THE ONLY GOOD SONG 
IS AN OLD SONG

    Not one to miss out on a hot new trend, I decided the other day to get an Ipod, or whatever it is they call it these days.
   Actually, I have one of those newfangled Iphones, and I finally realized that the Ipod is built into the phone, so I figured it was time to tap my vast musical repertoire and load some songs for my eternal enjoyment.
   I tapped the Itunes icon and went to work, triggering my memory with every selection. By the time I was done, I had purchased 72 separate songs for the seemingly bargain price of 99 cents to $1.29 each. Almost all of my old favorites were now on my Ipod, or whatever it's called.
   Now some may say my taste in music could use a little work. That would include pretty much everyone I know. I happen to be stuck in a time warp and can't get out, primarily because I don't want to. But I couldn't wait to share my new music with my wife.
   "NO, PLEASE NO!!!" she cried when I told her we were going to listen to my new tunes during our four-hour drive to the mountains last weekend. "I'll jump out of the car."
   I decided to take that risk. I plugged it in and off we went. First up was Peter, Paul and Mary's "Leaving on a Jet Plane."
   I started singing along, just like I did when I put the kids to bed many years ago. It was one of three songs (the others were Puff the Magic Dragon and Blowing in the Wind) that I knew all the words by heart, with or without music. But when my wife reached for the door handle, I decided to compromise and shut up.
   I had set my new music to shuffle mode, so I had no idea what gem would come up next. Sure enough, I got lucky. It was Englebert Humperdinck's "Winter World of Love."
   "You've got to be kidding," said my wife, incredulous. "No one listens to this crap."
    I was offended. I wasn't a huge Englebert Humperdinck fan, but "Winter World of Love" is one of his classics. I listened to it before going out on dates in high school. Fortunately, I never told my dates.
    My wife made it through that one, barely, and then suffered through a couple of Neil Diamond hits, followed by some acceptable Simon and Garfunkel tunes. I was humming along. My wife was not.
    "You ought to widen your horizons a bit," I said as Frank Sinatra's "My Way" resonated through the car. "You obviously don't appreciate golden oldies."
    "Frank Sinatra's been dead for 20 years!" she cried. "You need to move on."
    Frank finished doing it his way, and he was immediately followed in the shuffle by Herman's Hermits singing "I'm Henery the 8th, I am, Henery the 8th I am, I am."
    "THAT'S IT, TURN IT OFF OR I'M JUMPING OUT!!!!"
    We were going 70 miles per hour. I was pretty confident she was kidding. But just in case, I turned down the volume a bit.
    "Do you have any song on your stupid phone that was recorded after 1980?" she asked after she calmed down a bit.
    "Why would I?" I replied. "I stopped listening to music about then. I don't know any new songs."
    She buried her face in her hands. She was finding it hard to believe that the man she married had absolutely no taste in music whatsoever.
    Coincidentally, the next song after Herman's Hermits had finished was Tower of Power's "You're Still a Young Man." That happened to be the song we played as our first dance at our wedding.
    "You have to like this one," I announced. "We picked it for our wedding."
    "It's okay," she replied. "I don't know. It doesn't sound the same. I think it's guilt by association or something. My ears have been ruined."
    She sat through it without complaining, though, so I took that to be a good sign. All was well. Unfortunately, it was followed by another Englebert Humperdinck classic that I had forgotten I had bought.
    Luckily, we were in the far right lane when she ejected.
 

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