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SUFFERING ALWAYS
LIKES SOME COMPANY |
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My wife and I have had many battles over the years, but
there's always room for one more. We have found it in fighting over who is
suffering more from poor sleep habits.
This is a battle that was simply no contest for all the years
of our marriage until recently. I've always been a poor sleeper, and my
wife never had any trouble sleeping through the night. All sympathy went
to me, which was how I liked it.
Not anymore. About a year ago, my wife was recruited into the
sleeping wars. Let the competition in suffering begin.
"I didn't get to sleep until 12:30," she announced
in a typical conversation the other morning. "And then woke up again
at 4:30."
"That's four straight hours of sleep," I retorted.
"I should be so lucky. I woke up every two hours last night."
"Well, you weren't awake when I was awake, that's
for sure," she said. "You were snoring like a freight
train."
She was exaggerating, of course. I don't snore. I've told her
that many times, but she doesn't seem to believe me. I'm really not sure
why she pushes me in the middle of the night. I never hear anything.
"It's not me that's bothering your sleep," I
told her. "It's your suprachiasmatic nucleus that is disrupting
your circadian rhythms in the part of your brain called the
hypothalamus."
"Huh?"
She was clearly too weary from lack of sleep to understand.
So I put it in layman's terms. "You're getting old."
I went on to explain to the poor sleep-deprived woman that as
people get older, their sleep patterns change due to the effects of an
aging suprachiasmatic nucleus. There's really nothing she can do about it.
"There's supposed to be about 20,000 cells in your
hypothalamus," I gently explained. "Or at least there were. It's
just a guess, but I'd bet we're down to about 5000. It sucks getting
old."
She was beginning to understand. "After last
night's sleep, I'm not sure I have any hypothalamus cells left.
There's got to be something I can do."
As a certified long-time lousy sleeper, I let her know
that she can try a variety of remedies like melatonin and CBD that have
been suggested to me over the years from sympathetic non-sleepers.
Everyone has a miracle remedy. None of them worked.
And neither one of us want to go the drug route.
Dementia will come soon enough---no need to rush it along. We wanted to
stimulate our hypothalamus and our suprachiasmatic nucleus the natural
way.
"I've got a few tips," I said as I perused
some suggestions from the internet. "They're pretty
obvious--exercise, keep a regular sleep schedule, develop a bedtime
routine, and avoid substances that discourage sleep, like caffeine,
alcohol and late night meals."
She looked over my shoulder as I read the list, and
noticed I left one out. "It also says 'reduce bedroom
distractions.'"
Damn. I was hoping she didn't see that one. "Does
this mean I'm out?" I sheepishly asked.
"That depends," she answered. "Are you
prepared to stop reading when you go to bed?"
She was referring to me coming to bed after she had
finally fallen asleep and turning on the light to read. I might as well
have set off a nuclear bomb, based on her usual reaction.
"It's the only way I can get to sleep!" I argued,
continuing the competition in suffering. The next thing you'll ask is for
me to not get up three times a night to go to the bathroom."
"Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you'd take the
tambourine out of the toilet," she responded, exaggerating just a
bit.
"What about you?" I said, meekly fighting
back. "You can make some pretty strange noises in the middle of the
night, too."
"You're not suggesting....."
"Absolutely not," I quickly replied,
relishing my life. "And even if you did, I would never complain like
you do."
In the end, we decided to stick it out together. Our
hypothalamus cells might be dwindling, but the rest of our brain cells
seemed to be doing just fine.
And I had to admit, it was kind of nice to have a
suitable combatant in the never-ending competition in suffering. I had
been winning far too often. |
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