Because I have an opening for a
full-time bookkeeper, I sat down to write a classified ad for the
help-wanted section.
This was not an easy task. Deciding
whether the money saved by reducing "experienced" to exper’d,
to exper., to exp’d, to exp., to x’d is worth the possible loss of
communication is a decision not faced by many top executives.
Big businesses don’t have this
problem. They use logos, big and bold type, and actually spell out entire
words.
When the classified ad salesperson
tells them they have only one word in the 20th and last line
and can reduce their cost by abbreviating "full time" to F/T,
they shrug and say leave it.
Not me. I came up with the following
for my ad: Bkkpr FT x’d. Fam’L w/acc-pac bmi, lotus etc. Imm opn’g
sal neg exc ben. Lt tel, fax res.
I’ll get some responses from the more
adventurous sort, and then I’ll sift through them, conduct some
interviews and hopefully luck out and hire someone who is the perfect
employee.
Just once, though, I’d like to place
an ad with no concern for cost. Maybe the perfect employee would read it
and come knocking on my door. But where would I find a newspaper that
would give me the space to do so?
Heh, heh, heh.
***
Hello, readers, I’m looking for a
BOOKKEEPER. That’s right, a BOOKKEEPER. The applicant, male or female,
must be experienced (Webster’s definition: wise or skillful in a
particular field through experience) in all phases of bookkeeping,
including but not limited to, every computer software program yet devised
by man (or woman). Applicant must also have knowledge and skill in
accounts payable. More specifically, because any bozo can write a check,
applicant must have skill in explaining to creditors why the checks
have not been sent. Imagination is essential. Charm and patience while
dealing with extremely rude, insensitive soon-to-be-bankrupt creditors is
vital.
Applicant must also have special
skills in accounts receivable. While massive physical strength and a
history of getting what you want is not required, it is helpful. At the
very least, applicant must have the ability to speak on the telephone with
different accents, preferably Sicilian.
Applicant must be a hard worker,
willing to sacrifice every other aspect of life for this position,
including sleep. Applicant should have no hobbies and prefer to see family
and friends sparingly, it at all.
Applicant must never be sick. Only upon
being carried kicking and screaming out of the office in a stretcher (by
medical personnel called by concerned co-workers) should the applicant
miss a day’s work.
Applicant will receive a generous
amount of vacation time each year, which should be shunned in favor of
working. Applicant will continue to accrue unused vacation time until
death of applicant.
Applicant must have good rapport with
co-workers, excellent communications skills and the ability to convince a
fellow employee that the concept of paying time and half for overtime will
eventually bring about the downfall of American business.
Applicant, upon receiving each
paycheck, must show genuine surprise, and then elation.
Applicant must never leave the company
on their own volition. Applicant should be prepared to pledge their
eternal loyalty to the company and assume the position is for life, which
it will be unless the company is sold, goes out of business or the
applicant is fired.
If you think you meet the above
requirements, this wonderful and challenging position in our exciting and
growing company could be yours. Simply fax your resume, along with the
name of the therapist you are currently seeing.
***
There. Now that I’ve advertised for
the perfect employee, I can sit back and wait for the flood of faxes. My
only problem will be how to choose from such a wealth of loyal, selfless,
industrious and competent men and women.
But when that choice is made, and I’ve
sold all the others resumes to the highest bidders (wait until you see my
advertisement for that gold mine), I’ll have a pocketful of cash and a
perfect employee on my staff.
Counting computers, that would
make two. |
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