I wandered into her office one day
not long ago, attracted by an advertisement I had seen. She gave me a
come-hither smile and with a toss of the head her golden locks cascaded
seductively past her shoulders.
"I want you," she purred. "I
want all of you."
I sat up a little straighter and tried tossing my
head, but only managed to slightly sprain my neck.
"I donít make changes easily," I said
nonchalantly. "I have a great deal of loyalty."
"My name is Heidi," she replied,
lightly blowing a wisp of hair that had curled on her lip. "And I
know you will love what I can do for you."
"Enough that I would dump a relationship of
almost 11 years?" I asked.
Heidi scoffed, but it was an enchanting scoff.
"I will service you infinitely better. I
will make you wonder why you didnít come to me years ago."
I was intrigued. Only moments earlier I had been
a strong, happy man. Suddenly I was nothing but pudding, a slave to this
"All right," I said, staring right into her
aqua-blue eyes. "Give me your best."
God, was she good. She started slowly, well aware of
the importance of foreplay, and lathered me with some rates on home equity
"Yes," I said, "thatís good, thatís
Then she moved to other areas. She whispered how
she could save me a fortune on service fees for ATM access and
"I like that," I whispered back.
"I like that a lot."
"And I will pay you more interest on your
deposits," said Heidi, her voice rising. "And I will pay for
"Oh my, Oh myÖDonít stopÖYes, Yes,
"And I will give you a line of credit.
And I will give you a commercial term loan for your business!!!"
That was the capper. I couldnít hold back
any longer. "AIYEEEEEEE1" I screamed. "TAKE ME, IíM
We discussed details over a cigarette. I
would dump my stodgy old battle-ax bank and run off with Heidiís bank,
which promised great service, huge cost savings and an exciting future of
Heidi and I both felt we had something
special going. I signed the papers, transferred both personal and business
accounts, and we set out on our new life together, leaving my old banker
gasping and wheezing in our dust.
All went well for a few months. She tended to my
every need, and even asked once or twice whether I needed any loans. I
declined, not wishing to rush our relationship. We were moving along,
gaining confience in each other, building trust.
And then the phone call. She wanted to meet with
me. Sheíd come by my office, which was close by.
When she walked in, I sensed something was wrong.
She looked guilty.
"Iím leaving you," she said, getting
right to the point. "Iíve been promoted. Iím taking over a bigger
branch, and itís far away from you."
"Just like that," I cried, turning
away. "After all I gave up for you, youíre just going to dump me
for a bigger branch."
"Iím sorry, but itís a great opportunity for
me. And if you have any problems, you can always call me at my new
Yeah, right, I thought. The old we-can-still-be-friends
routine. I wasnít buying it for a second.
"You banks are all the same," I said,
indignant. "Youíre just a bunch of hussies. You
talk sweet, you get to know us, and then just when we can start taking
advantage of our close relationship, you transfer out of our lives."
Heidi wasnít listening. She was as far away as Mars.
I was nothing more than dirt. How quickly we had fallen.
I had to maintain my dignity. "Iím happy for
you," I said, forcing a smile.
We said our goodbyes. No tears.
That was three months ago. Heidiís replacement was
named shortly thereafter. I havenít called him and he hasnít called
me. Thereís not much point. Both of us know how it will end.