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WHEN TIMES ARE
TOUGH, GO BIG |
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With fires raging, business plummeting, social interaction
waning, and various other maladies affecting my psyche, there was only one
thing I could do to bolster my outlook.
Get a bigger television.
"I'm feeling inadequate," I said to my wife as we
watched Episode 7 of Season 27 (or so it seemed) of a murder mystery that
could have been solved in Episode 1 of Season 1. "50 inches doesn't
do it for me anymore."
"There's nothing wrong with our television," she
replied. "We don't need a bigger one."
Oh, yes we do, and I'm not alone. The price of humongous
televisions has dropped dramatically over the years, and more and more
consumers are buying bigger ones, especially during the pandemic. Sales of
65 inch or larger televisions increased 53% in the first six months of
2020.
"You're just upset that Bob has a 75 incher," she
continued. "I never realized how shallow you could be."
"You don't know me," I answered, aghast that she
could think the size of my friend's television would have any impact on my
needs. I quickly surveyed the room. "I could care less that Bob has a
bigger television than me. Do you think an 80 incher would fit over the
fireplace?"
Apparently, judging by my wife's reaction, an 80 incher
wasn't going to fit anywhere, especially over the fireplace. My suggestion
that because of endless Spare the Air days we just replace the entire
fireplace with an 80 inch television (for environmental reasons) didn't go
over well, either.
The only solution was to reconfigure the cabinet that held
the piddling little 50 incher so that it could absorb the big, manly,
ego-boosting 80 incher that would make all my friends, including Bob,
insanely jealous.
"Not a chance," my wife said when I presented my
grandiose plan. "It would look ridiculous and overwhelm the
room."
That was exactly the plan, but I clearly wasn't going to be
successful. Marriage is one compromise after another, and it was time to
compromise. Reconfiguring the cabinet for a 65 incher was all I was going
to get.
I went to Best Buy and picked out a Samsung anti-glare 65
inch beauty. It wasn't what I originally had in mind, and I was a little
disappointed that I could actually fit it in the back of my SUV, but it
would have to do.
My spirits were lifted a bit when I chose the mounting arm
that would attach to the reconfigured cabinet. I decided not to mention to
my wife that it extended the television about three feet from the wall.
The 65 incher just got a lot bigger.
I got everything home and lugged the huge box from the car
and into the house, where it sat for two weeks while we tried to find
someone competent enough to install it. That was definitely not going to
be me.
Eventually, we found someone, and he did a spectacular job
hanging the mount, positioning the sound bar, setting up the internet,
organizing the various cables, programming the remote, and making me look
totally incompetent.
I could care less. When he turned on my new 65 inch baby and
the pristine, no-glare, immaculate picture came to life, I was thrilled. I
happily paid him $250 for his expertise, and sat down to watch some
sports.
I pulled it out from the wall and it felt like an 80 incher.
I could see the beads of sweat dripping from faces. I changed the channel
and there was a soap opera on. I could see who had plastic surgery and who
didn't. This was heaven.
I heard the front door open and knew it was my wife coming
home. I couldn't wait to show her our new friend. My only quandary was
whether I should show it with the three foot extension, or save that for
later. I decided to give her the whole package.
"Oh, my God, it's huge!!" she cried when she walked
into the room. "Great picture, but it's just overwhelming."
Exactly the reaction I was looking for, I thought, as I
proudly got up and quietly pushed the television back three feet and into
the cabinet. "Is that better?" I asked.
"Much better," she replied, sitting down to enjoy the
high-quality resolution. "Now it looks as though it almost fits the
room."
I had to agree the extension might have been a bit much. I'll
probably just bring it out when Bob comes over.
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