Search for the perfect worker

   Because I have an opening for a full-time bookkeeper, I sat down to write a classified ad for the help-wanted section.
   This was not an easy task. Deciding whether the money saved by reducing "experienced" to experíd, to exper., to expíd, to exp., to xíd is worth the possible loss of communication is a decision not faced by many top executives.
   Big businesses donít have this problem. They use logos, big and bold type, and actually spell out entire words.
   When the classified ad salesperson tells them they have only one word in the 20th and last line and can reduce their cost by abbreviating "full time" to F/T, they shrug and say leave it.
   Not me. I came up with the following for my ad: Bkkpr FT xíd. FamíL w/acc-pac bmi, lotus etc. Imm opníg sal neg exc ben. Lt tel, fax res.
   Iíll get some responses from the more adventurous sort, and then Iíll sift through them, conduct some interviews and hopefully luck out and hire someone who is the perfect employee.
   Just once, though, Iíd like to place an ad with no concern for cost. Maybe the perfect employee would read it and come knocking on my door. But where would I find a newspaper that would give me the space to do so?
   Heh, heh, heh.

  Hello, readers, Iím looking for a BOOKKEEPER. Thatís right, a BOOKKEEPER. The applicant, male or female, must be experienced (Websterís definition: wise or skillful in a particular field through experience) in all phases of bookkeeping, including but not limited to, every computer software program yet devised by man (or woman). Applicant must also have knowledge and skill in accounts payable. More specifically, because any bozo can write a check, applicant must have skill in explaining to creditors why the checks have not been sent. Imagination is essential. Charm and patience while dealing with extremely rude, insensitive soon-to-be-bankrupt creditors is vital.

    Applicant must also have special skills in accounts receivable. While massive physical strength and a history of getting what you want is not required, it is helpful. At the very least, applicant must have the ability to speak on the telephone with different accents, preferably Sicilian.
   Applicant must be a hard worker, willing to sacrifice every other aspect of life for this position, including sleep. Applicant should have no hobbies and prefer to see family and friends sparingly, it at all.
   Applicant must never be sick. Only upon being carried kicking and screaming out of the office in a stretcher (by medical personnel called by concerned co-workers) should the applicant miss a dayís work.
   Applicant will receive a generous amount of vacation time each year, which should be shunned in favor of working. Applicant will continue to accrue unused vacation time until death of applicant.
   Applicant must have good rapport with co-workers, excellent communications skills and the ability to convince a fellow employee that the concept of paying time and half for overtime will eventually bring about the downfall of American business.
   Applicant, upon receiving each paycheck, must show genuine surprise, and then elation.
   Applicant must never leave the company on their own volition. Applicant should be prepared to pledge their eternal loyalty to the company and assume the position is for life, which it will be unless the company is sold, goes out of business or the applicant is fired.
   If you think you meet the above requirements, this wonderful and challenging position in our exciting and growing company could be yours. Simply fax your resume, along with the name of the therapist you are currently seeing.


    There. Now that Iíve advertised for the perfect employee, I can sit back and wait for the flood of faxes. My only problem will be how to choose from such a wealth of loyal, selfless, industrious and competent men and women.
   But when that choice is made, and Iíve sold all the others resumes to the highest bidders (wait until you see my advertisement for that gold mine), Iíll have a pocketful of cash and a perfect employee on my staff.
    Counting computers, that would make two.


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