AGING WELL CAN
BE VERY REWARDING
I have a good friend who is
turning 70 this year. He is a prime physical specimen, looking and acting
far younger than his years, so I would like to officially nominate him for
induction into the Aging Hall Of Fame (AHOF).
Iím sure there are some
who havenít heard of this esteemed organization. Thatís because I
recently made it up. However, AHOF has made great strides in its infancy,
as witnessed by the large number of inquiries already received. Let me
share some of them with you.
Dear AHOF: I heard
about the Aging Hall Of Fame and desperately want to be included. I am 65,
in great health, with no grey hair and the whitest teeth youíve ever
seen. I also have sex twice daily. Can I get in? Signed, Joe from
Dear Joe: First
of all, you need to be at least 70 to be considered. Youíre five years
away and much can happen, none of which you want to hear about. But if youíre
having sex twice a day, that means youíll have 3650 liasons (365 x 5 x
2) in the next five years, meaning youíll be dead, anyway, so donít
worry about the AHOF. But have fun while it lasts.
Dear AHOF: Are women
eligible for induction? Signed, Hazel from Miami
Dear Hazel: No.
Dear AHOF: Why not? Signed,
Peturbed from Miami.
If you must know, itís because thereís some women I know who would
kill me if they got excluded. So itís best to leave all of them out. Youíre
welcome to come to the annual banquet, though, especially if you think you
would have been eligible for a Womenís AHOF, if there was one.
Dear AHOF: Youíre
a jerk. Signed, Homicidal from Miami.
Forget the banquet.
Dear AHOF: Iím 75
years old, male, and in tip-top condition. I look good, feel good and
expect to live at least another 25 years, especially with the help of the
human growth hormone Iíve been taking. Would I be eligible for the Aging
Hall of Fame ? Signed, Maurice from Buffalo.
Good question. My 70 year old friend, who is being inducted into AHOF this
year, has never taken steroids, or so he says. He claims the shots in his
butt delivered by his personal female trainer were nothing more than
harmless fun after a grueling workout. It was just something she liked to
do, but no drugs were involved.
Dear AHOF: You didnít
answer my question. Signed, Maurice
Dear Maurice: Youíre
out. Be more discreet next lifetime.
Dear AHOF: I have two new
knees, a new shoulder and a new hip. But Iím 66 and feeling better than
ever. Most of my other body parts work fabulously, if you know what I
mean. What are my chances of getting into the Aging Hall Of Fame? Signed,
George from New Jersey.
Replacement parts are a red flag. They donít disqualify you per se, but
if I were you, Iíd work on making it to 70 without any more surgeries.
By that time there could be an AHOF Refurbished Edition, and youíd be a
Dear AHOF: Is induction
into the Aging Hall of Fame permanent? What if I get hit by a truck two
months after I get into AHOF? Signed, Pete from New Orleans.
Dear Pete: Iíd call
that bad luck. AHOF honorees must live at least ten years after induction
to maintain their standing. The Nominating Committee (that would be me)
would be very unhappy and embarrassed if you were to pass on before
vesting. However, after 10 years you can eat and drink and loaf around as
much as you want, as you will have attained Tenure Status. You canít be
kicked out, but there will be an asterisk on your name if you donít make
Dear AHOF: What
happens if I reach 90? Signed, Hopeful Pete
Dear Hopeful Pete:
You reach Emeritus Status. AHOF currently has two Emeritus Members, both
of whom remain very active and healthy. They are true Aging Hall of Famers,
and all of us should look to them for guidance. I did, and they told me to
Dear AHOF: Are you
an AHOF inductee? Signed, Fred from Palm Springs.
Dear Clueless Fred:
First of all, at 55 Iím not even close to being old yet. Secondly, after
the next 15 years of plastic surgery, steroids and replacement parts, Iím
pretty much a shoo-in. But donít tell anyone.