MY EYES HAVE 
SEEN THE GLORY
(Posted May 10, 2016)

    My wife and I sat down at a nice table in a lovely restaurant the other night, and once again I heard those wonderful words that fill me with unabated glee.
   "Damnit," she announced as the waiter handed her a menu. "I forgot my reading glasses again." 
   Poor woman. Her contacts only allow her to see things far away. She needs yet another crutch to read. And me, her superhuman husband who is 61 years old, needs neither. 
    As always, I sat a little straighter in my chair, which helped ease the stiffness in my lower back. I thrust my shoulders back, ignoring the minor pain in my right clavicle, and proudly announced once again that I wouldn't mind reading the menu to her.
    "Aren't you impressed that I don't need any type of glasses?" I said for the thousandth time. "How many 61 year olds do you know who have perfect eyesight?" 
    She sighed mightily, knowing I wasn't about to let her know what she could eat unless she gave me a compliment. I had her right where I wanted her. 
    "You're amazing," she finally said. "Now read me the menu." 
     It wasn't heartfelt, but I'd take it. I picked up the menu and felt a slight twinge in my right wrist, which may or may not be a little Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. "Want me to start with the wine list?" I asked. 
    She nodded glumly. "It's awfully dark in here," I announced, "but fortunately my eyes can even read clearly with almost no light. How many 61 year olds can do that?" 
    "I'll just have the house red, please. Move on to the appetizers." 
    I threw my head back and laughed, causing a searing pain in my neck that I was certain caused instant paralysis. Fortunately, it went away almost as fast as it occurred. 
    "You can't see this, but the menu has the item listed, and then a detailed description of the item, which is in a very tiny print. Would you like me to read you the description also? It's not a problem for me because I have perfect eyes."
     "Yes, I would like you to read the description," she replied, and when I paused just long enough, she added, "Please." 
    It was my turn to sigh, letting her know how exasperating it was to deal with people who didn't have perfect eyes. I sighed again and attempted to cross my legs under the table, but I was unsuccessful because of general stiffness. 
    When I finished reading the appetizers to the woman who could not read a menu without glasses, I needed to take a break. I swung my legs out from under the table and threw my right leg over my left, almost pulling my groin. 
    I tried to look casual, but the position of my legs was creating a dull pain in my right hip and right knee, so I quickly dropped my leg back to the ground, easing the discomfort for the moment and allowing me to focus on my perfect eyesight once again. 
    As I mindlessly and happily read through the entrees, I tried to think of someone I knew who was close to my age who didn't wear glasses. I couldn't think of anyone. When I finished reading the last entrée to my visually impaired wife, I was filled with wonder at my incredible genes. 
     That's when my irregular heartbeat made its appearance.
     Nothing new. Just harmless Premature Atrial Contractions (PAC's) that occur every so often and make you think you're about to die. I've had them all my life, and I'm still around with my perfect eyesight. 
    "So what are you going to have?" I asked, exhausted from my charitable oratory. 
    "What was in the pasta again?" she replied. "I can't remember." 
    Neither could I, but I could certainly read it again with my perfect eyesight. So I did, and she made her choice. We were back on even terms, with the notable exception that the rest of her body worked fine, and mine didn't. 
    But that was okay. I knew the dessert menu was coming soon.

 

 

 

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