When I am King, one of my first acts will be to outlaw sexual
intercourse during the month of March.
That may sound harsh, but it is for the common good, and that's
what being a good King is all about. I can think of no other way to protect
future generations from having December birthdays.
My wife has a December birthday, and I've had about enough of
it. It's coming up next week, and every year it's the same thing. I think
and think and think about what to get her and if I'm lucky, I'll come up
with something that makes her relatively grateful.
Next thing you know, it's Christmas Eve and I've got to go
through the whole process again. I'll have just given her a nice present,
and now she'll expect another one? How much brainpower can any man have? I
need more time to recharge.
December birthdays are just plain difficult. My parents were
wise enough to have me conceived in September, giving me a birthday of June
21st, almost exactly six months removed from Christmas. Now that's planning.
Meanwhile, my wife's father just couldn't wait a few months. He
died a few years ago, but after I struggled with December gift ideas for the
zillionth time, I distinctly remember calling him at his home in Canada
before he died and explaining my gift-giving problem to him.
Then I asked him the obvious question: "WHAT WERE YOU
I remember him pausing, perhaps trying to remember those
glorious times back in the 1950's. Finally, with a slight chuckle, he gave
me the predictable answer: "Not much."
He knew they celebrated Christmas in Canada. He basically had
no excuse. He had simply gone braindead on that March day long, long ago.
As a man, I could understand. That's why I told him to hand the
phone to my wife's mother. Surely, she would have had some sense of
responsibility. I repeated my predicament to her.
"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" I asked.
She giggled as she remembered. "Not much," she replied.
They clearly had no regrets, even though they had to spend many
years doubling up on toy purchases in December as my wife was growing up.
But between Barbie outfits and fire trucks, they had plenty to choose from.
I don't have that luxury. My wife is much more picky than she
was as a 10 year old. Trying to find something she'll appreciate is not
easy. Trying to do it twice in one month is pretty much impossible.
No one deserves presents two weeks in a row. It's just not
right. I'll think of something, but I'm not happy about it.
Needless to say, it's not easy for the recipient, either. It's
only natural that those with December birthdays get shortchanged at some
point in their lives. They have to compete with Christmas parties, New
Year's Eve, and most importantly, they have to deal with unimaginative gift
givers like myself.
All December birthdays are tough, but some are even worse. I
know they're out there, but I don't think I've ever met anyone who was born
on Christmas Day. I can only imagine how traumatic that would be. I'm sure
there's a way to put a positive spin on it, though. I certainly wish them
It may be too late for them, but there's hope for the future.
You read it here first. When I become King, I am outlawing sexual
intercourse in March and perhaps the first 10 days of April, just to be
As a benevolent King, I will consider making exceptions for
certain religions who don't celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah. I'll just
create another blackout month for their respective celebrations. No one said
being King was going to be easy.
Future generations will hail me as a visionary. Past
generations, and especially those poor lost souls with December birthdays,
will mourn that I wasn't King when their parents negligently conceived them.
To be fair, I'm not the first to suggest that parents practice
better planning when conceiving a child. My inspiration was a local sports
columnist. In a 1985 column, in all seriousness (unlike this column), he
chastised Joe and Jennifer Montana for having the distraction of a baby due
in late January, right when the 49ers were preparing to play in the Super
He was fired shortly thereafter. Obviously, he should have
praised them for avoiding a December birthday.