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EASTER EGG HUNTS
CAN BE LUCRATIVE
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Easter Sunday is almost upon us, so it is time for some of us to think about
Jesus Christ rising from the dead and, coincidentally, time to think about
where to hide the eggs.
Personally, not being a particularly religious type, I
spend most of my time thinking about the eggs. While rising from the dead
deserves all the accolades it can get, I've got my own job to do. That means
coming up with strategic hiding places for a bunch of plastic eggs.
This is not as easy as one might think, especially as your
children get older. Now that my four kids are in their 20's and 30's, and
their cousins are about the same age, Easter egg hunts are not the cute
little extended family gatherings they once were. Not only are the kids
slightly smarter, they're also far more jaded. Consequently, I've got to
find tougher hiding places, and load the eggs with cash.
Believe me, it's not that easy to get a 26 year old or a 33
year old to join in an Easter egg hunt. Jellybeans don't do it anymore. But
load a golden egg with a $20 bill and watch them scrape and claw their way
past siblings and cousins in an effort to find it. Now that's fun.
Add a whole bunch of $1 eggs, a few $5 eggs and a couple of $10
eggs and then stand back as chaos breaks out. Especially when the hiding
places are where no five year old would ever dream of looking.
I've always been in charge of hiding eggs. Over the years
various brothers-in-law have attempted to assist me, but they were quickly
dismissed. It's an art, and I've got it down.
It's difficult to explain. Maybe the best example was when I
gently hid the golden egg in my 93 year old grandmother's perfectly coiffed
hair. She was happily watching the hunt, not knowing she was packing the big
prize. It was an ugly scene once I hinted to the kids that the egg was
somewhere on her body. I'm surprised she lived another six years.
There's been other classics. Exhaust pipes, carburetor
compartments, pool drains, grandfather's pants (ankle area), middle of rose
bushes, deep in a poison oak patch (that was a mistake), inside stuffed
animals and hundreds of other non-obvious places.
But things are beginning to change. The cycle of life
cannot be stopped. There is a rule that once you have children of your own,
you are eliminated from the family Easter egg hunt. I know it sounds unfair,
but those are the rules.
Two cousins have already been disqualified, and my 35 year old
daughter is pregnant with our first grandchild, so Sunday will be her last
Easter egg hunt. She's lobbying for a head start as part of her Farewell
Tour, but it's not going to happen.
Meanwhile, three little grand nieces are rising up the ladder.
I can still dismiss two of them, since they're clueless two year olds, but
the four year old is now a player, and I've got to reluctantly deal with
her.
This means hiding some eggs, much to my chagrin, in plain sight
where only a complete knucklehead could miss them. Then I'll watch as the
four year old, given a head start, will squeal with delight when she
practically trips over an egg, and her parents will beam proudly as she puts
it in her basket. The best news is that it will be filled with candy. No
point wasting cash on her.
Once she's filled her basket, I'll unleash the big kids who
have yet to procreate. Never mind that they're all successful in their
chosen careers and are financially secure. There's something about a $20 egg
that brings out the shark in everyone.
As of this writing, I'm not sure where the golden egg or some
of the money eggs will be hidden. A professional egg hider like me never
knows for sure until the last moment. I have to rely on instinct.
I am making a conscious effort to be less destructive, though.
Many a car and furniture have been practically destroyed (let alone stuffed
animals and 93 year old grandmothers) by frenzied older Easter egg hunters
looking for cash to fund their Saturday nights.
But then again, with my daughter pregnant, it's the end of an
era. I'll definitely have to come up with something spectacular. Not sure
what it will be, but it won't be pretty.
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