I woke up the other morning and announced to my wife that I now knew what it felt like to go through childbirth.
     She pretended to be asleep, but I knew she was listening. "Iím serious," I continued. "I experienced the whole thing, and let me tell you, it really does hurt. You were right."
     Itís hard to roll your eyes when youíre pretending to be asleep, but she managed. "Go ahead," she mumbled. "Tell me about your latest dream."
     So I did. And it was a doozy. I was in a hospital, and there were nurses and doctors running all around me, and I was pregnant. This confused me a bit, because I was obviously still a man in the dream (I checked).
     Nevertheless, after some excruciating pain, I managed to give birth to a really weird looking baby. Although I was happy the pain was gone, I wasnít very happy about the way the baby looked. But then in the next moment the nurses scrubbed the blob down, and I was the proud father/mother of what I think was a beautiful baby boy.
     "Thatís the most ridiculous dream Iíve ever heard," replied my wife, eyeing me suspiciously. "And if you were the mother, who was the father?"
     I didnít want to go there, so I let it drop.
     "You should have someone analyze your dreams," she continued. "But keep the results to yourself."
     That seemed like a good idea, so I went on the internet and found a site that interprets your dream. I knew my wife secretly wanted to know, so I reported back.
     "It means I am probably about to give birth to a new project or idea," I proudly announced.
     "Did you mention that you were the one having the baby?" she asked.
     "I think thatís probably irrelevant," I replied. "Iím sticking with the short answer."
     But I had to admit I was a bit worried. I actually did enter "father having baby," and the response was "no matches found." Apparently, itís not as common as falling dreams, flying dreams, chasing dreams and naked dreams."
     And while this baby dream was pretty weird, Iíve had plenty of others that could compete with it. Every night itís something, and I often wake up wondering who or what is responsible for such bizarre story lines.
     It couldnít be me coming up with these ideas---I just want a good nightís sleep. But when I wake up trying to figure out why my grandmother was flying the jumbo jet that was cruising under telephone wires 12 feet off the ground through the streets of San Francisco, with me naked on the wingÖ..well, itís impressive.
     Itís a lot of work to come up with those kind of plots, night after night after night. I keep imagining an Entertainment Director working feverishly as I drift off each night, desperately pressuring his associates to come up with a new idea before the deadline, or else go with a boring rerun.
     But whoever it is almost always comes up with something, or at least a new twist to a recurring dream. And while some people donít remember any of their dreams, I remember almost all of them.
     Iíve been chased by a giant meatloaf, Iíve attended a 49er game naked, Iíve seen my wife run off with President Obama, and Iíve driven a speedboat upside down through Oakland while being chased by Arnold Schwarzenegger. And that was all in the last week.
     I have no interest in analyzing any of these dreams. Some might suggest that itís because Iím afraid of the answers. Maybe thatís why I didnít probe too deeply when I made a feeble attempt to analyze my "having a baby" dream.
     Itís probably true. I donít want to know. As far as Iím concerned, my dreams are just the creative outlet for the Entertainment Director in my head, along with his crew of staff writers. They work for my internal network, and theyíre doing their best.
    So what if they get a little weird? Look at the movies, or network TV shows. Normal stuff doesnít cut it. Everyone wants action, with a little sex mixed in.
    Now that I think about it, I canít wait for tonight.



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