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THE WORST NURSE
IN THE WORLD |
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As many readers know, I had back surgery a few weeks ago to
correct a long-standing pain in my right leg. The surgery seems to have
been successful, but to no one's surprise, the recovery has been
difficult.
Fortunately, I had someone by my side who was eager to wait
on me hand and foot, to heed my call, to always be standing by and
lovingly give me all the attention I need.
"YOU HAVE COVID??!!" I cried when my wife told me
she just tested positive, four days after my surgery. "YOU WENT
THREE YEARS WITHOUT GETTING IT! WHY NOW, JUST WHEN I NEED YOU THE
MOST??!!"
"Just bad luck, I guess," she replied, standing six
feet away from me. "I have no idea how I got it. I thought I was
immune, just like you."
As everyone knows, marriage is a competition in suffering. I
clearly had the upper hand with my back surgery, and now, out of nowhere,
she was back in the game. I wasn't happy about it.
"So far my symptoms are pretty mild, just a sore throat
and a slight cough," she said. "I can still take care of you,
but only from a distance."
It's estimated that at least 60% of Americans have had COVID.
We had dodged it for over three years. Our kids have had it, our friends
have had it---it seemed everyone has had it except us. Now my wife had
succumbed, at just the wrong time. Fortunately, my immaculate immune
system was still going strong.
"You should test," she said while conveniently
refusing to massage my legs. "I'm not going to get close to you now,
but I was close to you while I was waiting on you hand and foot."
I did have a very mild cough. I considered the alternatives.
If I tested positive, her advantage would be gone. I also wasn't going
anywhere, so it would be as good a time as any to isolate. Then again, the
last thing I needed after back surgery was a virus invading my recovering
body.
I decided eliminating her advantage was worth finding out. I
took the test.
"NEGATIVE!!!" I cried as I read the results, not
sure if I was pleased or disappointed. "I knew I was immune. Please
keep your disease-ridden body away from me."
"It will be my pleasure," she responded.
"You're on the mend, anyway. You don't need me as much as you did the
first few days."
"You mean those first few days when you were trying to
kill me by infecting me with COVID? You may be the worst nurse ever."
"Thank you," she replied. "And I'm pleased to
announce my nursing days are over. I have to take care of my COVID. You
can take care of yourself at this point. I don't want to infect you, so
you're on your own."
How convenient. Her suffering, mild as it was, put her on an
even keel with my suffering. I had to do something.
Luckily, my cough got slightly worse over the next couple of
days. I still felt perfectly fine, with no fever or chills, but it was
conceivable my immaculate immune system was adversely affected by my back
surgery. That made no sense, but I was grasping.
Besides, I'd barely seen my wife for a few days. She was
isolating , worried about infecting me. And enjoying her nursing
retirement.
"POSITIVE!" I cried, rushing into the kitchen with
my positive test and giving her a big hug. "You're back in the
nursing business, baby! How about a leg massage?"
Advantage me. The COVID infections now balanced out, and I
still had the back surgery recovery. I was a little disappointed about the
failure of my once immaculate immune system, but I'd get over it. I was
leading once again in the competition of suffering.
She was clearly disappointed, too. No one wants to see anyone
get COVID, especially if you're responsible for giving it to that person,
as she was to me. But she seemed to get over it pretty quickly, too.
"Looks like we'll be isolating together," she said.
"At least you had nothing planned because of your recovery. I've had
to cancel all kinds of outings."
"More time for leg massages," I said, retreating to
the couch and lying down in anticipation. "It's so good to have my
nurse back."
"Easy, COVID boy," she said, heading the other way.
"I'm going to give you another test. There's always hope it was a
false positive." |
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