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It’s time once again for
that wildly popular feature, "Ask Dr. Business", where I answer
tough, sometimes controversial questions about the business world with
sincerity and simplicity.
Dear Dr. Business:
I own a retail gift store with no lease restrictions as to what I can
sell. A hot new line of merchandise has come out that has heavy sexual
overtones. I’m very offended by the items, but I think they‘ll sell
well to the sleazy customers that come in my store. Should I buy the new
line? -- Prissy in Philly
Dear Prissy:
We all have our limits. As a fellow retailer, I understand your dilemma.
For instance, should a salesperson offer Dr. Business a fantastic deal on
nuclear warheads, I would probably say I wasn’t interested. Probably.
This is a decision you have to make for
yourself. But remember one thing – you can’t pay the bills with your
virtue. Life is a compromise, but can you compromise your virtue? Dr.
Business would need more information on the profit margin of the sleazy
sex items before answering that question.
Dear Dr. Business:
I am a top executive in a mid-sized biotechnology firm. Two of my key
management people, whom I’ll call Ken and Barbie, have apparently fallen
in love. What should I do? - Confused in Dallas
Dear Confused:
Find another job, quickly. Your company is about to go down the tubes.
Please understand – Dr. Business is a big fan of love. But there’s a
place for it, and it is not at work.
Mark my words, Ken and Barbie will
destroy your company. Their love will either end in heartbreak, marriage
or both. Whatever happens, your office will be the third wheel in a ménage
a trios. It will be a roller coaster and you will be forced to ride
with them into the messy world of the lovelorn. Sadly, Ken and Barbie,
those productive workaholics, will never be the same.
Dr. Business, however, would never
suggest impeding the freight train (roller coaster sounds like too much
fun) of love. Simply confirm that Ken and Barbie are presently happy with
their situation and, if so, damn your bad luck and start printing your
resume.
Dear Dr. Business:
I am a middle-aged male who recently began work as a major decision maker
for the biggest company in the world. I’m a pretty powerful guy, and I
get hit on by lots of gals who work in my office. It’s affecting my
work. I’ve tried talking to my colleagues about the problem, but they
can’t seem to agree on anything. What should I do? – Clarence T.,
Washington, D.C.
Dear Clarence:
Sexual harassment in the workplace is a very serious matter. Dr. Business
is very sensitive to the thousands of women who are victimized each year
by lecherous goats, young and old, who manipulate their business
associations to ply their libido. On the other hand, Dr. Business has
personally never been the victim of sexual harassment and, frankly, I’m
a little upset about that, too.
Sorry. Please don’t get the wrong
impression. Dr. Business does not condone sexual harassment in any way,
shape or form. I suggest, Clarence (and I know who you are), that you
deter your admirers by talking about porno films or the source of stray
hairs on your Coke can. It has obviously worked very well for you in the
past.
Dear Dr. Business:
I also write an advice column, but I am not nearly as popular as you. What
is your secret? How can I expand my little column to the dizzying heights
you have achieved? You are my master. Tell me what to do. – Ann
Landers, Chicago
Dear Ann:
Thank you for your kind words. Dr. Business certainly understands the
frustrations of his competition. Unfortunately for you, I am not about to
divulge my secrets, so stop pestering me.
Dr. Business welcomes letters
from readers. Unlike Ann Landers and other pretenders to his throne, the
scope of his knowledge goes beyond life to the magical world of business.
Send your questions to Dr. Business, 211 Jefferson St., San Francisco,
94133. |
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