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Ms. Ferguson, my
loyal office manager, came bounding into my office the other day. This was
unusual, as she isn’t prone to bounding.
"Guess what?" she
cried, unable to contain her excitement.
This must be exhilarating news.
The last time Ms. Ferguson had been so animated was when she discovered a
$7,000 error in our favor when doing the bank reconciliation.
"What? I give up.
What?"
Ms. Ferguson looked me right in
the eye and gave me one of those syrupy smiles. "Two of your
employees are pregnant. Guess who."
Oh, dear God. What luck. My first
thought was to check whether it would be legal to add a line to our
employment application. You know, (check one):
Fertile
Sterile
Probably not.
My second thought was, as a
business owner of the ‘90s, I’d be wise to look like a sensitive guy.
"That’s great news,"
I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster.
Ms. Ferguson saw through it.
"Don’t worry," she said. "It’s not me."
That was a relief. Ms. Ferguson
and her husband will naturally have many little babies some day. And I’m
sure she doesn’t mind waiting until I retire before doing so. A lot of
women have conceived in their 50s.
I ended up guessing the two
fertile employees and made the appropriate happy response. When I saw them
later in the day I congratulated them warmly and sincerely made it clear
that I was very happy for them.
And I was. Happy for them.
But let’s face facts – pregnancy is quite often a major disruption to
the steady flow of a business. I love babies and certainly understand and
sympathize with the need to continue the human race – but preferably not
on company time.
But that’s life. While parents
make the ultimate sacrifice, companies must make minor ones. California
law requires, as it should, up to four months of maternity leave to
pregnant employees of small companies (less than 50 employees), with the
stipulation that the employee returns to the same or comparable position
at the same rate of pay and the same possibilities of advancement.
That certainly seems fair. But it’s
a difficult period. People are trained to replace the pregnant employee,
but it’s only temporary. It sometimes requires a major juggling act to
keep everyone happy, and quite often it causes major problems.
So I’m never too excited when
the news comes that an employee is pregnant. Someone I know just got a job
offer from a huge company with a well-deserved reputation for treating
their employees very, very well. After the offer was in hand, she
mentioned that she was pregnant.
"What did your new boss
say?" I asked, wondering what I would do if confronted with the same
disclosure.
"He said he was very happy
for me," she replied. "He wasn’t upset at all."
What an actor! He couldn’t have
been happy. He’s just hired this woman, will spend six months training
her and then, poof, off she goes for four months or so. That’s tough,
but what else can you do except look happy?
I’ve become a master at looking
happy. There certainly is no point in letting the expectant mother know
that her decision to continue the human race has placed a burden on the
company.
Also, it’s easy to forget that the
financial burden is much more burdensome to the parent. It’s important
to note that the four months of leave required by law is unpaid.
Many companies offer some paid
leave, and for some sappy reason that includes me. That’s another reason
I’m never too excited about pregnancies. Not only are they disruptive,
but they’re expensive.
Last week, in fact, one of my
employees gave birth to a little boy. Ms. Ferguson had given the mother a
shower at work only the day before, which was her last day. The baby had
come early.
As is our custom, Ms. Ferguson
made plans to send flowers to the hospital. At the same time, she handed
me a check to sign. It was for the mother’s regular pay, vacation pay,
and the paid portion of her maternity leave. It would buy plenty of
diapers.
The mother wouldn’t be back for
3-1/2 months. We’d have to hire a replacement, train them, and then
adjust. I looked again at the check and then said it, but I didn’t
really mean it.
"Cancel the flowers."
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