MY EYES HAVE
SEEN THE GLORY
(Posted May 10, 2016)
My wife and I sat down at a nice table in a lovely
restaurant the other night, and once again I heard those wonderful words
that fill me with unabated glee.
"Damnit," she announced as the waiter handed her a
menu. "I forgot my reading glasses again."
Poor woman. Her contacts only allow her to see things far
away. She needs yet another crutch to read. And me, her superhuman husband
who is 61 years old, needs neither.
As always, I sat a little straighter in my chair, which
helped ease the stiffness in my lower back. I thrust my shoulders back,
ignoring the minor pain in my right clavicle, and proudly announced once
again that I wouldn't mind reading the menu to her.
"Aren't you impressed that I don't need any type
of glasses?" I said for the thousandth time. "How many 61 year
olds do you know who have perfect eyesight?"
She sighed mightily, knowing I wasn't about to let her
know what she could eat unless she gave me a compliment. I had her right
where I wanted her.
"You're amazing," she finally said. "Now
read me the menu."
It wasn't heartfelt, but I'd take it. I picked up
the menu and felt a slight twinge in my right wrist, which may or may not
be a little Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. "Want me to start with the wine
list?" I asked.
She nodded glumly. "It's awfully dark in
here," I announced, "but fortunately my eyes can even read
clearly with almost no light. How many 61 year olds can do
"I'll just have the house red, please. Move on to
I threw my head back and laughed, causing a searing
pain in my neck that I was certain caused instant paralysis. Fortunately,
it went away almost as fast as it occurred.
"You can't see this, but the menu has the item
listed, and then a detailed description of the item, which is in a very
tiny print. Would you like me to read you the description also? It's not a
problem for me because I have perfect eyes."
"Yes, I would like you to read the
description," she replied, and when I paused just long enough, she
It was my turn to sigh, letting her know how
exasperating it was to deal with people who didn't have perfect eyes. I
sighed again and attempted to cross my legs under the table, but I was
unsuccessful because of general stiffness.
When I finished reading the appetizers to the woman who
could not read a menu without glasses, I needed to take a break. I swung
my legs out from under the table and threw my right leg over my left,
almost pulling my groin.
I tried to look casual, but the position of my legs was
creating a dull pain in my right hip and right knee, so I quickly dropped
my leg back to the ground, easing the discomfort for the moment and
allowing me to focus on my perfect eyesight once again.
As I mindlessly and happily read through the entrees, I
tried to think of someone I knew who was close to my age who didn't wear
glasses. I couldn't think of anyone. When I finished reading the last
entrée to my visually impaired wife, I was filled with wonder at my
That's when my irregular heartbeat made its
Nothing new. Just harmless Premature Atrial
Contractions (PAC's) that occur every so often and make you think you're
about to die. I've had them all my life, and I'm still around with my
"So what are you going to have?" I asked,
exhausted from my charitable oratory.
"What was in the pasta again?" she replied.
"I can't remember."
Neither could I, but I could certainly read it again
with my perfect eyesight. So I did, and she made her choice. We were back
on even terms, with the notable exception that the rest of her body worked
fine, and mine didn't.
But that was okay. I knew the dessert menu was coming