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MAKE LOVE,
NOT WAR
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I'm very, very concerned. According to the latest polls, 50% of
Americans believe that there will be a civil war in our country "within
the next several years."
I hope that doesn't happen for a variety of reasons, not the
least of which is that my side will definitely get its collective butt
kicked.
Think about it. Say you're choosing sides for a war. Who
are you going to pick, The Proud Boys or the San Francisco Board of
Supervisors? That's a no-brainer if I ever saw one.
One side is built for war, and one side is not, generally
speaking. I'm somewhere in the middle of the political spectrum, but if
forced to choose sides, I would definitely lean left. And like many of my
left leaning compatriots, I would be a horrible soldier.
I can confirm this from when I played a few games of Paintball
many years ago. For those unfamiliar with this "sport," it is
played in rural, wooded areas and contestants are outfitted with protective
face gear and handed paintball rifles that shoot paint pellets like bullets.
When hit, the paint explodes on your clothing and you're eliminated from the
game.
You play on a team and the object is to capture the flag of the
opposing team, which is well guarded, and bring it back to your home base. I
didn't stand a chance.
In the first couple of games (you play three or four in a
day) I was killed instantly. I vividly remember foolishly walking into a den
of the enemy (who couldn't believe anyone could be that stupid) and getting
obliterated by a barrage of paint bullets.
In the last game, though, I survived the first few
minutes. I was hiding in the bushes, praying no one would see me. Alas, an
enemy soldier came walking up the path, unaware of my presence. I had him in
my sights, waiting for him to get closer before I registered my first kill.
My heart has never, ever, raced faster. I was petrified.
When he got within range, I jumped up and shakily shot him---in the foot.
By rule, he was eliminated. In reality, he would have
returned fire and eliminated the most inept soldier in the world. I'll never
forget it.
The other thing I won't forget is my conservative friend,
whom I'll call Rambo, racing through the trees and blasting the enemy with
incredible skill and tenacity. He was a hunter, and he'd found his
niche.
Rambo is not a Proud Boy, but he leans heavily right.
That's who I'd face in our civil war, and it wouldn't be pretty. I'm fairly
sure my cries of "DON'T SHOOT----I'M A MODERATE" would fall on
deaf ears.
In California, where I assume I'd be fighting, there is
no question the left far outnumbers the right. But the right has Rambo, and
the left has me. I haven't checked with Las Vegas, but I'd guess it's about
500-1 odds on me bringing home a win.
We'd also have a recruitment problem. While the right
would have lines outside their sign-up centers, their personal AK-47's
strapped over their shoulders, the left recruitment center would be a little
lonely. Most likely, a draft would have to be held.
We can only hope they don't do a lottery system like the
one that was instituted in the later years of the Vietnam War. It prompted
my father, who wrote a column for the San Francisco Chronicle for almost 50
years, to come up with the best title ever when writing about the lottery
system: "Who Needs an Unlucky Army?"
The left will need luck and a lot more. I hope I'm not
offending some very fine potential soldiers on the left.
For all I know, Gavin Newsom will make a fine General, although it's tough
to imagine his hair under a helmet. And I'm sure there's some Davy
Crockett's and Jim Bowie's out there on the left. Of course, that also
reminds me of the Alamo, and that didn't go too well.
Yes, I'm concerned. I think there's a lot of people
like me out there on the left and a lot of people like Rambo out there on
the right. And the more I think about it, the more I come to the same
conclusion, which I admit is a bit self-serving: Can't we all just get
along?
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