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GOOD BOYS GET REWARDED |
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Santa sucks.
I know that sounds kind of harsh, and I apologize to
any four-year olds that might be reading this, but obviously I was pretty
darn disappointed.
All I wanted for Christmas was a 60-inch
high-definition plasma flat-screen TV, and the big, fat control freak let
me down. Instead, I got a couple of shirts, a tie, and various other
worthless commodities.
It’s not right. I was good all year (at least
relative to previous years) and I was denied. I didn’t do anything wrong
(at least relative to previous years) and my 60-inch flat screen was still
just a dream.
If pressed, I will admit it’s not entirely Santa’s
fault. My wife has to take some responsibility for shattering my
Christmas. She’s the one who stubbornly insisted a 60-inch flat screen
TV would look ridiculous in our little room off the kitchen, which is
where we do our television viewing.
Apparently, she thought sitting six feet away from a
60-inch screen is a problem. She likened it to sitting in the front row of
a movie theater, which I admit is not ideal. But we’re talking
flat-screen here, with high-def, and it’s eye-level. You don’t even
have to look up.
It all came to a head a few months ago. "If you
want a high-definition flat screen TV so bad, why don’t you get a
30-inch set," she asked in that innocent tone of hers. "That
would be the perfect size for the room."
She had no clue. I’d spent the last year listening to
various friends and brothers-in-law rave about watching sports on their
new high-definition flat-screen TV’s. And with the prices coming down
rapidly, no one was buying anything less than 50 inches.
"Why don’t we just get a 19-inch and completely
obliterate any trace of manhood I have remaining," I asked. "I
could invite some friends over to watch the soaps."
She didn’t care. My insecurities didn’t interest
her. But expanding the little room off the kitchen did have some appeal.
She had wanted to do it for years, and suddenly I was all for it.
"Are you telling me that you would spend $100,000 to
expand that room," she cried, "just so you could fit a 60-inch
television into it?"
Oh, yeah, baby. A man has to do what a man has to do. The
Super Bowl, March Madness, Bonds breaking the home-run mark---I had to see
it in high-def. Big 60-inch high-def, just a bit bigger than my insecure
buddies.
She wanted the room expanded for other reasons, none of which
I understood. So with both of us firmly not understanding each other, we
agreed to hire an architect.
The plans were drawn and finished a couple of months ago. We
were pretty darn excited, albeit for different reasons. We took them to
show our next-door neighbor, who liked the plans. The only problem, he
noted, was the recent survey he had done that showed we would be partially
building on his property.
Oops. But he was a man, divorced and living alone, and I was
sure he would understand that I needed a 60-inch flat screen. What’s the
big deal about a little encroachment? We could get through this. It was a
male bonding thing.
Apparently, not all men think like I do. While I would have
happily surrendered a few feet of land so that my fellow man could watch
sports in 60-inch high def splendor, my neighbor was not so inclined.
We were back to square one, which left me hoping for a
miracle from Santa on Christmas morning. And when Santa dropped the ball,
my wife, at the last minute, picked it up.
While I was sulking in the corner on Monday, arms folded and
head down, she was thankfully thinking of another way to get me my
60-incher. The living room, previously off-limits to television viewing,
was suddenly an option.
"You mean we can replace the fireplace with a
flat-screen?" I asked excitedly when she tentatively broached the
subject.
"No," she replied, "but we might be able to
reconfigure the bookcase and fit in a flat-screen. But a 60-inch still
might be too big."
First I thought about how sulking and whining could really
pay dividends. Then I thought about two brothers-in-law and my good friend
Dave, all of whom recently bought 50-inchers.
"No problem," I said, graciously. "I’m sure
someone makes a 51-incher." |
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