THIS DOCTOR HAS
ALL THE ANSWERS
Editor's Note: It's time for yet another installment
from our esteemed advice columnist, that Doctor of Communications himself,
known to his legion of fans as simply Doctor C.
Dear Dr. C: I've been married for over 40 years to the
same wonderful woman. She knows absolutely everything about me. She's heard
all my stories and remembers all my jokes. We're about to embark on a three
week vacation where we'll be together 24 hours a day. We'll eat every meal
together, just the two of us. So my question is simple-what the hell
are we going to talk about? Signed, Speechless in Seattle.
Dear Speechless: You're pretty much screwed. Some people
are just natural talkers, and you obviously aren't one of them. And if your
wife isn't a natural talker, and it sounds like she isn't, you're both going
to have to accept the fact that no subject is interesting enough to get you
through an hour and a half dinner, let alone the rest of the day. Accept the
fact that there will be long silences between the two of you at the dinner
table and ignore the people around you who are looking at you like you're
the two biggest losers in the world. Silence is golden. But whatever you do,
don't pull out your smart phones and study them, pretending to be busy. That
is the true loser look.
Dear Dr. C: I'm trying to organize a big party for my
60th birthday and I have sent out invitations to a bunch of people. A few
responded immediately, but I haven't heard back from many others. Should I
keep hounding them or should I assume they're not interested in attending
and forget about them? Signed, Party Girl in Piedmont
Dear Party Girl: Some people are slugs. Dr. C admires
anyone who organizes anything. The world is divided between Inviters and
Invitees, and Invitees should worship at the feet of Inviters, because
without them they would never do anything. Dr. C happens to be an Inviter,
but that makes sense since Dr. C. has a Masters in Communication. Dr. C
organizes lunches, dinners, liars dice tournaments, tennis and golf games,
vacations, parties and romantic getaways (with the appropriate partner). So
when Dr. C gets an invitation from anyone to do anything, Dr. C responds
immediately and thanks them for thinking of him and taking the time to
organize the event. Dr. C hopes that rant answers your question.
Party Girl in Piedmont: Not really.
Dear Party Girl: If they don't answer immediately, let
them know that they are ungrateful twits and you refuse to chase them to get
an answer as to whether they're available and willing to grace you with
their presence at an event that is taking you hours and hours to organize.
Party Girl in Piedmont: Got it.
Dear Dr. C: I am very lonely. My phone never rings and
the only emails and texts I get are from mass marketers. I used to have lots
of friends, but I never hear from them anymore. What happened? Signed:
Friendless in Fresno
Dear Friendless: Dr. C is going to go out on a limb and
guess that you're an Invitee and not an Inviter. There's nothing wrong with
being an Invitee, as there are millions and millions just like you. However,
in Dr. C's Master Thesis, Dr. C. discussed the difference between Reclusive
Invitees and Non-Reclusive Invitees. You are clearly in the former category.
After years of extensive research, Dr. C. has discovered that if you want to
receive a phone call, it is best to MAKE a phone call. If you want to
receive an email, it is best to SEND an email. Remarkably, the same holds
true with texting. Non-Reclusive Invitees, to which you should aspire to be,
will be rewarded with invitations from Inviters. Reclusive Invitees will be
forever ignored and be buried next to Eleanor Rigby.
Dear Dr. C: A friend from Piedmont named Party Girl
invited me to her 60th birthday party. I'm not sure if I want to go. I don't
really like parties all that much and I'm a very busy guy. Her invitation is
sitting on my desk and I just can't decide what I should do with it. Should
I accept, decline or just ignore it and hope she doesn't push the idea?
Signed, Confused in Concord
Dear Confused: You're an ungrateful little twit.