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THERE'S A REASON
FOR LAWYER JOKES |
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish? One
is a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
That's just one of hundreds of cruel "jokes" you
can find on the internet about lawyers. Almost everyone loves to take
shots at lawyers. How can such a noble, magnificent profession be so
maligned?
I'll tell you why.
Before I offer my latest example of why the legal profession
deserves the disdain hurled on it, let me make it clear that some of my
best friends are lawyers. At least they were some of my best
friends, before this column.
For that matter, I'm technically a lawyer, because I
graduated from law school with a law degree. But I'm not an attorney,
because I never took the state bar examination. I always liked to say I
took the Professional Ethics examination in my final year of law school.
When I passed, I decided I wasn't cut out to be an attorney. Another shot
at the legal profession.
I do love the law, though, and many of our best and brightest
minds practice diligently and ethically every day. The problem is that the
bad eggs ruin the reputation for the stalwarts.
The event that got me riled up about attorneys for the
umpteenth time was a lawsuit filed against my company for having a website
that was not accessible to the blind plaintiff.
I should be honored. There are over 133 MILLION websites in
the United States, very few of which have accessibility for the blind, and
these attorneys somehow picked mine. But we were served with the lawsuit,
and compensation was demanded.
I'm not suggesting that websites shouldn't be accessible to
anyone with disabilities. We've since spent thousands of dollars to
consultants who are doing their best to upgrade accessibility, which will
never be 100% perfect. But it would have been nice to know it was an issue
BEFORE being leveled with a lawsuit.
These attorneys could care less. They've got a seemingly
endless stream of dollars in their sights. Roughly 4000 lawsuits were
filed nationwide for website accessibility demands in 2021. That leaves,
by my estimate, about 132,554,327 websites that are vulnerable to lawsuits
by unscrupulous attorneys (and their unscrupulous plaintiffs).
"THIS IS EXTORTION," I cried to our company
attorney, whom I admire greatly, when he explained the law firm had
offered to dismiss the case for $12,000. "LET'S TAKE THE BASTARDS TO
COURT!!"
I was determined to fight. We had done our best to create
accessibility and were unaware of any failings. I told him to reject the
offer and that we would let a jury decide. We would win in the end, and
the 132,554,327 other websites would be eternally grateful.
"You might win, and you might lose," he replied.
"The courts have ruled both ways in the few cases that have gone to
trial. And besides my fees, if you lose you'd likely have to pay the other
firm's attorney's fees, which could run over $100,000."
So much for bravado. I meekly told him to at least threaten
to go to court, and hope they'd go away and pick on some other pigeon who
would just pay up without any trouble.
So he did. He rejected their settlement offer and told them
we were going to fight. They promptly filed with the court an 11 page
notice of "Deposition and Demand for Production of Documents."
All of it was boilerplate crap, which probably took them about an hour to
create.
Meanwhile, it would take us weeks to provide the ridiculous
amount of paperwork they were demanding. Then they would surely demand
more, along with more depositions. It would never end, and they knew it.
Extortion. After reading the 11 page document, I called our
attorney. "Settle with them," I whispered. "I'm a beaten
man."
He's still negotiating. It might be a little more than the
original offer. They'll want to teach me a lesson for daring to question
their resolve. They'll collect, and then move on to their next victim. How
they choose among 132 million candidates who, like my company, have no
idea their website is vulnerable, is still unclear. But choose they will.
What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer
riding a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Sorry, best friends and other wonderful attorneys. It's the
bad eggs I'm talking about, not the good ones.
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