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AGING WELL CAN
BE VERY REWARDING
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I have a good friend who is turning 70 this year. He is a prime
physical specimen, looking and acting far younger than his years, so I would
like to officially nominate him for induction into the Aging Hall Of Fame (AHOF).
I'm sure there are some who haven't heard of this esteemed
organization. That's because I recently made it up. However, AHOF has made
great strides in its infancy, as witnessed by the large number of inquiries
already received. Let me share some of them with you.
Dear AHOF: I heard about the Aging Hall Of Fame and
desperately want to be included. I am 65, in great health, with no grey hair
and the whitest teeth you've ever seen. I also have sex twice daily. Can
I get in? Signed, Joe from Milwaukee.
Dear Joe: First of all, you need to be at least 70 to be
considered. You're five years away and much can happen, none of which you
want to hear about. But if you're having sex twice a day, that means you'll
have 3650 liasons (365 x 2 x 5) in the next five years, meaning you'll be
dead by the time you turn 70, so don't worry about the AHOF. But have fun
while it lasts.
Dear AHOF: Are women eligible for induction? Signed,
Hazel from Miami
Dear Hazel: No.
Dear AHOF: Why not? Signed, Peturbed from Miami.
Dear Peturbed: If you must know, it's because there's
some women I know who would kill me if they got excluded. So it's best to
leave all of them out. You're welcome to come to the annual banquet, though,
especially if you think you would have been eligible for a Women's AHOF, if
someone was insane enough to start one.
Dear AHOF: You're a jerk. Signed, Homicidal from
Miami.
Dear Homicidal: Forget the banquet.
Dear AHOF: I'm 75 years old, male, and in tip-top
condition. I look good, feel good and expect to live at least another 25
years, especially with the help of the human growth hormone I've been
taking. Would I be eligible for the Aging Hall of Fame? Signed, Maurice
from Buffalo.
Dear Maurice: Good question. My 70 year old friend, who
is being inducted into AHOF this year, has never taken steroids, or so he
says. He claims the shots in his butt delivered by his personal female
trainer were nothing more than harmless fun after a grueling workout. It was
just something she liked to do, but no drugs were involved.
Dear AHOF: You didn't answer my question. Signed,
Maurice
Dear Maurice: You're out. Be more discreet next lifetime.
Dear AHOF: I have two new knees, a new shoulder and a
new hip. But I'm 66 and feeling better than ever. Most of my other body
parts work fabulously, if you know what I mean. What are my chances of
getting into the Aging Hall Of Fame? Signed, George from New Jersey.
Dear George: Replacement parts are a red flag. They
don't disqualify you per se, but if I were you, I'd work on making it to 70
without any more surgeries. By that time there could be an AHOF Refurbished
Edition, and you'd be a prime candidate.
Dear AHOF: Is induction into the Aging Hall of Fame
permanent? What if I get hit by a truck two months after I get into AHOF? Signed,
Pete from New Orleans.
Dear Pete: I'd call that bad luck. AHOF honorees must
live at least ten years after induction to maintain their standing. The
Nominating Committee would be very unhappy and embarrassed if you were to
pass on before vesting. However, after 10 years you can eat and drink and
loaf around as much as you want, as you will have attained Tenure Status.
You can't be kicked out, but there will be an asterisk on your name if you
don't make 90.
Dear AHOF: What happens if I reach 90? Signed,
Hopeful Pete
Dear Hopeful Pete: You reach Emeritus Status. AHOF
currently has two Emeritus Members, both of whom remain very active and
healthy. They are true Aging Hall of Famers, and all of us should look to
them for guidance.
Dear AHOF: Are you an AHOF inductee? Signed, Fred
from Palm Springs.
Dear Clueless Fred: First of all, at 64 I'm not even
close to being old yet. Secondly, after the next six years of plastic
surgery, steroids and replacement parts, I'm pretty much a shoo-in. But
don't tell anyone.
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