. I don't like concerts. Never have...
WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH ONE DAY TO LIVE?
(Posted August 22, 2017)
We were out
to dinner the other night with some friends. The conversation was dragging
a bit, so I decided to spice it up by asking a question...
A MAN AND HIS SOFA WILL NEVER PART
(Posted August 15, 2017)
There is a
difference between men and women. If there was any doubt, it was proven on
the sales floor of a huge furniture warehouse a couple of weeks ago...
WANTED: A PRESIDENT WITH DIGNITY
(Posted August 8, 2017)
the week of the inauguration of Donald Trump as President, I wrote a
serious column titled "Time for Other Voices to be Heard." I
took a lot of heat from some readers, and I promised to revisit the issue
sometime in the future...
KEEP FLOSSING UNTIL YOUR TEETH FALL OUT
(Posted August 1, 2017)
I think about
professions a lot. What's it like to be an attorney, a laborer, a
contractor, an engineer, a proctologist, an actor, a porn star, a
politician? Inquiring minds want to know...
HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW
(Posted July 25, 2017)
stylist, if you can call her that, retired about a month ago. She had cut
my hair for the last 30 years, and she was quite possibly the worst hair
stylist that ever walked the Earth...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO GO YOUR OWN WAY
(Posted July 18, 2017)
We had a huge fight
in the car the other day. As is often the case, it was over directions. I
wanted to go one way, she wanted to go the other way. I'm sorry to say it
BABIES NEED TO GET A LIFE
(Posted July 11 2017)
"It's time to
go," said my wife, excitedly, as she dragged me towards the door.
"This is a big moment in our lives."...
FREEDOM COMES WITH MANY CONSEQUENCES
(Posted July 4, 2017)
really corny movie comedy that came out about 12 years ago called
"Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo." It was terrible, but it had a
great opening scene where Deuce was swimming with his new bride in a
KIDS ARE KIDS, NO MATTER WHAT
(Posted June 27, 2017)
I was in the heart of the
Carmel Valley a couple of weeks ago, in an area called The Preserve. It is
a private community of 300 homesites on a measly 22,000 acres...
MAKING A CASE FOR GOING BAREFOOT
(Posted June 20, 2017)
Reason Number 4327
as to why I could never be a woman is shoes. I'm going to generalize here,
and I fully realize there are millions and millions of exceptions, but I'm
going to go out on a limb and say women like shoes and men don't...
THE NEW GENERATION HAS WORK TO DO
(Posted June 13, 2017)
My father, who
wrote a satirical daily column in The Chronicle for almost 50 years, mixed
in a serious one every so often. "A New Beginning," which
appeared on October 17, 1979, was one of those, and I remember it well. I
found it in the archives, and read it again.
A SUREFIRE WAY TO BECOME RICH
(Posted June 6, 2017)
It was late, and
my eyes were drooping. I reached over to turn off the reading light above
my side of the bed...
NO LOVE FOR THE JINGLE FROM HELL
(Posted May 30, 2017)
I was driving, the
radio was on, and my wife was in the passenger seat. Since we have wildly
different tastes in music and can never agree on a music station, we were
listening to KCBS, the all-news station.
EVERY SOLDIER NEEDS A LITTLE TRAINING
(Posted May 23, 2017)
It's been almost a
year since I wrote about a young man from Marin County, best friend to my
two sons and marketing manager for my company, who surprised all of us by
announcing he was joining the army...
GETTING OLD IS NO WALK IN THE PARK
(Posted May 16, 2017)
I was taking my
granddog, Obie, for a walk a couple of months ago, and I had the
unpleasant experience of remembering that getting old is not for
HOW TO COMMUNICATE IN A MODERN WORLD.
(Posted May 9, 2017)
There is a Miss
Manners, a Dear Abby and a host of other advice columns. And now there is
one more, at least for today. Meet the Doctor of Communications, aka Dr.
C, who will answer all your etiquette questions related to email, texting
and cell phone calling in this modern world....
A BATTLE FOR THE AGES
(Posted May 2, 2017)
A new hairdo, a
spray-on tan, a facial, working out almost every day---obviously, my wife
was having an affair...
IN SEARCH OF THE PERFECT PILLOW
(Posted April 25, 2017)
I got an email the other day
from a reader who wasn't happy about the subjects of some recent columns.
"Our country is a mess," she wrote, "and you're writing
about plumbers and Easter egg hunts? Disgraceful."...
WHAT IF YOU OFFERED A JOB AND NOBODY CAME?
(Posted April 18, 2017)
this isn't happening in every part of the country, but the Bay Area is
booming. And I'm getting a little sick and tired of all this economic
EASTER EGG HUNTS CAN BE LUCRATIVE
(Posted April 11, 2017)
Easter Sunday is
almost upon us, so it is time for some of us to think about Jesus Christ
rising from the dead and, coincidentally, time to think about where to
hide the eggs...
ALL WE NEED IS A LITTLE VISION
(Posted April 4, 2017)
I am not happy with
my parents, grandparents or my great grandparents. They really dropped the
ball on health care, and I'm paying the price...
YOUTH IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
(Posted March 28, 2017)
Francisco Giants are deep into spring training in Scottsdale, Arizona, and
there were two aging veterans attempting a comeback: Jimmy Rollins, a 38
year old former MVP of the National League....and me....
BUILDING A WALL IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS
(Posted March 21, 2017)
President of the United States
From: A concerned citizen
Date: March 21, 2017
SHE'S NEW, SHE'S SEXY, AND SHE'S A PROBLEM
(Posted March 14, 2017)
"I'm thinking about making a
change," I said to my wife a few months ago. "Something sleeker,
something racier, something newer."...
A LITTLE HONESTY CAN GO A LONG WAY
(Posted March 7, 2017)
My wife flew to Montreal
last week to visit her 93 year old mother. As I drove her to the airport,
I decided to be honest with her, for the first time in 40 years. I was
tired of being a fraud...
IN DEFENSE OF A NOBLE PROFESSION
(Posted February 28, 2017)
The President of the
United States, who is known as the leader of the free world, said the
media are "the enemy of the people." It's hard to believe anyone
could be so wrong. ..
GET YOURSELF A RESCUE SPOUSE
(Posted February 21, 2017)
It was raining
again, for the third day in a row. I was sitting at the breakfast table in
our Marin County home, eating my banana and peanut butter, and my wife sat
across from me as the rain incessantly pelted the roof...
TO ROOT AGAINST YOUR CHILDREN
(Posted February 14, 2017)
parents, I'm generally supportive of everything my children do in life,
from watching them take their first step to hoping they choose the right
partner. It's all about rooting for the home team...
AGE IS NOTHING BUT A LOUSY NUMBER
(Posted February 7, 2017)
We all gathered around the
fireplace the other night, with me sitting as erect as I could on the
hearth. Everyone else was at my feet, staring up and waiting for my words
THE FUTURE IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER
(Posted January 31, 2017)
There's nothing like starting your
morning by hearing that you will soon be obsolete. That's what happened to
me last week...
SEARCHING FOR THE PERFECT IN-LAW
(Posted January 24, 2017)
disposal stopped working the other day, and the toilet was acting up. And
all I could think about was how my daughter had let me down by marrying a
surfer who happens to be in sales....
TIME FOR OTHER VOICES TO BE HEARD
(Posted January 17, 2017)
inauguration of President-elect Donald Trump only three days away, I feel
compelled to write about the state of our country, which is what is on
everyone's mind these days...
TRUE LOVE HAS NO BOUNDARIES
(Posted January 10, 2017)
I was in the
airport bookstore a few weeks ago, browsing for a trashy novel, when my
eyes flashed on an old love, staring at me from the cover. It was Joe
Montana and the book was "Montana, the Biography of Football's Joe
FALLING APART IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES
(Posted January 3, 2017)
I hate to brag, but
I've got bicep tendonitis. Well, at least I did until my body literally
started falling apart. Modern or ancient medicine played no role in my
recovery. It was just the human body working its magic...
WHENEVER POSSIBLE, TAKE THE SCENIC ROUTE
(Posted December 27, 2016)
holiday story which has nothing to do with Christmas, or New Year's, and
only a bit about the season. It's just a reminder, at least to me, about
slowing down and enjoying life...
PLUNGING HEADFIRST INTO THE 21ST CENTURY
(Posted December 20, 2016)
If I had a grandchild,
which I don't, as soon as the little whippersnapper could talk and use a
computer, we would have probably had the following conversation at some
point in the last 10 years...
'TIS THE SEASON TO BE CRANKY
(Posted December 13, 2016)
My wife, who would
not make a very good nurse, was rather unimpressed when I told her a few
days ago that I had a disease...
SOMETIMES THE BUYER NEEDS A LITTLE HELP
(Posted December 6, 2016)
This is kind of
a sad story, the kind that might shake your faith in human nature. It's
not about pain, or disease, or death, or anything on that level. It's just
about money, the root of many evils in this world...
I'M JUICED UP AND I'VE BEEN CLEANSED!
(Posted November 29, 2016)
As I write this,
it's Thursday morning, Thanksgiving Day. In about seven hours, my family
and a few friends will gather at my house, and I will eat and drink all I
SELF-DRIVING MY WAY INTO THE FUTURE
(Posted November 22, 2016)
If I was 12 years old
right now, I'd be really unhappy. Maybe it's just me, but when I was 12
years old, I distinctly remember being very worried that by the time I
turned 16 and was eligible to finally have my driver's license and have
the thrill of driving a car, all cars would be driverless.
DON'T BE IN A HURRY TO PULL MY PLUG
(Posted November 15, 2016)
anxiety and depression of the election complete, my wife and I decided we
needed some cheering up. So off we went last week to meet with an attorney
to update what remnants of our meager estate we would like to leave to our
ABSENTEE BALLOTS WON'T GET MY VOTE
(Posted November 7, 2016)
I always looked
forward to Election Day. I'd drive to work, passing the American flags
flying gallantly outside our community polling place, knowing I would stop
on my way home to cast my crucial vote...
SAVING A LIFE IS NOT THAT SIMPLE
(Posted November 1, 2016)
For about 40 years
now, I've been meaning to take one of those CPR classes, just in case I
came across some poor soul who needed me to save their life...
TEXTING IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS
(Posted October 25, 2016)
My youngest son, who
is in his mid-twenties, is on the prowl. After a five year relationship
with his girlfriend came to a sudden halt a few months ago, he sulked for
a few weeks and then hit the singles market with a vengeance...
ALL I WANT IS A LITTLE MIRACLE
(Posted October 18, 2016)
"I've got a
present for you," I said to my wife a few months ago. "What did
you buy for yourself this time?" she asked as I led her into our home
gym that was at one time a garage that was actually used...
FLYING IS DEFINITELY FOR THE BIRDS
(Posted October 11, 2016)
My wife, who for
some strange reason likes to fly, suggested last weekend we go see the
movie "Sully," which is the story of US Air Flight 1549's plunge
into the Hudson River in January of 2009.
DON'T LET FACTS GET IN THE WAY
(Posted October 4, 2016)
having lunch the other day with a good friend of mine, and naturally the
conversation turned to politics, as it always does these days...
LEGAL OR NOT, IT'S ALL THE SAME
(Posted September 27, 2016)
I'm probably ruining
my chances of becoming President of the United States, but I'm still going
to come out and admit that I am a criminal. I have tried marijuana...
CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN, UNFORTUNATELY
(Posted September 20, 2016)
dressed for work the other day and secretly put on the spanking new dress
shoes and glistening new dress shirt I had purchased all by myself the day
NO SUCH THING AS AN UNKNOWN SOLDIER
(Posted September 13, 2016)
In this fractious,
polarized election year, it would be nice to talk about something that
everyone can agree on. Maybe this story can do the trick...
BEWARE OF WISE MEN BEARING GIFTS
(Posted September 6, 2016)
There is no such
thing as a free lunch. I am reminded of this old and wise saying every
time my wife and I are invited to a dinner party, as we were the other
LOVE CAN ALWAYS USE A LITTLE SALAMI
(Posted August 30, 2016)
I don't fall in love
easily, but I'm pretty sure this is the real thing. There have been
others, and I stubbornly thought we had something going, but this is
different. This is true love.
WHAT'S RHYTHM GOT TO DO WITH IT?
(Posted August 23, 2016)
I miss my mother.
She died almost two years ago, and I miss her for a lot of reasons, but
mostly because she thought I was a good dancer...
PLEASE DON'T YELP THIS COLUMN
(Posted August 16, 2016)
As some readers of this column
know, or can certainly surmise, I don't write for a living. If I did, I
would not only be broke (once a week doesn't pay all the bills,
unfortunately), but I would also be deep in therapy, learning how to
become less sensitive to criticism.
LOOKING GOOD IS CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION
(Posted August 9, 2016)
January 1, 2016, as I entered my 27th consecutive year of trying to lose
five pounds, I must admit I had lost both hope and interest. The pattern
had become eerily consistent. I would go on a diet, lose three pounds, and
then celebrate by eating like a pig until I had gained it back.
A LIFE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER
(Posted August 2, 2016)
My best friend from
high school and college died over a month ago and few people noticed. As
far as I know, there was no memorial service, no funeral, no obituary, no
nothing. How sad...
THE ONLY GOOD SONG IS AN OLD SONG
(Posted July 26, 2016)
Not one to miss out on a hot new
trend, I decided the other day to get an Ipod, or whatever it is they call
it these days...
DOWN AND OUT IN WASHINGTON D.C.
(Posted July 19, 2016)
summertime!!! A time for vacations, for relaxing from a long year of hard
work. A time to stop the rat race and have fun. A time for a joyous
celebration of life...
NO GOOD IDEA GOES UNPUNISHED
(Posted July 12, 2016)
My two sons, who are in their
mid-twenties, came to me a few years ago and asked which industry they
should focus on for their budding business careers...
HUSBANDS CAN'T KNOW EVERYTHING
(Posted July 5, 2016)
My wife and I were driving along,
peacefully enjoying the pastoral scenery, when the song "Brown-Eyed
Girl" came on the radio.
WHEN IN DOUBT, CALL DOCTOR INTERNET
(Posted June 28, 2016)
I was in pain. I got out
of my car a few weeks ago after a five hour drive, and could barely walk. My
left calf had tightened up. I had no idea why.
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO CHANGE CAREERS
(Posted June 21, 2016)
My wife came home the other
night and announced that she has decided to enter the job market. Or at
least consider entering the job market...
HAPPINESS IS JUST A SHORTCUT AWAY
(Posted June 14, 2016)
When my kids were young,
and I had all four of them in the car going somewhere or other, I
distinctly remember when I would encounter a serious traffic jam on the
NOT EVERYONE IS A SPORTS FAN
(Posted June 7, 2016)
My wife doesn't
understand me. She thinks I'm shallow, demented, obsessive, compulsive,
misguided and generally ridiculous...
TRUE LOVE DOESN'T COME CHEAP
(Posted May 31, 2016)
My oldest daughter and her boyfriend came by not long ago
and happily announced that they were engaged to be married...
A FISH STORY FOR LOSERS
(Posted May 24, 2016)
The alarm clock went off
at the ungodly hour of 5:45 last Saturday morning. But I was already wide
awake, eager to provide for my family...
MATCHMAKING IS NOT FOR WEENIES
(Posted May 17, 2016)
My wife had a couple of
single female friends, both in their 50's, over for dinner the other night
at our house in Mill Valley, and the conversation eventually turned to the
sad state of their love life...
MY EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY
(Posted May 10, 2016)
My wife and I sat down
at a nice table in a lovely restaurant the other night, and once again I
heard those wonderful words that fill me with unabated glee...
I'M TIRED OF GETTING DUMPED
(Posted May 3, 2016)
Our 29 year old
daughter was over for dinner the other night and she had that excited glow
about her. That could only mean one thing...