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HOW TO WASTE
TWO HOURS OF LIFE |
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I’m so ashamed. I hate myself. I
feel dirty, I feel used. I’m not sure I have a shred of self-esteem left
in my body.
I watched "The
Bachelorette" on television the other night.
I can only blame myself,
although it was my 30 year old daughter, who is home for a few weeks after
four years in Brazil and New York, who made me do it. It was a bonding
moment, but bonding is clearly overrated.
We were home alone, my wife
out of town. The Giants were on Comcast SportsNet, and real men were
probably watching baseball. But I had made my daughter watch Matt Cain’s
perfect game last week, so it was her turn to choose.
She is hooked on "The
Bachelorette," as are millions of other Americans, including my other
daughter. God help America.
I was only planning to watch
until the first commercial, just to show her I cared about her obsessions.
I had a lot of other options, including reading, going to the other
television to watch the Giants like a real man, or perhaps shooting
myself. Any of those might have been a better choice.
But "The Bachelorette,"
whose name was Emily, was kind of cute. And the eight remaining bachelors
(one or two get eliminated each week) were some of the most handsome
dweebs I’d ever seen. As an added inducement, the scenery in Croatia,
where they had gone to find true love, was spectacular.
Watching "The Bachelorette"
is much like looking at a car accident on the freeway. You want to look
away, but you can’t. You’re witnessing one awkward moment after
another, and you cringe and cringe, but you keep looking.
"There’s no way she’s
going to end up with Travis," I said to my daughter before I knew
what I was saying. "There’s absolutely no chemistry."
Travis had just gone on his
one-on-one date with Emily. It hadn’t gone well, for him or for me. I
was saying things a real man shouldn’t say.
"She’s going to end up
with Arie, the race car driver," replied my daughter, slyly noting
that I hadn’t left after the first commercial. "Some of my friends
think Sean is the one, but I don’t."
I was getting them all
confused, but by the third commercial, I had it down. I agreed the best
bets were Arie and Sean, and maybe Jeff had a chance. I also felt sick.
Meanwhile, Emily was dating them
all, taking them to sights in Croatia and talking about love and marriage
and ending up each date with a lot of kissing.
"THAT SLUT!!!" I cried
after she locked lips with the sixth bachelor in the last five minutes.
"She doesn’t even like Doug!!! How can she kiss him??? Yuck!!"
Next thing you know, she dumps
Travis, denying him "a rose." And Travis starts to cry.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME???"
I screamed. "He’s been on two dates with Emily!!! Please don’t
cry," I pleaded to Travis. "You’re an embarrassment to
mankind."
"He really liked her,"
said my daughter, although I could tell she was cringing as well.
"But he does seem a bit sensitive."
At this point, I was mesmerized
by the awkwardness of the show. Commercials flew by. I looked at my watch.
I had wasted an hour and a half of my life, with half an hour to go.
I could feel the dirt piling onto
my body. I wanted to take a shower. Instead, I told my daughter she should
have a party where everyone sits around watching "The Bachelorette"
and drinks a shot of tequila every time someone on the show says the word
"amazing."
"It’s been done," she
replied. "Not many people make it through the first hour."
The train wreck was coming to the
end of its episode, and I couldn’t turn away. It was one
"amazing" and/or "awesome" encounter after another.
Emily and Arie were clearly bonding, but she had feelings for all the
little nerds. Her heart was confused, and if she had a brain, it might be
confused as well.
Finally, it was over. Scenes from
next week’s episode of "The Bachelorette" filled the screen.
There was going to be trouble with Arie and Emily, who seemed so right for
each other. What a surprise.
I doubt I’ll be watching. But I’ll
be secretly rooting for Sean. He was my favorite. Emily doesn’t deserve
him.
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